Wait, do you like me?

 

I look in the mirror and do not recognize the woman who stares back at me. Hello my name is Melissa and its so very nice to meet ya. Don't look confused, it's really me. Yes you can stare it's ok.

See way back when I couldn't look people in the eyes while talking to them. Shoot I couldn't even look at myself in the eyes while standing in front of a mirror. When I was in counseling, I would sit in this colorful chair and stare out the window while talking to David. He picked up quickly that if you wanted me to talk, then let me look out the big window and we could talk all day. He even threatened to close the blinds if I didn't start talking, that's how much I would look out the windows. Anything to avoid looking directly at you.

It didn't help matters that I was shy. It didn't help that I didn't know how to meet people. It didn't help that I didn't really know who I was. It really didn't help that I had to figure out all this stuff on my own. I use to help people because I wanted them to like me. I use to go where ever others wanted just so I could tag along and belong. I had to learn how to go out by myself including going to a restaurant and eat alone. I had to do this so I could learn who I was, who I am. With therapy I learned who I was. In therapy I learned I am not my past, or my parents baggage. In therapy I learned I am not who others tried to make me.

I have learned that I absolutely love to help others, it makes my heart happy. I love to read, I have a gift for writing. I love to cook but only when the mood hits. I have also learned I don't really care for shallow conversations, I will do them because it's necassary but give me a deep conversation any day. There are times I catch myself wanting to do something just to fit in and then I have to stop myself and ask why am I doing this? Usually that only happens at a low point in my life, don't worry I get over it quickly.

I have learned I am a perfectionist, if I do something then I want to get it right the first time. If I feel like I will not get it right then I don't attempt to start it. Maybe I should work on that. I don't like failure in myself. Although if I see others struggling then I go encourage them. I am really great at that!!

In the beginning I really thought I liked myself and I learned I only liked myself very little. Now, well most days I love me. Most days I am happy with me. Like most women there are days I don't like me but they are few n far between. I love learning new things and love learning myself (but only if I can get it right the first time). I love music, it will help any mood I am in. I love puzzles and quiet time. I love the new me.....