A letter to my Dad

Dear Dad

    I know that you are doing well I mean you have been in Heaven for 24 years now. Just make sure you are standing directly behind Jesus when I get there. I think I'm gonna hug you for about 5 years, I'm not gonna be able to let you go. I'm gonna be by your side till I know it's ok. It's funny because that is the human mind and it can't comprehend what Heaven is gonna be like with our loved ones. I will just be so happy to see you again. Crazy question but did you age any while you have been there or do you still look like you did at 44? Well a lot has happened in 24 years so let me get started but before I do I must get n give forgiveness.

   Dad I need you to forgive me for having higher expectations of you. (You know exactly what I'm talking about)  Dad I understand that you did the best you could. I forgive you for not being perfect and doing the best you could in protecting me and keeping me safe. (Again you know what I'm talking about) I finally started understanding why you didn't leave sooner. You are and will always be my superhero. Dad please forgive me for being mad at you for leaving, I stayed angry at you for the longest time. I am getting past it finally and getting to a place that I am okay with you being gone, well, not really but better. So to catch you up on what's been going.

   I got married n divorced, no kids. Partied like crazy and just well lived life the way I shouldn't have. However in living life like I did I learned a few things in the process. Some things I learned you had already taught me, like giving my word and keeping it, like helping people as much as possible without losing self, like working hard, life giving and expecting nothing in return. Stubbornness and independence came from you as well. The need to achieve things better things in life. To talk care of me and those I love. Crazy thought but if you were here we would be having coffee and talking. I did end up in church just many years later, been on 2 mission trips and hope to go on more. When I get to Heaven I want you to meet a few people Tater Tot being one of them. I know you would really like him. He taught me about me and helped me become the person that God intended for me to be in the first place. Okay getting back to my life and the pitfalls. By the way in case you hadn't noticed I do love a good rabbit trail. 

   I had a few major pitfalls with my health however God had His hand on me the entire time not like He normally doesn't but that was an extra special time. I came through with flying colors, now just learning to deal with the after effects of having surgery and cancer, along with chemo, radiation and being thrown full blown into menopause. Not my idea of a great 40th birthday but as you taught me, I endured with a smile and the fortitude to push through. You would definitely be proud, but you would probably be angry at a few folks who weren't around but it's ok, I made it through regardless. I have taken the time to finally figure out who I am or who I was suppose to be in the beginning, I think you would be so proud of me now. You can ask J and C about all the changes and they will tell you, Tater tot will fill you in on all the walls and steel cage doors he came upon. 

   I sit here drinking coffee and remembering how you came in my room one nite to tuck me back in, I ended up either at the foot of the bed or between the mattress. I remember one Christmas we were coming back from your brothers house and I kept looking in the back of the truck, you told me that Santa was up in the sky flying around. I was sitting beside you and immediately started looking at the sky trying to find Santa. We had this bond that nobody could break. I finally came to the understanding that even though you weren't perfect and things weren't as I thought they should be, I knew you loved me, I knew I was "daddy's girl". It didn't matter how much she tried to keep me from you I knew in my heart of hearts I would and will always be daddy's girl. There was a bond an understanding of sorts that I had to wait,at the time I didn't understand it or comprehend it but now I do, I think I have understood for awhile now. I am my Daddy's girl. 

  I know that you are proud of me today. I know that a few ears back you would have been disappointed however I think you would have given me grace considering my childhood and such things like that. This is the first year that I have been at peace with your passing. Don't get me wrong I miss you like crazy, would of loved to have you hear these past 2 years to help me get through but I know that you are in a much better place waiting for me to get there. I cry tears of sadness that you were taken so soon from my life, I know the reason behind my tears and sadness. It made me stronger, tougher, helped me to endure some pain n hardships that happened since you have been gone. For now I rest in the security that you are happy, and sitting with Jesus waiting patiently for me to get there. I know I know not to quick for me. I think I will tell you some exciting news in a few weeks. I went to IHOP tonite because I remember one winter day you took me there before we were to head out into the woods to get some wood for the fireplace. 

   I miss you and you would wipe the tears from my eyes and tell me it's okay, not to cry. It's no good looking bing in the what ifs so I'm not gonna do that any longer or at least I'm gonna try to. I just know that you are waiting for me.......haha I know you want to know the exciting news but you are just gonna have to wait. I know that you will be super excited with me......till we meet again Dad save a place for me.....

I love you Dady always have always will......

Pain.....

