Temptation June 17, 2014

Temptation just the word can make your mouth water - it's everywhere - it's in the sweet stuff you shouldn't be eating - it's in the sodas you shouldn't be drinking - it's in the fried food you should be walking away from - temptation is so much more than that cake, pie or candy bar temptation is that good looking guy or woman that you talk to - but it's more than talking, it's the way you stand a lil too close or the way you touch them causally, maybe it's the fact that your heart skips a beat when they come around - that's temptation because you know it could lead you down that path - the path that if you cross that line it changes you forever - temptation can lead you down a path that it's hard as hell to come back from - temptation is that drink that you shouldn't drink but yet it makes you feel alive - it makes you feel like you can conquer the world - that drink leads you to believe you have no problems - that drink will lead you down temptation road and before you know it you can't get off that road - temptation is that blade that as you slice the skin it brings your endorphins raging through and you can forget the world - it makes you believe you have no problems - that blade slices the skin and it makes you whole - it makes you feel things that you believe is truth - using a blade like that will lead you down temptation road very quickly temptation comes in the form of sex - oh yes this temptation is the trickiest of all - temptation like this makes you grin - it makes you feel special n loved - temptation in the form of sex is a road that is extremely hard to get off of - this temptation will and can lead you down other tempting roads like alcohol and drugs - temptation road called sex is a temptation that can cause you to have ramifications that you didn't think possible or didn't think it could happen to you - before you realize it you have travelled very far down the temptation road of sex - you cross that line with this temptation and you find yourself being a totally different person - it changes you for life if you live in the world more than likely you have succumb to at least one of these temptations - you got your first lick or taste and you were hooked - many people think temptation road is a struggle but it's not - the real struggle happens when you finally get help and stop the temptation - you are on the road to recovery and something happens and before you realize it temptation is staring at you - you remember what it felt like - the temptation is a trigger it sets off your memory lane and that's when the struggle comes  in - you have to resist - you have to be strong enough to say no and walk away - others can dip their hand or foot on temptation road and not get hooked but you - you realize how easy it would be to just give in - you resist and start walking down another road and temptation is walking around you - it's calling your name in that sweet voice that you remember - temptation is there to give you what you want even though it's just temporary - but who cares it's temptation - you resist because you realize how long it took you to break free - but temptation comes around a little more - temptation comes by - it's telling you letting you know how you use to feel - this is where the struggle is even harder to deal with - you just resist because unlike others you just can't dip a foot or touch lightly the road of temptation - if you touch or dip on the road to temptation you will get sucked in way faster than anybody else - so you must be diligent - you must resist - you must be strong -

Busyness? Yes and/or No?

Some people will say you shouldn't have a busy mind, while others will say it's ok. I say both is correct at least for me. A very good friend mentioned that at times he has to have a busy mind and I knew exactly what he was talking bout. For years, like many years I had a busy mind. Always helping someone, always thinking bout how to help others and who to help next. It kept the inner most thoughts at bay. It kept the demons at bay even though they were just below the surface ready to strike at any given time. My thoughts were always negative and never good about myself. My thoughts were always on ways to leave this crazy world behind. It took me going to therapy to fully understand that by having a busy mind I was ignoring my own issues, it was a coping mechanism. It took me finally opening up to someone bout my inner most thoughts to be free. See, when I tried to open up before people wouldn't take me serious, they would laugh or even make jokes. This lead to even more thoughts of how to get out of this world. If those people couldn't take me serious, then why am I even here? So I kept a busy mind until therapy. I was "forced" (I use that term loosely) to look at my thoughts. To dissect them and deal with them. Midway through therapy I started learning bout quieting my mind. I started to appreciate the quietness of my mind. I could then start going over my thoughts and tossing out the ones that didn't belong or even fit. You know the ones I'm talking bout, the minute they enter your brain you feel uncomfortable, that's how you know they don't belong. Then I learned bout when to have a busy mind and when not to. Some days I needed and still need a busy mind. It keeps the ugly thoughts at bay until I can deal with thrm. A busy mind will keep those negative thoughts tucked away. A busy mind is sometimes a blessing as long as you are using it for the good of your soul and mental health. A busy mind is good as long as you recognize that you are not ignoring your own thoughts. Today stop and ponder on that for a minute or 2. For me today is a quiet mind kinda day, I am tired so therefore a quiet mind is a must. I have learned that when I am tired I get a busy mind and the thoughts are never good. When I am tired I do not have the strength to fight the busy mind..... Till next time my friends

