This isn't how I expected my life…

    When I was little I wasn’t for sure how my life would turn out. All I knew was that I wanted to be a manager of a hotel/restaurant business. I'm sure a lot of you will agree with what I am about to write. My life has not been easy at all, in fact as I look back I see how tough it’s been. Now don’t get me wrong I have had some very good days sprinkled in, and some great days sprinkled in with all that. I have learned that this life is all we get, it took me a long time to figure that out but I think I got there, at least I hope. 

   My life as I call it has been a series of unfortunate events with some good/great things going on. I have learned that if we only look at the bad then that’s all we will see, but we have to train ourselves to focus on the good, because eventually the good will always always outweigh the bad. Yes bad things happen,, yes tragic things happen but they will teach us if we allow them to. Now before you get your boxers in a twist let me reassure you that I have had some tragic, bad, horrible things happen to me. I mean we are talking losing a parent unexpectedly at the age of 17, cancer twice, sexual manipulation as I call it. My therapist would call it r@pe but he allowed me to say it my way because that’s the way I feel about it. In all of this I never expected my life to take the drastic turn it did.

    When I was little I didn’t have any expectations, when I became a teenager my childhood best friend and I made a deal that we would marry a guy who didn’t drink or smoke. Well I failed that one and I’m sure she did too. My marriage didn’t last long but that’s okay, it wasn’t a good fit and that was also some sexual manipulation going on there as well, but that’s a whole another story. Let’s just say and because my grandma is gone I can safely say this. I only married him because it would please her, shocking to some of you who didn’t know me back then or even 15 years ago. 

    My life as I look back has taught me strength, perseverance, patience, boldness, peace, humility, hopeful, thankful, realizing that I love my heart just as it is. I have learned that I love being in the moment whatever I may be doing no matter who I am with. Just a side note I haven’t done that one as well as I could but I’m learning. I don’t have favorite foods or favorite places because I will always say that my favorite whatever is whatever I am doing with someone. I have been to the mountains a couple of times with different people and each one of them was a different experience, but it was my favorite. I am still learning to live in the moment. 

   It’s been almost 4 years of dealing with a very serious medical condition and I have noticed that in the past week that I am a tad stronger, and willing to do more than I have been. I know that my strength will come back, in the moment you don’t realize how much it takes out of you to just survive. Eventually I do want to start traveling again, I haven’t done that in so long, I start to get a bit anxious of going anywhere far, but that’s gonna change. 

So even though my life turned out the way it did doesn’t mean that it was bad, it just meant that I had no clue as to how difficult it would be. I had to learn to fight for my life, I had to learn to deal by myself, I had to learn how to rely on others. I had to learn how to take the good times and run with them while I could. I had to learn to live life with a smile, and not worry so much. I had to learn that it was okay to cry if I needed to didn’t mean I was weak, I was just tired.

   I had to learn to stay the course because my life isn’t done yet. God isn’t done with me yet. I still have people to meet. I still have smiles to give, I still have laughter to infect everyone I come in contact with. I still have hope for not only a cure but to be living my best life. I still have joy to spread, I still have love to give even though I can get stingy with it at times. I still have food to try, food to cook. I still have friends that need my help, I still have stories to write. I still have my children to help. 

    So as you go about your day learn to smile, learn to enjoy the moment you are in because no matter what news you just got you are still living. Be happy and enjoy the life you have….. you never know what’s around the corner. 

As always

Peace out Tater Tot 

PS I may have to send this one to Tater Tot if I can find his email address….Maybe I will get someone to send this to him….

Who can say whether it is good or bad?

A farmer and his son lived on a farm in the countryside.They owned a beautiful horse they cherished deeply. The farmer entered the horse into a village contest and won first prize along with some money.When his neighbors gathered to congratulate him, they said enviously, “How lucky you are to have such a remarkable horse.”To the neighbor’s puzzlement, the farmer responded, “Who knows what is good or bad. Not long after, some thieves heard about the prize-winning horse and stole it during the night.The neighbors came by to express their sympathy for the farmers loss and again were confused by the farmers calm response—“Who knows what is good or bad.” The next week the spirited horse escaped from the thieves and miraculously returned to the farm—with several other spectacular wild horses.Again, the astounded neighbors commended the farmer on his incredible good fortune, but his reaction was unchanged—“Who knows what is good or bad.” Not long after, the farmer’s son fell off one of the horses and broke his leg. Compassionate neighbors again expressed their heartfelt sorrow.“Who knows what is good or bad,” repeated the farmer calmly. A short time later, the King’s army passed through town requiring all young and able-bodied men to be drafted into the War, but the farmer’s son was passed over due to his badly broken leg. By this time, the neighbors brought some food and simply came to enjoy a meal with the farmer and his son. They expressed neither joy nor concern for the farmers current circumstances because they knew how he would respond.

This is from leadyoufirst by Parker Houston

So this was one of the topics from a dear friend and it’s definitely challenging and while I had some doubts I decided to tackle this one after I read the parable at least twice. Now it’s time to tackle my opinion of this parable. I will also say I didn’t read the authors take on this until the second time and my brain went a different place but almost the same. I will add his thoughts at the end, well some of his thoughts…

   So when I read it the first time, I had to sit on it for a few days and then BAM it hit me in-the soul and what my opinion or thoughts are on this parable. We also could apply this to our daily lives.

