I don't want to

     Again this is My opinions and MY life experiences. If at any time you are ready to end your life then please reach out and call 988. If you are feeling depressed, lonely, sad, or overwhelmed from life and it's many trails then please reach out to a friend, Pastor, Boss, Teacher someone who can help you make it through your days living your best life. I have felt all of those and sometimes I still do. Back quite a few years ago it all started to affect my job. I knew it was time to reach out to a counselor but I needed that extra push to get there. 

       The first day I walked into David's office I'm not sure what I expected. I definitely know it wasn't what happened or developed over the years. I had an idea in my mind that we would discuss my childhood and how I felt, what I believed and why I did the things I did. I didn't think it was all tied together. When one area of your life is off balance then all areas are off balance whether you realize it or not. It took about 6 months for me to become comfortable enough to start getting to the root of it all. It took me another 18 months before I could trust him with some very private issues. Yeah yeah yeah I know he's there's to help why did I wait so long. I have trust issues I know this, he knew it within a month or so of meeting me. 

        David was so easy to talk to and he made me comfortable but yet still would call BS if he needed to which he did several times. He was the right counselor for me especially at that time. It took me about 2 years or more before I could look him in the eyes while talking with him. I know there's something out there about not looking at people's eyes when you talk to them but mine started way back in the day when I would talk about how I felt about something. When I was a child I wasn't really believed and at times told "no you don't feel it or something to that effect". When I went to his office I had a certain chair I sat in and would stare out the big bay windows. He would let me because he knew I would talk more that way.

        I do remember one time when I was in his office and wasn't really talking, he gave me an ultimatum and made it clear if I didn't start talking he would shut the blinds on that big bay window I loved to look out. I stalled, he got up and started his way to the window. I started talking of course. David had a way of pushing when he needed to and also backing off when the time was needed. He helped me understand why I did some of the things I did. He helped me understand that I made the decisions based off of skewed tapes in my head from childhood. I guess what I am saying is if you are on the fence about going to a counselor I'm gonna say go ahead and jump off that fence and go. It will be life changing. It will be so rewarding. Well maybe not in the beginning but it has its moments that just make you want to go back and get more. If you are sitting in a counselors office and you don't feel very comfortable then I would say give it three sessions then make a decision. I have a counselor now that if we didn't mesh on the beginning she would have told me and we would have parted ways. Yes I said she. And yes I have another counselor. I will tell you about her in the next writing.

           May is mental health awareness month and while I believe that mental health should have more than a month this is the perfect month to start your healing journey. Mental health needs to be front n center. Too many cases of domestic violence, too many cases of bullying. Too many cases of people doing things out in this world who suffer from depression, low self esteem, low self worth, no love for themselves. It all ties in together. Today is the first day of your life to start a new fresh journey to being happy, to living a happy life doing the things you want and making some really great and happy memories. 

       In closing you aren't always going to have happy days, life gets in the way I understand that. You also will have days where you may be taking a step back into old habits I get that as well. That's when you reach out and get help so you can get back on track. I have someone who stops in at the store and I see him every week but on those weeks where everything is piling up we talk. He reminded me this week that even though I may not realize it I do have another stable person I can talk to. So in your travels you may think nobody would understand I can tell you that there may be someone like that in your life. 

 Peace out Tater Tot.......

What was I thinking

May is National Mental Health Awareness month. In the following writing and the next couple of ones I will be expressing MY opinions and MY life experiences with counseling and mental health. If YOU need help please call the suicide line at 988. Reach out to a close friend that you trust. Have no one close that you trust reach out to someone whether it be your Pastor, boss, teacher, just reach out. I'm glad Mental Health gets a month but it needs more than that. The awareness has come a long way from when I was a child. In the past few years there has been celebrities doing ads to get people that need counseling to go talk to someone. The military is the same but I can't speak on that as I am not nor have I ever been in the military. It wouldn't be fair or right to all those soldiers who would happen to read this. Mental Health needs more attention and more focus than what it currently has. Mental Health is more than just suicidal thoughts, or even the act. It's depression, sadness, low self esteem, overwhelmed constantly with negative thoughts. It's feeling of not loving yourself or learning the value of you. It's bad habits that you do to cover up the lost feeling you have inside. It's self harm, acholol, drugs, over eating just to feel good about yourself. It's doing whatever you can for others to help that feeling of unworthiness. Its generational curses that have been passed down whether you are aware or not. There are some people who don't feel half of these and others that feel them and more. There are some that want help but can't get it. There are some who want help and get it. Then you have some that really don't see an issue with how they are. There are others who want to play or use that mental health card as a crutch. There are all kinds of people out in this crazy world and wherever you may fall in the above my hope is that while you read my writings that you see here, is a chance to get help and love your healthy life. What was I thinking when I said I would seek help for my childhood issues that carried over into adulthood........

When MY world stopped spinning

Interesting title I know but bare with me and I will explain. See some people will know exactly what I mean by the title alone but others will not. There are some people who have experienced this while others have experienced this many times over. Some people don’t even realize it’s happening. I noticed it the first time over 10 years ago now. This time it’s different, last time only lasted 6 months while this time it’s still going on.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Almost 2 years ago my world stopped spinning and I was just focused on getting better and staying strong. It started before I ever went to the emergency room and then had emergency surgery to fix the issue. Looking back maybe the month or 2 leading up to that day was a preparation for the stop. It really sunk in at work just recently when I went to type a password that I had just before I had to be out. My world had stopped spinning that day I had surgery. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When your world stops spinning everything around you continues on and everyone around you goes on about their daily life just living. It’s not their fault or anything they can do, they didn’t have the trauma you did. They didn’t experience their world stopping. Yes they went with you on the journey, yes they spent time with you but still their world was still spinning while my world had stopped. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After your world stops spinning you have to learn a new normal, you have to learn to start living again and most importantly you have to get your world back to spinning again. The sad thing is it’s not as easy this time around but that may be because I am still dealing. I guess you could say it’s not time for my world to start up again for whatever reason. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It’s like during the time that you are waiting for your world to start again you are being prepared for a different normal, a new normal. It’s about changing to accommodate what you have been through. No not the victim mentality but the accepting that your world stopped for a trauma and then you learn to move on and deal with it in a positive way. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slowly my world is starting to spin again but it’s a slow process this time around. I can feel it starting just by being able to do ordinary things and being able to be back at work. It’s not at a full spin just yet, you know how when you spin a top it starts slow and then builds up speed and goes faster n faster, well I’m at the beginning of the spin. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soon all things medical will be but a distant memory. Soon my couch will no longer look like a doctor’s tray ready for me to change the dressing. Soon all the medical boxes will be donated to others. Soon I will not have to worry about ordering any medical supplies. Soon I will have not to worry about sensitivity to tape and itching skin. Soon very soon my world will be spinning with a new normal just for me……… Till next time