Just one more time.....

   Just one more try, just this once, just one time, we have all said it and yet just one more time turns into a dozen more times. I have said this phrase many times through out my life and yet there was a time when I said just one more time it really was the last time. I said it with soda, food, the merry-go-round with Mark, with Thomas, (let's save those 2 for another day), with the gym, with shopping, and even with Peggy. We have all given that famous phrase only to not take heed and try yet again. I wonder what makes us keep trying over n over again? 

    I have said "one more time" or "ok just this once" with Peggy for about 20 years. I actually stopped trying back in 2011. You see my grandparents taught me to be the better person, to always speak, that no matter what she is my mother and I must do what I can to help bridge the gap. At the time I couldn't figure out why I had to keep "trying" to keep speaking even though she did her best to ignore me. My grandparents taught me "just once more" or "try one more time" and now I am very grateful they did. For the better part of 20 years I tried, I gave and I tried again even though I kept getting disappointed, crushed and angry. I mean she is my mother, so why shouldn't I try to have that relationship with my mother that every daughter wants to have with her mother. I endured a lot of tears and angry words but yet I still tried, I still didn't stop. Then in 2011 I told my grandma that I was done trying, I wasn't giving any more chances, I wasn't gonna keep getting disappointed, hurt or even angry anymore. The issues between my mother and I are complicated yet simple but they are for a different post.  

    I was taught to keep trying and I did. I tried one more time, now I know for a fact that when I stand before God I will not have to answer any questions concerning trying one more time with my mother. I know that I have done everything I could and more. It's not that I have given up hope, I just wait patiently for the day that my mother truly gives her heart to Jesus and accepts the past and all decisions that she has made. The day that she accepts complete responsibility for everything she has done and when she can actually look at me without regret, without guilt, without shame, without rejection in her heart will be the day that the healing truly starts. The day that my mother can honestly look at me with love and acceptance will be the day that true healing begins until then..... 

   So I kept giving it one more try, one more time until the day that I realized I need to be healthy. I do not need to live with worry or stress about something that is gonna take Someone more powerful than I to change her ways, her attitude. I am encouraging you that if there is something important in your life that you need to stick with then go ahead and "try one more time" so that at the end of the day you can truly say you have tried. If you are doing something you ain't got no business doing and keep saying to yourself "just one more time" and I will stop well let me just say -if you haven't already figured it out one more time turns into another one more time and another, and another and so on n on. Go ahead and be strong when you say just "one more time" then truly mean it. Yes I am very aware of how hard it is to really mean it when you say "just one more time", I also understand the other side of that coin. If you really want to know about the other side of the coin ask me and I just may tell you, just be prepared for my answer. So be careful with your "one more time"

Later jelly bean