So who is to say something is good or bad, the same thing could happen to 2 people and both of those people will see it differently. Some will see it as way worse than it is or even way better than what is happening. We look at the people and things around our lives and see what they have done, what they have accomplished and admire them or think man they have it going on, they always have good in their lives. Flip side is when we look at the tragedies of the people we know and think I couldn’t do it or even make it as far as they have, but to the person who is going through it may and more than likely look at it quite differently. It is all about our perspective on what is happening at this very moment. 

This parable has taught me that even if I am dealing with a tragedy or great news, I get to decide if it’s good or bad or better yet are they both good or bad? I have been through some tragedies and most days I face it with a positive upbeat attitude and those other days where it’s doom n gloom I let it all hang out or rather I tend to go inside my head and stay there for a day or 2. This parable has shown me that I shouldn’t judge a situation on what is going on in someone else’s life and deem it good or bad. The person going through it can decide that. 

This parable about judging something without all the information is something we all do whether we want to admit it or not. It’s ok, don’t beat yourself up over it, cause you can change your perspective on how you look at things moving forward. If you want to deem something good or bad and the person beside you wants to be the opposite then that would be a great time to have a conversation about why each of you have different views. It will make you more aware going forward. This life is hard enough and we all see some much negative, can we find some positive and start spreading that? Can we have conversations where you and the other person can have a good argument about the differences? No I’m not talking yelling and screaming and demanding and pushing someone to think like you. We all think different and that’s how we were made to be. As I tell B we can’t always have the same things around because nobody will like it. 

This parable is a great start to having some conversations with different views. So moving forward I am going to learn how to debate without the anger, and stick with what I know and should you change my mind on things then congrats to you! I absolutely love deep conversations with people, well not everyone just the ones willing to go with me. While I’m at it if it’s a subject I don’t know, then please don’t treat me different, educate me and don’t get mad when I ask questions. I am a very curious person on most subjects and I love information, so until next time 

Peace out Tater Tot

This is just a snippet from the author

Turn information into action.Viewing things from this perspective helps me to generate less internal resistance, more acceptance, and more compassion—for people, circumstances, and myself. Next time you notice your mind jumping to conclusions about whether something is great or terrible, pause and acknowledge what is now. Enjoy it or grieve it and move forward. Be present.Life is constantly shifting and changing, and it can be very difficult to predict the longer-term ripple effects of any single event.This is both good and bad news.

Parker

If I could visit one place, where

  It’s been a week since I have last written which means I have to give myself some grace. My plan was to write everyday, but….. I forget how much life gets in the way and my body just doesn’t always listen like it should. I am trying to learn to get back to normal living whatever that may be. So the title is from at least 2 of the 5 I asked for some topics. I will answer this one with a 2~part answer, you will see why shortly.

    So there are 2 places that I would love to visit, the first is the Amish communities and the second is Greece. So my dear sweet friend Marla and I were supposed to go up north and see her family and that would also give me the chance to visit the Amish as well. She grew up near there and is familiar with it. Now I could go with her daughter Dawn and who knows we may do that. I am fascinated with Amish ways and the simple yet hardworking community they have going on. Yes I know there is no electronics or even all of the modern convenience that I have today. It’s not about living there for life but I am very much interested in learning about the Amish ways. As most of you know I love to read and I have read quite a few books for the Amish and I am completely aware that what I read is fiction and not real life, but I am still curious about it. I also want to get a quilt that has been made by the Amish, yes I am aware that it will be expensive but taking into account the amount of time and energy in doing them by hand well let’s just say I still want to get one.

   So Greece, well that is one that will remain always a dream for me, at this stage in my life I have no illusions that I will get to go there. Here’s the thing though I can hope and dream about it and I am okay with that. There’s just something about Greece that has called to me. Also I think it’s okay to have a dream place that you want to visit and should you ever get to go to that place, then yes you should take advantage of of it and then find another dream place to start. 

   I will do another writing shortly and it will be a challenging one for me but I think you will love it, so this one is done and now to go start “who can say whether it is good or bad” until then 

Peace Out Tater Tot

The Simplicity of Fishing

    So I spent the last few months house sitting in Sunset Beach. One side was the marsh and the other side was the canal, on the opposite side of the canal there was an area where you could fish, crab or just chill. I absolutely love to see folks out there enjoying their time. 

   The first time I experienced someone out there was on Friday nite, and there was a young couple out there cooking on a little grill. They had all they needed for date nite, food, table, each other and the sun was setting during their meal. I thought that was amazing, you could tell they were enjoying themselves, after they ate they took their chairs and made sure to face the sun as it was setting. 

    Over the years I have watched different folks and sometimes the same folks come out and fish. I actually saw kids out there fishing and having a blast. No phone, no arguing, no yelling,I mean absolutely no phones which is amazing in this day time. They spent a few hours out there. Another time there was a dad with his young sons out there fishing and he was letting them be “boys”. I have seen a few older couples come out and most spend the day out there. I also seen one older couple out there and the wife looked like she was giving her husband some lessons, needless to say it was hilarious to watch them. 

  Fishing is one of those hobby’s that you love to fish or you don’t. It’s all about patience and a whole bunch of waiting to get a bite. Fishing will teach the young about patience but also will give them memories to take with them as they grow. Fishing is one of those hobby’s that you have to just be, you have to be able to sit and enjoy your own company or better yet enjoy the company you brought along. So make sure before you go fishing to really think about who you want to go with you. You can make some very emotional memories while you are fishing. I am reminded of a Trace Adkins song called “Just Fishin” and it’s about fishin of course but more importantly about fishing with his daughter and creating memories. 

