Learning to move forward

     As I sit here, I realized I haven't wrote anything for a bit. It's that time of year where everything is crazy right now. I started this blog with the intent to talk bout my recovery in every aspect of my life. I met some very close friends a few years back and we have had some very interesting but deep conversations. I decided in 2010 (I think) that I told God I was ready to deal with my baggage. Since 2011 I have been dealing with my baggage, more to come on that in later writings. 

    It has been one year since my second surgery, this year has seen highs n lows. This past year I have been given 2 choices - fight or give in - I chose to fight, I chose to push forward. This past years a few very close friends have seen a side of me that very few if any has seen. Yes as superwoman I had bad days, I had days where I wanted to give up. Just recently I was reminded that on those bad days to think of where I was a year ago. 

    For some moving forward is easy and for others it's not so easy. In each of our lives we have had life  changers - it's those moments that define us. As you grow older and have your first "life changer" moment, you think to yourself I will never survive this. One day you wake up and realized you not only survived it but you came out stronger than when you went in. Then the next "life changer" happens and you first thought is again I'm not gonna make it but yet you do. In life we will always have life changer moments and they get harder as you get older. Each time you have a life changer moment you learn to move forward. You learn a little bit more about yourself after each event, and after each event you learn to push harder at moving forward because you realized you made it through the last life changer moment. So the next time you have a life changer moment, remember that you made it through the previous one and chances are you will make it through this one. 

      For me I have had my fair share of life changer moments, and there were times that I didn't think I was gonna make it. I learned to move forward, I learned to push past and learned a little bit more about me. I learned how to be strong, I learned that I would make it. This past year has been a major life changer moment, and yet so far I have survived. In the past month I have had yet another life changer moment and for awhile I really didn't think I was gonna make it but I am just now getting back on my feet to push forward. That's it for now, next up will be judging a book by its cover or not.......

Peace out tater tot

One year

  I never really thought about a year, yes it's 365 days, and no I'm not figuring up the hours n minutes. (Haha) !!!! One year ago my life took a 360 complete change, I was diagnosised with cancer. Yes I HAD cancer, when they removed my uterus and cervix they found cancer, but because they took those parts out already that meant my cancer was out as well. However that didn't stop me from having another surgery and then later on treatments, but this is not about that. 

  One year ago I was fast heading towards getting through each day, was working out and learning to attempt to eat healthy. One year ago I was just thinking about how quickly I could heal and get back to work. One year ago I was probably not headed in the right direction that I needed to be headed in to be honest. One year ago I was just skating through. It's amazing what a few words can n will do to your life. Now one year later I think about my health a little bit more. One year later I think about what I really want to do with my life. One year later I think about my walk with Jesus and how I need it to be closer. One year later I have learned to rely on Jesus just a bit more than before. One year later I find my thoughts focusing more on the important things like what I want to accomplish before I die. 

   This past year has taught me who I can rely on and who will fail and/or bail on me in my time of need.  This past year has taught me to stop and see what's really around me. This past year has taught me that you can love from afar and still be okay. This past year has brought me closer to my grandparents even though they could not be with me during my battles. There was times during this past year that even though I talked to my grandma on the phone it would have been so great to have had her here with me sitting on the couch while I lay my head in her lap like I use to, to me that would have been the best therapy for me. I had to learn to settle for phone calls. I am still facing battles some emotional, some mental and some physical but it's ok because when all this is said and done I will come out stronger on the other side. 

  As you go through tough things and some times even tougher things in life you will find out more about yourself as well as those around you. As you walk through the valley or even the desert you will find things you thought were important are no longer important and those things that you didn't think we're important become very important. As you learn about yourself in the valley or even the desert you will change your outlook, you will change how you see things, you will change who is in your life and who isn't. The battle shouldn't be about self pity or even the poor mes' a truly take that time and learn about yourself and what you want to change and what you don't want to change. As you go through the battle and start to come out the other side take it as a sign or even a chance to realize you can change the things you want and the things that you can change, go change them. It's a new lease on life so grab hold and go live each day to the fullest that you can. 

Peace out tater tot.......

   

Seasons change and so should you........

   As I was thinking of a new post this past week, the thing that kept coming to my mind is change - then I realized that all or most of my changes have taken place in October. I met with some very close friends near n far in October 2009. I made the decision in October 2011 (I believe) to say "yes Lord I'm ready to deal with some baggage". In October 2013 I had my first surgery which led to finding cancer, then another surgery then chemo and radiation. Here I realize that my changes have taken place in October. 

