Am I Cuckoo

Therapy is not for everyone. Yes I actually said that but wait…… there’s more!!! Society tells us we should do talk therapy or whatever the other one is. It gets 30 seconds and too me that’s just crazy and not really helpful. Society also makes jokes, laughs at others and berate someone for going to therapy. Society has taught us for a long time that talking to a therapist is just not cool and now they are trying to change the narrative on that. My title is very fitting because I actually have an uncle that asked me that when he realized I was seeing a therapist. My first therapist was a really good one and my second one was just what I needed at the time. I didn’t tell my grandma about going to therapy because she was one of those people. Nothing wrong with that I just wasn’t comfortable telling her just yet but I did. 

In my formative years I wasn’t for or against therapy just something that I didn’t think about. Then as I got older and realizing I need some help but had no clue where to start. So of course like others I put it off. I wouldn’t think about therapy for awhile and then one day I was just ready to deal with my childhood and get all the baggage taken care so I could move on with my life and enjoy it. My life, my church and work all came to head one week and then I had no choice but to reach out. 

I had to answer some questions with a caller to get the phone numbers and names of therapists in the area. One question she asked and I understood immediately what she was asking. She asked if I preferred a male or female. I chose male because at that time I was very comfortable talking to a male. At that time there was no way I would ever be able to talk to a female. Don’t worry David got me hooked up with Joanne for my second therapist. I wouldn’t trade either one, they were sent at the exact time that it was needed. 

First day of therapy, you want me to talk, you want me to do what?? You mean to tell me this is a safe place and I can tell you all my deepest darkest secrets?  No way, no how, you aren’t tricking me into talking about what’s going on in my life. It took me about 6 to 8 months before I could trust David with some deep dark secrets. It took another 6 months before I could really really trust him and for real give up the deepest darkest secrets I carried. I tell you though, it was most rewarding. 

I’m sure some of you have read the very first line and then read up to here and wonder why I said that since I had such a rewarding time. I will explain now, so in my first visits with David I started to be okay talking with him as long as we didn’t get too deep. I also realized that I was paying him to help me. That’s when it clicked for me, I had to be willing to lay my soul bare, I also had to start taking what I had learned and using it so I could change. At the time I was going there was this older gentleman who was going but the thing was he was still harping on childhood issues but wasn’t willing to learn and move forward. That’s so sad to me, this man spent his life in therapy and didn’t change. 

So when I say therapy isn’t for all, this is what I mean, you have to be willing to change, you have to be able to have hard conversations even if you don’t want to. You have to be willing to put the work in, and that means that you have to take accountability for the stuff that is your fault. You have to own up to your part in what happened. Now I do realize there are some things that are out of our control and I get that. I won’t spell those out and hope you understand what I am saying. If you’re not willing to flay open your soul, take accountability and then change what you need to, then therapy is not for you. 

I am a huge advocate for therapy. I want everyone I come in contact with to be able to go and get rid of all the baggage that drags you down. I want those around me to have a happy life with no baggage. Be the change for someone who may need therapy and they are waiting on you to see what you will do. 

In the next few posts I will write more on my time while I was in therapy. I am hoping this post and the ones following will help you in your journey. I’m hoping you see that therapy while has a stigma on it will help you regardless of those around you who may not be for it. You have to do what’s best for you and your mental state.

Peace out Tater Tot

Can I ask for help?

 Can you ask for help and actually take the help? 

Do you do a "battle cry" of  I don't need help?

Are you always asking for help?

We as women tend to think we have to do it on our own and refuse to ask for help. For some women it's so they can prove that they are capable, but who are you trying to prove it to? Some women have no clue how to ask for help, while other women are afraid to ask for help. 

I did ask for some help when I was younger and was told No, so you guessed it I quit asking for help until the day I had to ask for help. I was trying to prove to those around me that I could do it and didn't need their help. 

Here's the thing for you women out there, some of us don't ask because we know it comes with strings and truthfully who wants to deal with that. I get that some of the times I asked for help it came with strings. Some women refuse to ask because of past times of nobody helping them. When we tried before to ask and got told no or they never showed up to help then we tend to think everyone is going to do that as well. 