    The simplicity of fishing is just that, no phones, not much talking or talking quietly, no anger, just be, you have stopped your world for either a couple of hours or all day. You will probably notice things you wouldn’t normally notice, or hear sounds you don’t usually get to hear. You get to create a memory for you or for those you brought. You don’t have to go fishing to experience this. You could be like some of the young people who go and just hang out but make sure to put your phone down so you can see what’s around you. We all need to take advantage of a day like this…..

Peace Out Tater Tot

   

When bad things happen to good people….

 Before I begin let me say that this is MY opinion and MY thoughts. They may not be correct for you or others but this is MY thoughts on the topic. 

About 15 years ago I started to same some variation of this phrase and as of today I still don’t have a definite answer for this question that many have asked in their own lives. I have come up with a way to deal with why bad things happen to good people. I look around me and see that at times it looks like bad people get the good things while the good people suffer. This is the kind of mental state you get into if you follow the path to get the answer you want. Let me tell you that if there is a true honest to goodness answer for this question I haven’t found it yet. So let me tell you how I deal with this, it ain’t pretty but yet it is.

I mean if you look around you, you will see kids with cancer, adults dealing with life tragedies, and most of them especially the kids are good people. Then you look at the news or again around you and you see the bad people living great lives. It just doesn’t make sense to me or others. So I have decided quite a few years ago to start looking at my situation a bit different. I will always try my best to have a smile on my face. I will always try my best to be positive. I have always tried to do my best to let Jesus’ light to shine bright from me. Now for the other side of that coin

On the days where my mind wants to know why, or when I see children with cancer or rare diseases I get upset because then I ask out loud why can’t a child predator have that instead? I will allow myself to have those days where I question and will be sad, mad or just complete disappointed, those are also the days where I make sure to only have it for a day and then try to do better the next day. 

When bad things happen to good people,some people turn their tragedies into something positive for their life, while others will let it destroy them. Some people will wallow in it for the rest of their lives and always be a victim or want the pity party that comes with it. Some people will allow themselves to stay there for a bit and then co e out the other side stronger and better, and help others. I believe that through all of life’s tragedies we should find the hope to keep going, to help others, to lift others up. We must remember that we are not the only ones going through something, others ,at be better at hiding it than what you are. That’s ok, let them I you can still be there. 

While good things happen to bad people you can choose to either find the good in it or the bad. That choice is yours. As I wrote that a thought popped in my head so I need to share that while there are a few “bad” things that happen to good people it would be hard to find the positive in it, I am aware of that. 

So moving forward that while bad things happen to good people, I bet there are even more good things that happen to good people than we know about. So from this day forward be a part of spreading the good things that happen to good people, get it out there so that the rest of us can have hope…..

Peace out Tater Tot

Challenges of Eating

   This topic has been a focus for me more in the past few years than ever before. Nowadays it’s even more prominent in my life as food doesn’t like my stomach. Food is an essential part of life, you must consume food in order to have energy. You must eat the right foods for your body to have fuel. It’s a relentless cycle, you must eat or you will have no energy, you must eat in order for your body to properly work. If you don’t eat well then there’s no energy, your body starts to breakdown. 

See I come from a generation where you ate 3 meals and maybe a snack in the afternoon. My house, you just couldn’t go to the fridge and just get something to eat, but my cousin could do that. My mother made all the food and you had to eat what was on your plate, you couldn’t leave the table until you were a part of the clean plate club. My mother made our plates and you had to eat everything that was on the plate, you couldn’t have seconds until everything on your plate was gone. If you got seconds then you still had to finish that as well. You couldn’t get up until your plate was clean. I also remember that you couldn’t ever say you didn’t like something especially if you haven’t tried it yet. I have a funny story from when I was a kid that makes me laugh but it stuck with me. My cousin had told her dad she wasn’t eating green peas from a can and spat them out. He got up opened another can and warmed them up, she had to sit there and finish the whole can. Needless to say she never again said I don’t like or spit her food out. 

Nowadays I am learning that I have to eat smaller meals and more often. Right now it’s not easy and I am trying to break a cycle that I have had my whole life. How do you change? How do you teach yourself to eat smaller meals especially when the food is so delicious? I already have to stay away from dairy, and now you want me to do smaller meals and eat a little more often? Yeah,like I really want to do that (eye roll). The great thing about this is that while I don’t feel like I can change years of a habit that was formed in childhood, I know that it will take time but I will get there. 

Food is a part of life, you meet friends and loved one at restaurants, your first date, meeting new and old friends. When you are cooking for others, you spend quite a bit of time in the kitchen talking and laughing. Food is what brings people together whatever the occasion is. So while this may not be easy for me, I know that I can do it, I mean I have finally gotten okay with not drinking whole milk. So there is hope for me yet. I love food especially when I cook it. I also love trying different recipes, I do have my favorites and to try and eat a small meals. I mean I could do that and then save the rest for another meal, but when the food is so good…….

Today being August 1st, I have decided to write everyday about a different topic no matter how tired I am.  Right now I have about 17 more topics from close friends and I will write about each one of them. If you have any ideas on how to eat smaller meals then leave me a comment. I don’t mind different ideas, 

As I was reading over what I just wrote I realized that there are people who have an eating disorder, or a food addiction, I don’t have either of these and can’t begin to understand what you are going through, so please know this isn’t a judgement on you and what you may be going through as you read my post. 