   Most people wait till January 1 of the new year to make changes, whether it's a new diet, exercise, read more, be kind you get the picture. So here's my question why wait till January??? Why not do it now? The way I figure it as the season is changing we should change. If we wait till January then we are more apt to not keep the changes going, we are all stressed from having the holidays done, how are we gonna pay the bills, getting your house back to normal. In January is when the world makes changes and everyone has jumped on the bandwagon of change. So why not be different and start your change now? The leaves are changing getting ready for winter, the squirrels have gathered their nuts for winter, bears have already started their hibernation stage. 

   Before the holidays are upon us and we are busy stressing out over food, presents and schedules then make a decision on this gorgeous day to be more kind, on this day as leaves are changing colors then make a decision to eat healthier, on this day as the sun is shining bright in the sky make a decision to exercise more or even get started. As you go about this day with friends or family do something spontaneous, make today about finally starting that dream you always wanted to chase but yet didn't have the time for. Make time!!!!! 

     Today makes one year that my life took a complete 360 change, for now my life is filled with doctors appointments and testing but as I write to you about change I need to follow my own advice. It seems here lately that I have to schedule my life around doctors appointments, well, so what. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one who has to do this, so why not start chasing after my dream of writing. Why not start exercising now, why not start eating healthier, why not start spending time visiting others. My life was put on hold for bout 6 months due to treatments, there wasn't a choice at the time my body had already been through 2 surgeries in 5 weeks, so I took that time to rest and recover. So today I vow to try at least 1 new recipe a month, to start back exercising, to do more writing. 

   The leaves are changing, what will you change?

   More to come on my baggage claims

It's okay to feel yourself.....

Yes it really is okay to do that - in fact you should be doing this every month - doesn't matter if you are male or female - it doesn't matter about your age because you can be sure of one thing - cancer does NOT discriminate - all or most of us know someone who has been through breast cancer - it's never too early to start "feeling yourself up" - your doctor can give you a pamphlet about the how to's and if you don't have a doctor then the wonderful World Wide Web can help and if you don't have access or not for sure what to look for I can help you find it - more than 2.9 million women in US has had and/or has breast cancer - breast cancer is the most common cancer among women with men it is very low risk, and yes men can get breast cancer as well - a woman living in the US has a 1 in 8 chances of getting breast cancer in their lifetime - there is awareness all around us - yes we may be bombarded with info but knowledge is power - the more you know the better you are to fight and and protect yourself - from the information that I have read breast cancer is number 2 in deaths for women - heart disease being the first - so when I tell you that it's ok to feel yourself it really is ok - check yourself every month early detection is the best defense against breast cancer - so if you haven't started for what ever reason then today make a pledge that you will start "feeling yourself" - 

Peace out.....

The wait

If you have ever been to the doctor you have waited - it seems everywhere you go you wait - whether it's at a restaurant, grocery store or retail store - you wait at the hospital as well as waiting at a stop lite - this is a different kind of wait - many of you have experienced this kind of wait to some degree - it's that waiting to see another doctor - more importantly an oncologist - I had just learned about cancer growing from my cervix to my uterus and now I have been told I have to see an oncologist - the wait was about 2 weeks - for me it was the longest period -  my original doctor told me about how long treatments would be, and for me it was like ok let's get this started - let's get this done, I gotta get back to living - never in my wildest dreams did I know what was gonna happen next - when I was first told I HAD cancer and it was slow moving but yet all was gone - I couldn't understand the big deal - if you got it all then I'm glad you told me but  why see an oncologist? Why have treatments? - then I was kindly reminded of the "suspicious" mass near my pelvic lymph nodes - the wait seems like it takes forever - you are told to wait but yet hurry up - I did a lot of waiting before I began everything - waiting will teach you patience - waiting will teach you to rely on God just a bit more - waiting will teach you to enjoy the moments you have - waiting is quality time spent with a friend - waiting can turn into memories if you allow it - we are all rushing here and there and it's at those times we get impatient and do not want to wait - the days are going by way to fast and there's nothing you can do about that - but you can check yourself the next time you are waiting - because while you are waiting for a phone call, at the grocery/retail store, at a stop lite - someone out there somewhere is waiting for the news on a test, so the next time you find yourself waiting, if you are with someone then make memories and should you be by yourself while you wait then it is the perfect time to practice patience and a lil relaxing / 

My next post will be on "the talk"

Peace out home slice.......