I actually was chatting with my therapist about this very subject. She is in the category of being too stubborn to ask. She also brought up another point and that is when we ask for help from someone and they don't value you or that you need help and they let you down. That's a tough one.

As for the people who can't ask for help for fear of strings and you "owe me" debts, I get it. Here's the thing though we are unfortunately putting that "taint" on those around us and it's not fair to those who would help very quickly. I understand the help with strings and you owe me debts, I have had to endure that for quite awhile until I realized I need to just stop asking for help and do it all myself. 

I have a friend that refuses to ask for help, she will do it on her own. One day it hit me, what or who is she trying to prove something to. It did get me to thinking and realizing that all women out there deal with this. Some will say I have no idea what happened or that they always get a no when they ask for help. This means you no longer ask this person for help. They had their reasons and you may not agree and that's ok. It's tough to ask for help when you have heard "no" too often or even when nobody shows up to help. 

In saying all of this what I am getting at is that it's ok to ask for help from the right person. Sit and think of your people, you know who would help and who wouldn't. To the young women, learn to ask regardless of the "no", learn to do some things on your own but when you need help as scary as it is to ask, do it anyways. To the other women out there, it doesn't matter how many times you have heard "no" or dealt with strings and owe me debts, look at your circle there is someone who will help you. 

My Granddad used to tell me that I was blocking the blessing that someone would get because I didn't let them help. I am learning to keep that close and still ask for help. I still have days where I know I need to ask for help but yet I don't want to inconvenience anyone or have someone got out of their way. 

Start small that's all I'm asking for. I had to learn at the beginning of my medical journey in 2022. I still have my moments but each day gets better

Peace out Tater Tot 

I don't want to

     Again this is My opinions and MY life experiences. If at any time you are ready to end your life then please reach out and call 988. If you are feeling depressed, lonely, sad, or overwhelmed from life and it's many trials then please reach out to a friend, Pastor, Boss, Teacher someone who can help you make it through your days living your best life. I have felt all of those and sometimes I still do. Back quite a few years ago it all started to affect my job. I knew it was time to reach out to a counselor but I needed that extra push to get there. 

       The first day I walked into David's office I'm not sure what I expected. I definitely know it wasn't what happened or developed over the years. I had an idea in my mind that we would discuss my childhood and how I felt, what I believed and why I did the things I did. I didn't think it was all tied together. When one area of your life is off balance then all areas are off balance whether you realize it or not. It took about 6 months for me to become comfortable enough to start getting to the root of it all. It took me another 18 months before I could trust him with some very private issues. Yeah yeah yeah I know he's there's to help why did I wait so long. I have trust issues I know this, he knew it within a month or so of meeting me. 

        David was so easy to talk to and he made me comfortable but yet still would call BS if he needed to which he did several times. He was the right counselor for me especially at that time. It took me about 2 years or more before I could look him in the eyes while talking with him. I know there's something out there about not looking at people's eyes when you talk to them but mine started way back in the day when I would talk about how I felt about something. When I was a child I wasn't really believed and at times told "no you don't feel it or something to that effect". When I went to his office I had a certain chair I sat in and would stare out the big bay windows. He would let me because he knew I would talk more that way.

        I do remember one time when I was in his office and wasn't really talking, he gave me an ultimatum and made it clear if I didn't start talking he would shut the blinds on that big bay window I loved to look out. I stalled, he got up and started his way to the window. I started talking of course. David had a way of pushing when he needed to and also backing off when the time was needed. He helped me understand why I did some of the things I did. He helped me understand that I made the decisions based off of skewed tapes in my head from childhood. I guess what I am saying is if you are on the fence about going to a counselor I'm gonna say go ahead and jump off that fence and go. It will be life changing. It will be so rewarding. Well maybe not in the beginning but it has its moments that just make you want to go back and get more. If you are sitting in a counselors office and you don't feel very comfortable then I would say give it three sessions then make a decision. I have a counselor now that if we didn't mesh on the beginning she would have told me and we would have parted ways. Yes I said she. And yes I have another counselor. I will tell you about her in the next writing.