Am I Cuckoo

Therapy is not for everyone. Yes I actually said that but wait…… there’s more!!! Society tells us we should do talk therapy or whatever the other one is. It gets 30 seconds and too me that’s just crazy and not really helpful. Society also makes jokes, laughs at others and berate someone for going to therapy. Society has taught us for a long time that talking to a therapist is just not cool and now they are trying to change the narrative on that. My title is very fitting because I actually have an uncle that asked me that when he realized I was seeing a therapist. My first therapist was a really good one and my second one was just what I needed at the time. I didn’t tell my grandma about going to therapy because she was one of those people. Nothing wrong with that I just wasn’t comfortable telling her just yet but I did. 

In my formative years I wasn’t for or against therapy just something that I didn’t think about. Then as I got older and realizing I need some help but had no clue where to start. So of course like others I put it off. I wouldn’t think about therapy for awhile and then one day I was just ready to deal with my childhood and get all the baggage taken care so I could move on with my life and enjoy it. My life, my church and work all came to head one week and then I had no choice but to reach out. 

I had to answer some questions with a caller to get the phone numbers and names of therapists in the area. One question she asked and I understood immediately what she was asking. She asked if I preferred a male or female. I chose male because at that time I was very comfortable talking to a male. At that time there was no way I would ever be able to talk to a female. Don’t worry David got me hooked up with Joanne for my second therapist. I wouldn’t trade either one, they were sent at the exact time that it was needed. 

First day of therapy, you want me to talk, you want me to do what?? You mean to tell me this is a safe place and I can tell you all my deepest darkest secrets?  No way, no how, you aren’t tricking me into talking about what’s going on in my life. It took me about 6 to 8 months before I could trust David with some deep dark secrets. It took another 6 months before I could really really trust him and for real give up the deepest darkest secrets I carried. I tell you though, it was most rewarding. 

I’m sure some of you have read the very first line and then read up to here and wonder why I said that since I had such a rewarding time. I will explain now, so in my first visits with David I started to be okay talking with him as long as we didn’t get too deep. I also realized that I was paying him to help me. That’s when it clicked for me, I had to be willing to lay my soul bare, I also had to start taking what I had learned and using it so I could change. At the time I was going there was this older gentleman who was going but the thing was he was still harping on childhood issues but wasn’t willing to learn and move forward. That’s so sad to me, this man spent his life in therapy and didn’t change. 

So when I say therapy isn’t for all, this is what I mean, you have to be willing to change, you have to be able to have hard conversations even if you don’t want to. You have to be willing to put the work in, and that means that you have to take accountability for the stuff that is your fault. You have to own up to your part in what happened. Now I do realize there are some things that are out of our control and I get that. I won’t spell those out and hope you understand what I am saying. If you’re not willing to flay open your soul, take accountability and then change what you need to, then therapy is not for you. 

I am a huge advocate for therapy. I want everyone I come in contact with to be able to go and get rid of all the baggage that drags you down. I want those around me to have a happy life with no baggage. Be the change for someone who may need therapy and they are waiting on you to see what you will do. 

In the next few posts I will write more on my time while I was in therapy. I am hoping this post and the ones following will help you in your journey. I’m hoping you see that therapy while has a stigma on it will help you regardless of those around you who may not be for it. You have to do what’s best for you and your mental state.

Peace out Tater Tot

Can I ask for help?

 Can you ask for help and actually take the help? 

Do you do a "battle cry" of  I don't need help?

Are you always asking for help?

We as women tend to think we have to do it on our own and refuse to ask for help. For some women it's so they can prove that they are capable, but who are you trying to prove it to? Some women have no clue how to ask for help, while other women are afraid to ask for help. 

I did ask for some help when I was younger and was told No, so you guessed it I quit asking for help until the day I had to ask for help. I was trying to prove to those around me that I could do it and didn't need their help. 

Here's the thing for you women out there, some of us don't ask because we know it comes with strings and truthfully who wants to deal with that. I get that some of the times I asked for help it came with strings. Some women refuse to ask because of past times of nobody helping them. When we tried before to ask and got told no or they never showed up to help then we tend to think everyone is going to do that as well. 

I actually was chatting with my therapist about this very subject. She is in the category of being too stubborn to ask. She also brought up another point and that is when we ask for help from someone and they don't value you or that you need help and they let you down. That's a tough one.

As for the people who can't ask for help for fear of strings and you "owe me" debts, I get it. Here's the thing though we are unfortunately putting that "taint" on those around us and it's not fair to those who would help very quickly. I understand the help with strings and you owe me debts, I have had to endure that for quite awhile until I realized I need to just stop asking for help and do it all myself. 

I have a friend that refuses to ask for help, she will do it on her own. One day it hit me, what or who is she trying to prove something to. It did get me to thinking and realizing that all women out there deal with this. Some will say I have no idea what happened or that they always get a no when they ask for help. This means you no longer ask this person for help. They had their reasons and you may not agree and that's ok. It's tough to ask for help when you have heard "no" too often or even when nobody shows up to help. 

In saying all of this what I am getting at is that it's ok to ask for help from the right person. Sit and think of your people, you know who would help and who wouldn't. To the young women, learn to ask regardless of the "no", learn to do some things on your own but when you need help as scary as it is to ask, do it anyways. To the other women out there, it doesn't matter how many times you have heard "no" or dealt with strings and owe me debts, look at your circle there is someone who will help you. 