A talk

I know this one is a bit long

Nov 18 (I believe) is the date of the talk - now this talk was not your average talk - we all have talks, some serious, some funny, some short and some long - this talk was long serious and a bit funny - before I go any further let me just say that in my writings I will not put names or try not to -I know there is a name in my first writing but it is just the first name - ok where was I - oh yeah a funny, long but serious talk - I went in to the doctor on this day with my sweet dear friend - she was there for moral support and to help ask any questions that either I couldn't remember or wouldn't think to ask - as you can tell this is a very serious talk - I was meeting my oncologist for the first time - I had no clue as to what to expect or what would happen - I certainly didn't expect surgery again but I'm getting ahead of myself - the one major thing that helped me get through all of this was and is God - the next best thing was having a few great friends - C was with me on this day and for that I am forever grateful - anyways - as we sit down to talk with the oncologist we ask why didn't the first doctor catch the cancer with the biopsies and yearly exams - the oncologist explained that where my cancer was at it wouldn't of been found with the traditional methods - if they had not done surgery then they would of not found it till it was in its advanced stages - the oncologist explained that we were going to have to do another surgery to take take out the rest of my equipment because once radiation hits the ovaries they quit working - and at this point I had no use for them - as he explained that he was taking my ovaries, tubes and either checking my pelvic lymph nodes or taking them - regardless C was asking questions like side effects, anything I can do or can't do - how long will the side effects last - anything in particular that we can do to help this process - all the while I would just shake my head and look at the doc and say "but they are my ovaries" for some strange reason I got very possessive of my ovaries - the doc would stop each time he heard me and say but we have to take them - I would just sit quietly listening to everything that was being talked about - I repeated that statement about 5 different times and the last time the doc finally looked at me and said "it sucks" - I shook my head and was on the verge of saying no it's ok but I stopped myself because at the point it really did suck - he nodded at me and then I was ok at least for the rest of that day - I learned that my surgery would take place on dec 4th and that treatments would maybe start at the first of the year - I would have 5 weeks of radiation 5 days a week and I would have chemo once a week for 5 weeks - after the regular radiation I would have to have 2 treatments of radiation with a cylinder but that's another story - I learned that while I was having treatments I would not lose my hair - I may lose weight (but try not to they said) - and I would be nauseated - I would be tired - but nothing to major - anyways we had to wait in the lobby after we talked with the doc for a set up appointment ( I think) and as we were sitting there - my question was why can't they make a tool that would detect cancer cells in the glands - a yearly is good and sometimes great but they need to use the brush a little better - if you are a female then you know about the brush - so let me tell you that when you go for your next yearly you need to tell them to use the brush - the brush would have "brushed" some of the cancer cells down and it would have been detected - at this point surgery was set and we were headed home - now remember I wasn't completely healed from my first surgery on Oct 25 - I went into this "talk" with no expectations at least that's what I thought - I didn't reslize I would get so possessive of my ovaries - I loved the fact that my oncologist was sympathic and caring -at least he showed that - I loved the fact that he was patient and kind with all our questions - I don't think I would of been able to remember everything that was said had I been by myself - anytime you have a "talk" please take someone with you - the thing to remember about "the talk" is to go in there with no expectations - take someone with you that isn't afraid to ask questions whether it's your questions or theirs - and more importantly take someone who has your best interest at heart - it's already difficult enough to hear that you had cancer and it's even more difficult to walk through this by yourself - 

I was angry that I had to have surgery again even though it was nobody's fault - I wanted to be done at this point I couldn't understand or grasp why do treatments since they got the cancer out but then oops I remember there was a "suspicious" mass near my lymph nodes - I didn't want to have another surgery - thanksgiving and Christmas was coming up - I wanted to be out n about enjoying the holidays with everyone else - I didn't want treatments looming over my head - I didn't want yet another surgery looming over my head - needless to say I was not happy but yet I had a stern talk with self and just braced myself for what was to come - and in saying that I had no clue as to what I was about to face - at this point it was like let's put my diagnosis of cancer on the shelf for another time and let's deal with surgery and then getting through treatments - we'll for now that's it........

Peace out tater tot......

Something new

This is me learning to color outsides the lines.....this is me stepping outside the box.....