           May is mental health awareness month and while I believe that mental health should have more than a month this is the perfect month to start your healing journey. Mental health needs to be front n center. Too many cases of domestic violence, too many cases of bullying. Too many cases of people doing things out in this world who suffer from depression, low self esteem, low self worth, no love for themselves. It all ties in together. Today is the first day of your life to start a new fresh journey to being happy, to living a happy life doing the things you want and making some really great and happy memories. 

       In closing you aren't always going to have happy days, life gets in the way I understand that. You also will have days where you may be taking a step back into old habits I get that as well. That's when you reach out and get help so you can get back on track. I have someone who stops in at the store and I see him every week but on those weeks where everything is piling up we talk. He reminded me this week that even though I may not realize it I do have another stable person I can talk to. So in your travels you may think nobody would understand I can tell you that there may be someone like that in your life. 

 Peace out Tater Tot.......

What was I thinking

May is National Mental Health Awareness month. In the following writing and the next couple of ones I will be expressing MY opinions and MY life experiences with counseling and mental health. If YOU need help please call the suicide line at 988. Reach out to a close friend that you trust. Have no one close that you trust reach out to someone whether it be your Pastor, boss, teacher, just reach out. I'm glad Mental Health gets a month but it needs more than that. The awareness has come a long way from when I was a child. In the past few years there has been celebrities doing ads to get people that need counseling to go talk to someone. The military is the same but I can't speak on that as I am not nor have I ever been in the military. It wouldn't be fair or right to all those soldiers who would happen to read this. Mental Health needs more attention and more focus than what it currently has. Mental Health is more than just suicidal thoughts, or even the act. It's depression, sadness, low self esteem, overwhelmed constantly with negative thoughts. It's feeling of not loving yourself or learning the value of you. It's bad habits that you do to cover up the lost feeling you have inside. It's self harm, acholol, drugs, over eating just to feel good about yourself. It's doing whatever you can for others to help that feeling of unworthiness. Its generational curses that have been passed down whether you are aware or not. There are some people who don't feel half of these and others that feel them and more. There are some that want help but can't get it. There are some who want help and get it. Then you have some that really don't see an issue with how they are. There are others who want to play or use that mental health card as a crutch. There are all kinds of people out in this crazy world and wherever you may fall in the above my hope is that while you read my writings that you see here, is a chance to get help and love your healthy life. What was I thinking when I said I would seek help for my childhood issues that carried over into adulthood........

When MY world stopped spinning

Interesting title I know but bare with me and I will explain. See some people will know exactly what I mean by the title alone but others will not. There are some people who have experienced this while others have experienced this many times over. Some people don’t even realize it’s happening. I noticed it the first time over 10 years ago now. This time it’s different, last time only lasted 6 months while this time it’s still going on.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Almost 2 years ago my world stopped spinning and I was just focused on getting better and staying strong. It started before I ever went to the emergency room and then had emergency surgery to fix the issue. Looking back maybe the month or 2 leading up to that day was a preparation for the stop. It really sunk in at work just recently when I went to type a password that I had just before I had to be out. My world had stopped spinning that day I had surgery. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When your world stops spinning everything around you continues on and everyone around you goes on about their daily life just living. It’s not their fault or anything they can do, they didn’t have the trauma you did. They didn’t experience their world stopping. Yes they went with you on the journey, yes they spent time with you but still their world was still spinning while my world had stopped. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After your world stops spinning you have to learn a new normal, you have to learn to start living again and most importantly you have to get your world back to spinning again. The sad thing is it’s not as easy this time around but that may be because I am still dealing. I guess you could say it’s not time for my world to start up again for whatever reason. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It’s like during the time that you are waiting for your world to start again you are being prepared for a different normal, a new normal. It’s about changing to accommodate what you have been through. No not the victim mentality but the accepting that your world stopped for a trauma and then you learn to move on and deal with it in a positive way. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slowly my world is starting to spin again but it’s a slow process this time around. I can feel it starting just by being able to do ordinary things and being able to be back at work. It’s not at a full spin just yet, you know how when you spin a top it starts slow and then builds up speed and goes faster n faster, well I’m at the beginning of the spin. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soon all things medical will be but a distant memory. Soon my couch will no longer look like a doctor’s tray ready for me to change the dressing. Soon all the medical boxes will be donated to others. Soon I will not have to worry about ordering any medical supplies. Soon I will have not to worry about sensitivity to tape and itching skin. Soon very soon my world will be spinning with a new normal just for me……… Till next time