My Granddad used to tell me that I was blocking the blessing that someone would get because I didn't let them help. I am learning to keep that close and still ask for help. I still have days where I know I need to ask for help but yet I don't want to inconvenience anyone or have someone got out of their way. 

Start small that's all I'm asking for. I had to learn at the beginning of my medical journey in 2022. I still have my moments but each day gets better

Peace out Tater Tot 

I don't want to

     Again this is My opinions and MY life experiences. If at any time you are ready to end your life then please reach out and call 988. If you are feeling depressed, lonely, sad, or overwhelmed from life and it's many trials then please reach out to a friend, Pastor, Boss, Teacher someone who can help you make it through your days living your best life. I have felt all of those and sometimes I still do. Back quite a few years ago it all started to affect my job. I knew it was time to reach out to a counselor but I needed that extra push to get there. 

       The first day I walked into David's office I'm not sure what I expected. I definitely know it wasn't what happened or developed over the years. I had an idea in my mind that we would discuss my childhood and how I felt, what I believed and why I did the things I did. I didn't think it was all tied together. When one area of your life is off balance then all areas are off balance whether you realize it or not. It took about 6 months for me to become comfortable enough to start getting to the root of it all. It took me another 18 months before I could trust him with some very private issues. Yeah yeah yeah I know he's there's to help why did I wait so long. I have trust issues I know this, he knew it within a month or so of meeting me. 

        David was so easy to talk to and he made me comfortable but yet still would call BS if he needed to which he did several times. He was the right counselor for me especially at that time. It took me about 2 years or more before I could look him in the eyes while talking with him. I know there's something out there about not looking at people's eyes when you talk to them but mine started way back in the day when I would talk about how I felt about something. When I was a child I wasn't really believed and at times told "no you don't feel it or something to that effect". When I went to his office I had a certain chair I sat in and would stare out the big bay windows. He would let me because he knew I would talk more that way.

        I do remember one time when I was in his office and wasn't really talking, he gave me an ultimatum and made it clear if I didn't start talking he would shut the blinds on that big bay window I loved to look out. I stalled, he got up and started his way to the window. I started talking of course. David had a way of pushing when he needed to and also backing off when the time was needed. He helped me understand why I did some of the things I did. He helped me understand that I made the decisions based off of skewed tapes in my head from childhood. I guess what I am saying is if you are on the fence about going to a counselor I'm gonna say go ahead and jump off that fence and go. It will be life changing. It will be so rewarding. Well maybe not in the beginning but it has its moments that just make you want to go back and get more. If you are sitting in a counselors office and you don't feel very comfortable then I would say give it three sessions then make a decision. I have a counselor now that if we didn't mesh on the beginning she would have told me and we would have parted ways. Yes I said she. And yes I have another counselor. I will tell you about her in the next writing.

           May is mental health awareness month and while I believe that mental health should have more than a month this is the perfect month to start your healing journey. Mental health needs to be front n center. Too many cases of domestic violence, too many cases of bullying. Too many cases of people doing things out in this world who suffer from depression, low self esteem, low self worth, no love for themselves. It all ties in together. Today is the first day of your life to start a new fresh journey to being happy, to living a happy life doing the things you want and making some really great and happy memories. 

       In closing you aren't always going to have happy days, life gets in the way I understand that. You also will have days where you may be taking a step back into old habits I get that as well. That's when you reach out and get help so you can get back on track. I have someone who stops in at the store and I see him every week but on those weeks where everything is piling up we talk. He reminded me this week that even though I may not realize it I do have another stable person I can talk to. So in your travels you may think nobody would understand I can tell you that there may be someone like that in your life. 

 Peace out Tater Tot.......

What was I thinking

May is National Mental Health Awareness month. In the following writing and the next couple of ones I will be expressing MY opinions and MY life experiences with counseling and mental health. If YOU need help please call the suicide line at 988. Reach out to a close friend that you trust. Have no one close that you trust reach out to someone whether it be your Pastor, boss, teacher, just reach out. I'm glad Mental Health gets a month but it needs more than that. The awareness has come a long way from when I was a child. In the past few years there has been celebrities doing ads to get people that need counseling to go talk to someone. The military is the same but I can't speak on that as I am not nor have I ever been in the military. It wouldn't be fair or right to all those soldiers who would happen to read this. Mental Health needs more attention and more focus than what it currently has. Mental Health is more than just suicidal thoughts, or even the act. It's depression, sadness, low self esteem, overwhelmed constantly with negative thoughts. It's feeling of not loving yourself or learning the value of you. It's bad habits that you do to cover up the lost feeling you have inside. It's self harm, acholol, drugs, over eating just to feel good about yourself. It's doing whatever you can for others to help that feeling of unworthiness. Its generational curses that have been passed down whether you are aware or not. There are some people who don't feel half of these and others that feel them and more. There are some that want help but can't get it. There are some who want help and get it. Then you have some that really don't see an issue with how they are. There are others who want to play or use that mental health card as a crutch. There are all kinds of people out in this crazy world and wherever you may fall in the above my hope is that while you read my writings that you see here, is a chance to get help and love your healthy life. What was I thinking when I said I would seek help for my childhood issues that carried over into adulthood........