October 8, 2014 was a day that I had to decide if I wanted to have another endometrial ablation or a total hysterectomy - I decided on the total hysterectomy because I had just had the ablation at the end of June and my body had rejected the machine in both places the doc had placed it - we scheduled surgery on October 25 - my docs head nurse calls me earlier the week of surgery to warn me that my doc was gonna try and talk me out of having the surgery - one of the biggest reasons he didn't want me to have that surgery was because he was gonna have to cut me - see I have never had children - and that was a huge concern for him and another reason was due to scar tissue from another surgery - we debated back and forth - he wanted me to try the ablation again and I wanted to have the hysterectomy - well the doc decides that he wants to check my uterus one last time - so as he sets up the ultrasound and we look - something shows up that has never showed up in any ultra sound that I have had - my doc takes off his gloves and informs me that I now must have the surgery because I had adenomyosis - it's a form of endometriosis that gets in your uterine wall and never goes away - it only gets worse - the doc informs me that the ablation would of never worked - I had been living with pain from the third pit of well you know and the irregularity of my cycle - I was so excited - the doc gives me a hug and tells me that everything is going to be fine and that he would like to have me leaving the hospital on Saturday between 4 and 6 that evening - I go in Friday morning - I was a lil anxious but not too concerned - I had a talk with Jesus and asked Him if He would just make sure 2 things were taken care of - He took care of them so I had nothing to worry about - surgery went exceptionally well - I woke up from surgery in very little pain - I had a few visitors that day - I got one of my favorites candy (Reese's pieces) - the nurses had me up and walking about 10:30 that nite - I walked just a little ways and got hot I mean sweaty hot very quickly - I got up again in the middle nite to walk again - remember the doc had said he would like to see me go home the next evening - by 4:30 Saturday afternoon I had made about 5 trips around the hallway - my last trip around my doc was coming down the hall to see how I was doing - I remember him asking me how my pain level was - my response was it's ok - he said try again - at that time I said I was in pain - he said that's what I wanted to hear - he gave me pain killers to take home and said I could have my first shower on Sunday afternoon and to come in on Thursday October 31 to have the staples removed - he told me to take it easy - and no driving for 2 weeks - I took it easy and had no pain - I was good to go - on Thursday October 31 I was woke up by God and He have me a word that morning - He told me that sometimes the journey isn't for you but those around you - I woke up saying that and hearing that - I went back to sleep and was woke up bout 8 am with a phone call from my docs head nurse Crystal letting me know that the doc wanted me to come in at 2:30 that the doc had some surprising news for me - I was already headed in that day to have my staples removed - and you do not need an appointment to have them removed - so I wasn't concerned at all - honestly my thought was I had endometriosis - and then I got another call at 12:30 to let me know I didn't need to come in till 5:30 that he was running behind - Jennifer and I went to The Gravy for lunch and then headed to Wilmington for my appointment - I have my staples removed the doc looks at it and says it was healing really good - I go sit in the office with him and Jennifer - the doc proceeds to tell me that the technician missed it and that the pathologist almost missed it - the pathologist report came back that I had cancer - argh - I just said the dreaded "c" word - haha - yes I laugh - let's say it again don't be afraid - CANCER - my doc said he told the pathologist that he had the wrong patient because he had done several biopsies and they came back negative for cancer - the doc explained to me that my cancer had started growing on my cervix and had grown in a straight line to my uterus - my uterine wall was 2cm thick and the cancer had went 1.8cm through - the doc said it was slow moving and that he had no idea how long it had been there and how long it had been growing - my doc worked at John Hopkins and said he had he bet seen this in all his years working - see it (cancer) was found in my glands which is rare - my doc explained I had to go see an oncologist to discuss my options and what to do next - we left the doctors office and so e things started falling into place - I understood at that point why the ablation didn't work - I took it in - I absorbed the news and went straight into fight mode - in 23 days my life had done way too many dips curves, potholes - I just went into fight mode - I accepted it in the sense that I had it and it was done and gone - in my mind I was already in fight mode - 

I leave you with this

Once a life changer happens to you - you have 2 choices - fight or give up - it's just that simple - nobody can make the decision for you - you are the only one who can decide - I'm not saying that once you decide to fight that it will be easy - any time you have a life changer happen and you decide to fight - you are gonna have highs and lows - you learn to fight harder on those low days - 

Peace out........