About 3 years ago I had to sign away my right to have children. I wasn't happy but medically speaking it was for the best. I want to talk about what happened afterwards and it still happens today. Today as I got done mentoring a delightful 10 year old who loves to catch frogs and lizards and has recruited me to help him. I went to go do a bit of window shopping and as I was in one store, I went to the baby section just looking and then I ended up crying and buying a few things for some precious children.
After I signed away my right, I had to learn to accept that decision and be okay but I wasn't. I was angry at God because I couldn't understand why He didn't trust me enough to let me have one of His precious gifts. I was resentful and envious all at the same time. I was resentful because I wasn't ever going to have children the natural way. I was envious because as I watched all the moms with their children and the love and affection shown. I wanted a chance to prove I could do it, I wanted a chance to leave a different legacy than what my mother tried to leave me with. During this time I heard in church how there was a couple that they were all praying for to get pregnant and then when they did it was called a precious gift. I couldn't understand why I wasn't worthy enough of that same precious gift. Another thing I heard while I was trying to accept that decision was you will be a great mom to an orphaned child or to my husbands children. You have it in you to love someone's child as if they were my own. Here's the problem with that in a nut shell, I can't love them as if they were my own because I have never experienced getting pregnant and giving birth. Do not get me wrong I do love the children I am around and I will kill someone if they ever hurt them. I mean that with every fiber of my being.
So as the days turned into months and then a year I was getting a grasp on my decision. However there are times when I look at a lady who is pregnant and get a little teary-eyed because even though I am better accepting my decision the pain is still there. I'm not for sure if the pain will ever go away or will it just lessen some year after year. So today I did some retail therapy and my reasoning was plain n simple - since I can't have children I will buy for those around me - I saw the cutest onesie for a newborn and bought the cutest shirts for some boys I know. As I shopped I would stop and just drop my head because I would start to cry and when it ended I would go back to shopping again. I don't do this often but when I do it puts a smile on my face.
I am no longer angry at God, as I am sure He has a very good purpose for not allowing me to experience a miracle. As I was learning to accept that I really was not ever gonna have children due to I am completely void of any of the internal parts of a woman. Bam I get hit with another rarity (if it's rare it happens to me) I have a rare disease called Puetz-Jeghers Syndrome and as my genetics nurse was talking to me she informed me that I could go ahead and have a double mastocomy. My response was a quick hold on. I mean I have given up the right to give birth, then I have every female organ removed and now you want to take my Ta-Ta's???? I told her no way as I am already feeling the effects of no female organs and you want to do what??? I do not mean to offend anyone as I am sure there is someone somewhere that has it all gone and I sit here and I can empathize with you.
So today as I did my retail therapy I have accepted that when these kinds of moments hit, I will just go shopping and that usually ends up with me smiling.
This was wrote 2 days before my birthday last year and while I have accepted the decision that I will never give birth to my child, at times I find myself at a loss or very sad when I see babies and or toddlers. I'm not for sure if the pain ever goes away but I am learning to adjust to it or at least I hope I am.........until then I will continue my retail therapy and my "children" will have some cool things coming their way.....
Until next time....
Peace Out Tater Tot......
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