  We have all dealt with pain in way or another. There is the pain of a broken limb, the loss of a loved one, the pain after surgery, the constant dull pain that can't be explained at times. The pain of hurt words said, your heart breaking into many little pieces with no chance of putting it back together. I Could write more but I think you get the picture. There are some pains I will never experience, and yet some pains I have experienced more than I should. If there is a person out there that has never experienced pain the, I would like to meet ya.
  Pain will and can define a person. I know of several who have dealt with pain on a daily basis including myself. Some of them handle their pain with negativity, and constant complaint. Then you have others who have learned to smile and push forward. They take it in stride and just keep going. I know a dear lady (God rest her soul, she is in no more pain) who dealt with pain on a daily basis but you would never know because she always had an upbeat attitude regardless of how bad she was feeling. I just hope that I can be more like her.
  I have been around people who for most or all of my life who have done nothing but complain about their pain. Or been around people who their pain is way worse than yours ever could be. I have learned from them folks to just push/move forward and smile. Sometimes there is nothing you can do bout your pain except to deal with it, as for helping others with their pain the best you can do is pray, listen and comfort. As much as you want to you can not take away or take on someone's else's pain. I know we like to think we can but we can't.
   We are all made with skin, bones, blood and a heart however we each Will feel pain a different way even if it's in the same situation. That is where we must learn to be a bit more compassionate. You May be able to relate and to offer advice but just know we all feel pain differently, and in saying that we all deal with pain differently. Pain can and will define, it's just up to you whether you choose to let it bring you down or make you stronger.
  I write this because most of my life I have dealt with pain in one way or another. I have learned to smile when in pain. I get quiet when the pain is to much. I have learned to let the pain define me in a way to make me stronger. Pain is not my identity but I do want to be remembered as dealing with my pain in a very positive way. Do not be one of those people who let pain define them in a negative way.
   Choose today to start smiling through the pain, choose today to dance through the pain. Remember that God is your healer!

Later jelly bean

Just one more time.....

   Just one more try, just this once, just one time, we have all said it and yet just one more time turns into a dozen more times. I have said this phrase many times through out my life and yet there was a time when I said just one more time it really was the last time. I said it with soda, food, the merry-go-round with Mark, with Thomas, (let's save those 2 for another day), with the gym, with shopping, and even with Peggy. We have all given that famous phrase only to not take heed and try yet again. I wonder what makes us keep trying over n over again? 

    I have said "one more time" or "ok just this once" with Peggy for about 20 years. I actually stopped trying back in 2011. You see my grandparents taught me to be the better person, to always speak, that no matter what she is my mother and I must do what I can to help bridge the gap. At the time I couldn't figure out why I had to keep "trying" to keep speaking even though she did her best to ignore me. My grandparents taught me "just once more" or "try one more time" and now I am very grateful they did. For the better part of 20 years I tried, I gave and I tried again even though I kept getting disappointed, crushed and angry. I mean she is my mother, so why shouldn't I try to have that relationship with my mother that every daughter wants to have with her mother. I endured a lot of tears and angry words but yet I still tried, I still didn't stop. Then in 2011 I told my grandma that I was done trying, I wasn't giving any more chances, I wasn't gonna keep getting disappointed, hurt or even angry anymore. The issues between my mother and I are complicated yet simple but they are for a different post.  

    I was taught to keep trying and I did. I tried one more time, now I know for a fact that when I stand before God I will not have to answer any questions concerning trying one more time with my mother. I know that I have done everything I could and more. It's not that I have given up hope, I just wait patiently for the day that my mother truly gives her heart to Jesus and accepts the past and all decisions that she has made. The day that she accepts complete responsibility for everything she has done and when she can actually look at me without regret, without guilt, without shame, without rejection in her heart will be the day that the healing truly starts. The day that my mother can honestly look at me with love and acceptance will be the day that true healing begins until then..... 

   So I kept giving it one more try, one more time until the day that I realized I need to be healthy. I do not need to live with worry or stress about something that is gonna take Someone more powerful than I to change her ways, her attitude. I am encouraging you that if there is something important in your life that you need to stick with then go ahead and "try one more time" so that at the end of the day you can truly say you have tried. If you are doing something you ain't got no business doing and keep saying to yourself "just one more time" and I will stop well let me just say -if you haven't already figured it out one more time turns into another one more time and another, and another and so on n on. Go ahead and be strong when you say just "one more time" then truly mean it. Yes I am very aware of how hard it is to really mean it when you say "just one more time", I also understand the other side of that coin. If you really want to know about the other side of the coin ask me and I just may tell you, just be prepared for my answer. So be careful with your "one more time"

Later jelly bean