When MY world stopped spinning

Interesting title I know but bare with me and I will explain. See some people will know exactly what I mean by the title alone but others will not. There are some people who have experienced this while others have experienced this many times over. Some people don’t even realize it’s happening. I noticed it the first time over 10 years ago now. This time it’s different, last time only lasted 6 months while this time it’s still going on.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Almost 2 years ago my world stopped spinning and I was just focused on getting better and staying strong. It started before I ever went to the emergency room and then had emergency surgery to fix the issue. Looking back maybe the month or 2 leading up to that day was a preparation for the stop. It really sunk in at work just recently when I went to type a password that I had just before I had to be out. My world had stopped spinning that day I had surgery. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When your world stops spinning everything around you continues on and everyone around you goes on about their daily life just living. It’s not their fault or anything they can do, they didn’t have the trauma you did. They didn’t experience their world stopping. Yes they went with you on the journey, yes they spent time with you but still their world was still spinning while my world had stopped. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After your world stops spinning you have to learn a new normal, you have to learn to start living again and most importantly you have to get your world back to spinning again. The sad thing is it’s not as easy this time around but that may be because I am still dealing. I guess you could say it’s not time for my world to start up again for whatever reason. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It’s like during the time that you are waiting for your world to start again you are being prepared for a different normal, a new normal. It’s about changing to accommodate what you have been through. No not the victim mentality but the accepting that your world stopped for a trauma and then you learn to move on and deal with it in a positive way. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slowly my world is starting to spin again but it’s a slow process this time around. I can feel it starting just by being able to do ordinary things and being able to be back at work. It’s not at a full spin just yet, you know how when you spin a top it starts slow and then builds up speed and goes faster n faster, well I’m at the beginning of the spin. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soon all things medical will be but a distant memory. Soon my couch will no longer look like a doctor’s tray ready for me to change the dressing. Soon all the medical boxes will be donated to others. Soon I will not have to worry about ordering any medical supplies. Soon I will have not to worry about sensitivity to tape and itching skin. Soon very soon my world will be spinning with a new normal just for me……… Till next time

Its a wild Wednesday

March 29th update. Today was a great day, did a little straighting up in my reading room. That made me feel really great as I stand in the doorway looking in the room. Today I actually got my wound vac put back on, we are also monitoring the top 2 tunnels as it is possible there is infection in there. I mean really, every day is an adventure of never knowing what I am gonna find when I take the dressing off. Right now the drainage is a yellow color, oh my...... As I lay on the couch stretched out, I have to clean my belly button before we put the wound vac back on. I look at my belly and say I am sorry, but it is looking good if only the tunnels will heal up. The pain is still here not as bad but still letting me know I still have issues. Lol I think I will always have issues. My home health nurse comes in and lets me know the docs are good with us putting the wound vac on for a couple of days and then letting my skin rest. I wish I could have it on 24/7 so the tunnels will here faster. Now I may have to have the wound vac a little longer than I thought. I am ok with it if I have to keep it a little longer. I am trying to stay positive and focus on today. So we are gonna keep the wound vac on today and see what my skin looks like on Friday when we take it off.------------------------------------------------------------------As I sit in my recliner eating pringles, I think about being strong, pushing through, surviving. Most days I will do that, most days I make it through. I will let you in on a secret, I don't see me that way. I just try my best to make it through each day. This is the second major medical journey that I have been on. I have been through minor medical journeys since the first major one again I just push on. Its the only thing I know how to do. Now don't get me wrong I have bad days. The first medical journey I wouldn't allow myself to have any bad days. It was during the minor journeys that I realized its ok to have bad days just don't stay there. This current medical journey I have had bad days and I allow them, but only one bad day. I would text a friend and would list what I didn't like then just kinda chill on the couch for the day. The next day I would wake up and everything would be ok. I would be able to have the strength to push through and have a better day. The bad days that I have are few and far between and I have learned its actually healthy to accept the bad day when it happens as long as its only one. If you start to have more bad days in a row then I would suggest you talk to a close friend about what is going on. When going through a medical journey and having too many bad days is never a good thing. You can not fight the bad days and then have the strength to fight the medical journey as well. My hope as you read my updates is to bring encouragement and let you know you can make it!!!! Peace out

Just another Tuesday

March 28th update Good Evening, yep it's that time again. Today was a decent day, nah it was a great day. I had to change the dressing again today, the rash is just about gone and that may let me get the wound vac tomorrow. Which might be a good thing, I ran out of the packing strips today. The pain has been letting me know today that I still have a wound that is not healed. I am considering heading to Johns Hopkins and see if I can just admit myself for daily testing for the rest of my life. Too many rare disease and too much happens daily when I am on the medical journey. I mean I really would be ok with that, maybe take a 2 week vacation to come see everyone. When I went to change the dressing there was a different color draining so of course a text was sent to my super hero, my home health nurse. We shall see what she says and she will be by tomorrow to check out whats going on.-------------------------------------------------------------------There are times where in the evening I think I need to get ready for bed so I can get up and go into work, it takes me about 5 minutes before I realize I am still out of work. I know it's crazy because I have been out for a bit now and when I sit in my recliner I will some times forget that I have a wound. Today the pain has reminded me most of the day. Also I am ready to get back to work but my body says nope not right now. So I get comfy and decide what I am gonna watch on tv and relax. There are times during the day that I have to remind myself what day it is. I will say I have learned to take each day as it comes and not worry about tomorrow. I am getting better at that. So tomorrow as you go about your day just focus on today and what you can get done and then do one thing you want to do!!.

How do you sit?