Its a wild Wednesday

March 29th update. Today was a great day, did a little straighting up in my reading room. That made me feel really great as I stand in the doorway looking in the room. Today I actually got my wound vac put back on, we are also monitoring the top 2 tunnels as it is possible there is infection in there. I mean really, every day is an adventure of never knowing what I am gonna find when I take the dressing off. Right now the drainage is a yellow color, oh my...... As I lay on the couch stretched out, I have to clean my belly button before we put the wound vac back on. I look at my belly and say I am sorry, but it is looking good if only the tunnels will heal up. The pain is still here not as bad but still letting me know I still have issues. Lol I think I will always have issues. My home health nurse comes in and lets me know the docs are good with us putting the wound vac on for a couple of days and then letting my skin rest. I wish I could have it on 24/7 so the tunnels will here faster. Now I may have to have the wound vac a little longer than I thought. I am ok with it if I have to keep it a little longer. I am trying to stay positive and focus on today. So we are gonna keep the wound vac on today and see what my skin looks like on Friday when we take it off.------------------------------------------------------------------As I sit in my recliner eating pringles, I think about being strong, pushing through, surviving. Most days I will do that, most days I make it through. I will let you in on a secret, I don't see me that way. I just try my best to make it through each day. This is the second major medical journey that I have been on. I have been through minor medical journeys since the first major one again I just push on. Its the only thing I know how to do. Now don't get me wrong I have bad days. The first medical journey I wouldn't allow myself to have any bad days. It was during the minor journeys that I realized its ok to have bad days just don't stay there. This current medical journey I have had bad days and I allow them, but only one bad day. I would text a friend and would list what I didn't like then just kinda chill on the couch for the day. The next day I would wake up and everything would be ok. I would be able to have the strength to push through and have a better day. The bad days that I have are few and far between and I have learned its actually healthy to accept the bad day when it happens as long as its only one. If you start to have more bad days in a row then I would suggest you talk to a close friend about what is going on. When going through a medical journey and having too many bad days is never a good thing. You can not fight the bad days and then have the strength to fight the medical journey as well. My hope as you read my updates is to bring encouragement and let you know you can make it!!!! Peace out

Just another Tuesday

March 28th update Good Evening, yep it's that time again. Today was a decent day, nah it was a great day. I had to change the dressing again today, the rash is just about gone and that may let me get the wound vac tomorrow. Which might be a good thing, I ran out of the packing strips today. The pain has been letting me know today that I still have a wound that is not healed. I am considering heading to Johns Hopkins and see if I can just admit myself for daily testing for the rest of my life. Too many rare disease and too much happens daily when I am on the medical journey. I mean I really would be ok with that, maybe take a 2 week vacation to come see everyone. When I went to change the dressing there was a different color draining so of course a text was sent to my super hero, my home health nurse. We shall see what she says and she will be by tomorrow to check out whats going on.-------------------------------------------------------------------There are times where in the evening I think I need to get ready for bed so I can get up and go into work, it takes me about 5 minutes before I realize I am still out of work. I know it's crazy because I have been out for a bit now and when I sit in my recliner I will some times forget that I have a wound. Today the pain has reminded me most of the day. Also I am ready to get back to work but my body says nope not right now. So I get comfy and decide what I am gonna watch on tv and relax. There are times during the day that I have to remind myself what day it is. I will say I have learned to take each day as it comes and not worry about tomorrow. I am getting better at that. So tomorrow as you go about your day just focus on today and what you can get done and then do one thing you want to do!!.