Too many thoughts that are running together but yet can't come out. I asked one time if I screamed could you hear me? Now I have no energy to scream, my voice is gone. It's not that I am scared but I have no energy, I have no strength. My strength is evaporating, my will power is seeping out of my bones faster than I can build it up. My screams have turned into whispers. My cries are now whimpers. I am no longer happy but angry. I am no longer saying "it's okay" because it is no longer okay. My wish is to be gutted open so that somebody somewhere can figure out what is going on so that I can be fixed and can start living again.
To look at me you see health, you see changes, but the outside doesn't reflect the inside. The inside is filled with polyps, it's filled with knots, loops and all the wrong things. You don't see it because I do not allow you to see it. I do not allow most people to see the hurt, the anger and the frustration that comes with dealing with more medical issues than I know what to do with right now. I have been on a medical journey for 2 years now and heading into my third year. I'm not for sure what exactly is going on other than this journey is not for me but for those around me.
I now get so tired at the drop of a hat, I get to a point where I can not stand still for very long, I must sit down. The exhaustion has crept in and won't let go. There have been days at work where I just sit in my office and cry because I just don't have the strength or the will power to fight any longer. I reach out to others that I know that will pray. I try to stay positive, I try to keep my head up, I try to move forward. My legs feel like anchors that are anchored in the cement and showing no signs of letting up. My arms are weak, my voice is a whisper. My heart beats but it has beats of sadness. My smile is not seen as often as it should, my laughter all but gone unless I am with a child that makes me genuinely smile and laugh. No offense to the adults.
I don't ask how much more for fear that I will be tested to find out. I am ready to be done but obviously it is not time. I have faith do not get wrong, Gods hands have been all in this and will continue to be in this. I know where my Help comes from, I know where my Healer is. I know that I win either way, that doesn't mean I am giving it up it just means I have peace. Yes there are days where I really do want to give up, yes I do have days where I lay my head on my desk in my office and just ask God to take me please, but as you can see He hasn't done that just yet. No I am not a quitter but you reach a certain point that you just want to shout stop. I have even contemplated stopping all doctors. No I haven't given up on them either it's just my life revolves around appointments and doctor visits.
Someone once told me she felt sorry for me because I had/have no life and while she is right I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. For whatever reason I am on this journey and while right now I am frustrated and angry it's ok. Right now and after 2 years of being strong, happy, positive, I get to be frustrated and a bit angry. Don't feel sorry for me because my life has stopped while those around me has went on. Yes my life stopped about 2 years ago now, not by my choice but it did stop. I can't plan ahead, I can't see my grandparents, I can't just get up and go anymore, I have to plan my days by how much I am pushing my body. I have to plan everything I do around my appointments and whether or not I am tired or in pain. I can no longer push my body the way I use to. Even though I have somewhat slowed down, please don't feel sorry for me. I look around and realize that everyone around me has moved on, nothing wrong with that, I'm glad and thankful they have. At times I get frustrated with why I can't move on but I am learning to stand still. I am learning to just wait. Not my strong suit but I am trying.
I'm learning that most people have no clue as to what to say or do when they ask me what is going on. Want me to let you in on a secret, there is no right words or no right actions that can help. Stop feeling guilty and stop being scared of saying some thing to me. The worse thing you can do to me is to be quiet. I understand it is difficult for those around me, for those that love me. I know that while you all want to help I am learning that one of my love languages is quality time spent with those I love. It doesn't have to be out doing anything, I am just fine with hanging out, I am just fine being around ya.
So as you go about your day and you see people walking past you just give them a genuine smile, it will truly brighten their day. As you go about your day and you see someone you know stop and ask them how they are doing and truly listen. I know that we all get busy doing things but you never know who you will run into that may need a smile or a listening ear. Just be genuine with them, that goes a lot further than you pretending. When there are no words to say, just smile at them and let them know that you are thinking about them.
Peace out Tater Tot
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