March 27th update Good evening. Today I had an eye appt, it was a 3 month check-up to see if my eyes had gotten better or not. See I have a genetic eye disease called Fuch's Dystrophy, it causes your cornea to swell which of course affects your vision. Great news the drops are helping so much my right eye is back to 20/20 and my left eye well is my problem child. I can finally get new glasses. No transplant for this girl right now but eye drops are for life. Anywho I will have to do a post about that another time. As I was driving to the eye doc I was having some pain around my wound from sitting straight up. No big deal, we gotta keep going. My home health nurse stopped by this afternoon and we decided we are gonna leave the wound vac off one more day to let the rash heal even more. My home health nurse will send a message to the doc to see what she wants to do, pictures are included in her message. Some times you just can't tell a person how bad it is, but pictures really do make a difference. So now almost my entire belly is covered in medical breathable tape. The tape isn't anywhere close to the wound or the Destin. We have learned to move the tape around so my skin doesn't get use to it in the same location.I am ok with the great news from early this afternoon, as for the wound well we are doing all we can, that includes prayers, cremes, rest, air, new packing strips,different tape. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As I sit here in my recliner Indian style mind you watching the news. I think about how I sit and then when I get up I have to hold my belly and stand a second so the pain will go away. i just want to be able to sit like a normal person or even sit like I did before all the surgeries. So I ask you how do you sit? Most people will probably give a strange look to that question because you have probably never thought about it. It's a normal thing to just sit so why would you think about a silly question like that. Now I'm gonna take it easy for the rest of the nite, had a busy afternoon. So let's see what tomorrow holds!!

The itching is gone....at least for now

It's Sunday nite March 26th. I had to relax again today because the drainage gets to be too much. We now call it red drainage. I had to change the dressing today and as I am pulling out the packing strip from the top tunnel it hurts some but gotta get it out. I finish taking out the rest jump in the shower to wash and make sure the wound is good. Again after my shower I head for the couch to pack the top tunnel and then relax back letting the wound get some air. Today the rash is almost gone but it looks way better than it did yesterday. Looking at it yesterday I wasn't for sure if it was gonna get better or not. Tomorrow my home health nurse will come and we will decide if we get to put the wound vac on. I am suppose to have it for a month. It's the last step before surgery. On a completely different note the itching finally stopped, of course realizing that as soon as the wound vac was off the itch took off as well. Hopefully tomorrow we get better news.... Heres the thing, this is the second time around that I have had to deal with a wound vac. The first time was not a happy ocassion at all. That thing hurt bad enough I would cry when they would take it off. You learn though to breath through and know that the pain doesn't last long and then you can relax afterwards. I have tried my best to be strong and hold on to my faith and be positive throughout this journey. It's not been easy and today was kinda a blah day but I am still pushing through. I have to take the small victories when they happen and run with them because eventually they turn in to big victories. Peace out Tater Tot

Meet my new best friend part 3

Friday Its another wound care change day. I am suppose to go over to a friends house this evening for pizza. I let them know I have to wait till my home health nurse is here and finished. Again time to get active, use the cross body strap and go for a walk. The itching is still there and again I'm trying my best to ignore it. The afternoon flies by, but I notice when I am in the bathroom there is a couple of red spots on the bottom of my wound under the tape I see them amd hope its blood and not a rash starting. My home health nurse finally gets here at 6. As she is taking the tape off I am having a little pain. Once she is done I notice a lot more spots on my skin and my wound. After we talk bout what we are gonna do and what we should we decide to leave the wound vac off and go back to the wet to dry dressings. She covers the entire wound in a thick layer of Destin. She uses the packing strips to pack the tunnels. I actually notice and show her that it looks like one of my shorter tunnels is actually closing up. That is great news and I decide to look and the last tunnel that popped up is gone as well. We use extra tape to put in places on my belly that hasn't seen much tape in the past month or 2. I had to let my friends know I couldn't make it and we should plan again but only on Tuesday or Thursday and weekends since I have the wound vac. Saturday It was weird sleeping without having the wound vac and listening to it. I was actice today as far as walking but decided I had better just relax this weekend since the drainage is just excessive and with the rash trying to start. Take my shower wash the wound and area. As soon as I am stretched out on the couch I pack the top tunnel. You see, the opening is trying to heal and get smaller. Now I know what you are thinking isn't that what we want? Yes but the tunnel has to heal from the bottom up. If it heals at the top then I still have a tunnel that will have drainage in it and that could cause extra problems, not that we already don't have enough to deal with. So I get that top one done and let my wound get some air and just let it breath for a few hours. Looking at the wound it doesn't look any better than it did yesterday. I clean it with some saline and pack the other tunnels, then I put a layer of Destin on it. I take a pic and send it to a friend. Her response, it looks like you are frosting a cake and a little bit of strawberry filling didn't get covered. That made my day I laughed so hard at that. Just to let y'all know I take pics of my wound on a daily basis and when I have the wound vac as soon as she takes everything off then I get my pic.

Meet my new best friend part 2

Wednesday Oh my gracious please make the itching stop!!! Yes i have done Destin, cortizone 10 creme and rubbing it. The tubing is long, it keeps hitting my leg as I walk, hmmmm gonna have to figure out how to put it in my lovely case so it doesn't trip me. Hang on it's stuck on a cabinet knob, ok we are good now. Man when it gets around a knob it pulls on my stomach. Today is the first day of changing the wound vac. The itching is getting worse and I'm trying to ignore it. I take my meds that will help with the changing of it. Yay, i get to get a shower. I know crazy but you can only take showers on the days you are getting your wound vac changed. There is a process, you first must stop the machine from suctioning then turn off the machine then you make sure your clamps are in place on the tubing. Now make sure to be careful of the tubing thats hanging from your wound (in my case its my belly). If you take a shower on the days they are not changing the tubing out you run the risk of getting water in the tape and the black foam and then it sits there and you have a lot of moisture which creates germs and could cause infection. My home health nurse is here and shes great, I have the very best. She starts taking off tape, and then takes rhe foam out of the tunnels and then cleans it, now time to repack and yes more tape. I should have invested in tape. I feel like I am keeping the medical companies up n running. The top tunnel is my problem child and will cause me pain so why should today be any different. Thursday It's an off day, time to walk and get active. Wait where is the cross body strap, now I see it. The bag even has a place for my phone. The wound vac is easy to keep around as long as you are aware of the tubing and where it's at. This afternoon I'm headed out to whole foods with a couple of friends. Yes my new friend went with me. If people were looking I didn't notice. I did see where I can put the tubing at so it isn't as long and I'm not tripping over it. The itching is just out of control no matter what I do. I hope we figure it out soon. We stop by trader joes and same thing if people are looking I don't notice. Now to a restaurant food is delicious and my friend sits in a chair beside me. Now I'm home trying to sleep but the itching......if I scream do you think that will be ok?

Meet my new best friend

Week 1 Monday at 8 in the morning I get a call, my wound vac has been ordered and will shortly be on the way. By 9:30 the box my new best friend is in is here. Yay me (sarcasm included). By the evening time my home health nurse is here to get me attached to my wound vac. The top tunnel opening is still small so turn the q-tip around and use the stick end to put the white flexible foam in the tunnel. I look down and see all white sticking out of 5 holes, yes thats right 5 holes. There is tape everywhere to protect the new skin, don't want that messed up while trying to heal the tunnels. The black foam goes on and then yep you guessed it even more tape. My belly has already been itching now its doing it worse. Tuesday I had a doc appointment and I get in the car and my new best friend is beside my leg while I drive. My mind is constantly on where the hose is, dont want it to trip me. Wait I have to go to the bathroom, where's my friend? Ok ok i got it. Do you know where to put the wound vac at in a public bathroom? The only place is around your neck or cross it over your shoulder. Im not sticking my friend on the floor in a public bathroom!! Its lunch time and I'm hungry wait lets go to Panara Bread for bagels for breakfast. Hmmmm lets go inside this time to see what they have or if there is anything new. My best friend goes across my shoulders and some of the tubing is down. People walk by and look and some do a second take to see exactly what they are looking at. On a positive note my friend will hold my phone for me!! We are home now and again my mind is constantly on my new friend make sure you take it everywhere. My doc said yes it really is your ball'n chain

Thorns don't have to hurt?

As I go about my days, they are good but there is some tough ones thrown in. I look at the bricks that surround me and realize I think I went down some. Wait a minute the light looks further away. Why? I thought I was doing good. Why can't it be easy like in the beginning? Since I have traveled this road before I understand whats happening. See you do great in the beginning giving you a false sense of hope that it will stay that way. However as you travel up on those thorns you will get knocked down some. While the happiness you are feeling is slipping away, those old feelings of unworthiness, not good enough, well you get the picture. Anyways as those feeling start to come back now the real fun begins. It took me awhile to learn that even though I "loved" the instant gratification and the rush it wasnt lasting. The more I partook of the acts that lead to the rush the more I needed. I had to learn to love myself. I had to learn to like myself. I had to learn to encourage myself. I had to learn to be ok with who I am, but I had to learn who I was first. It was time to put the old away.  Now it's time to dig deep. it's time to get to the real issues and turn it around. Now lets get to why we feel the way we do. Why we do the things we do. We already know why we cut, snort, smoke, hit, sexual acts to get that adrenaline rush. That high that doesnt let you feel anything. So now I must learn why I do the things I do. It doesnt matter that I love the rush. It doesnt matter that I crave that rush. It's a moment of instant gratification that once This time I am not sure what happened to land me in the well back where I had second skin as a comfort but I also knew it was time to head back towards the light. This time its a bit harder than the first. This time though I have to fight a little harder, I have to work a little harder to get back to the light. So the thorns dont have to always hurt but you don't want them to stick around. You do not want to get comfortable with thorns. Their main purpose is to pierce the skin, so now lets use them to get higher up the well...

Thorns are strong

Wait a minute, these bricks look different. I see more light. What in the world is going on? I mean come on, I did a small step, I reached out and asked for help. I sent a simple text, I need a counseling session, essentially saying I need help. I look down and realize that the bottom isn't as close as it once was. I look up and amazed that I see more light. Could it really be this easy? Some would say it's a small step, others will say it's a huge step. Maybe just maybe it's a small step with huge ramifications. At this point though I dont really care bout it being a huge or small step. I am just tired of being in this hole while the thorns are holding me up. In the beginning they didn't hurt, they didnt poke however the longer I am with the thorns, I am starting to feel them. Its time. You can't just reach out to anyone, you have to be able to trust them, you have to feel safe with them. You have to know who will help even though everyone says they will but yet you know they can't. You have to pick someone that you know will give it to straight even if it hurts even if its uncomfortable. You reach out anyways!!! I am in the middle of my well, the thorns have helped since they are so strong. I am finally getting somewhere, I am finally going up. Its hard but not as hard as being down where I was before. This time though I know what I have to do to make it out, to make it to the light. I got this, or do I? Don't give up!!!! Reach out I promise its worth it. If you ever need me reach out, I will help if I can. Next up Vines are stronger