Just because

I like words. I dont or didnt like English in school but I have found I like words and I love to write. No I dont really know the proper structure for a sentence. I'm sure I use a period where a comma should be and vice versa. I know I have run on sentences. For me it's just getting the words out of my head. For me it's sharing those words in the hopes that someone will get something from them or they stick with them. Words are such a part of everyday life, even if you are deaf, you sign. Which by the way I would love to learn. I started a blog because I have so many words in my head, in my heart that I feel I need to share with the world. I want to talk bout the things most people don't talk bout. I want to share my thoughts or most of them. I want you as a reader to connect, to think about what you are reading. I want you as a reader to realize you are not alone, that there is soneone out in this great big world who thinks like you, or who has been through something similar or even worse. I want you as a reader to just know someone out there gets it. I know I should write more and if I would quit procrastinating then I would write more. I have so much to share. On the flipside to that I am a bit apprehensive about sharing things. I get concerned I will hurt someones feelings, yes I shouldnt worry but yet I do. There is such a strong need to share the words in my head and my heart with you as a reader. I have always said I can write it better than I can say it. So now it really is time to stop procrastinating and write more...... Peace out tater tot......

Wait, do you like me?

 

I look in the mirror and do not recognize the woman who stares back at me. Hello my name is Melissa and its so very nice to meet ya. Don't look confused, it's really me. Yes you can stare it's ok.

See way back when I couldn't look people in the eyes while talking to them. Shoot I couldn't even look at myself in the eyes while standing in front of a mirror. When I was in counseling, I would sit in this colorful chair and stare out the window while talking to David. He picked up quickly that if you wanted me to talk, then let me look out the big window and we could talk all day. He even threatened to close the blinds if I didn't start talking, that's how much I would look out the windows. Anything to avoid looking directly at you.

It didn't help matters that I was shy. It didn't help that I didn't know how to meet people. It didn't help that I didn't really know who I was. It really didn't help that I had to figure out all this stuff on my own. I use to help people because I wanted them to like me. I use to go where ever others wanted just so I could tag along and belong. I had to learn how to go out by myself including going to a restaurant and eat alone. I had to do this so I could learn who I was, who I am. With therapy I learned who I was. In therapy I learned I am not my past, or my parents baggage. In therapy I learned I am not who others tried to make me.

I have learned that I absolutely love to help others, it makes my heart happy. I love to read, I have a gift for writing. I love to cook but only when the mood hits. I have also learned I don't really care for shallow conversations, I will do them because it's necassary but give me a deep conversation any day. There are times I catch myself wanting to do something just to fit in and then I have to stop myself and ask why am I doing this? Usually that only happens at a low point in my life, don't worry I get over it quickly.

I have learned I am a perfectionist, if I do something then I want to get it right the first time. If I feel like I will not get it right then I don't attempt to start it. Maybe I should work on that. I don't like failure in myself. Although if I see others struggling then I go encourage them. I am really great at that!!

In the beginning I really thought I liked myself and I learned I only liked myself very little. Now, well most days I love me. Most days I am happy with me. Like most women there are days I don't like me but they are few n far between. I love learning new things and love learning myself (but only if I can get it right the first time). I love music, it will help any mood I am in. I love puzzles and quiet time. I love the new me.....

Alphabet Soup

 

Words are a part of your everyday life, whether silent, soft or loud. Words can set your mood for the day, they can even set someone's else day up as well. Angry words in the morning and you're in a bad mood all day. Happy words in the morning will have you having a great day all day. Thought provoking words in the morning will have you thinking on said words.

Words are used to destroy others

Words are used to uplift others

Words are used to manipulate others

Words are used to encourage others

Words can and will impact your future

Words said in anger will never go away. You can not take them back. Words said with regret you can't undo. Words are dangerous for they can change someone in an instant. You must be careful with your words. When talking to someone you don't know what words have been spoken to them in the past and you may unknowingly put more pressure on them. Words from the past will stay with you.

We are all different, we all receive words different. If you came from an unhappy home it's hard to hear good words. If you came from a happy home then you have a hard time hearing negative words. If you come from a broken home then you have no clue as to have good communication in a relationship. Sometimes you are in a great relationship and he/she says something that makes you doubt everything.

What is said to you as a child sets up future relationships. The less words are spoken also sets up a child in their relationships. We all have role models, we all have parents/guardians. As a child I didn't have a good foundation for communication. Now as an adult I struggle with my communication skills. I feel like I don't know how to have conversations. Strange I know because if you are reading this then you may have read my other posts. I love to write. Give me pen n paper and I can "talk" all day. Ask me to go meet someone for the first time and I get so nervous that either my words come out jumbled up or I look like a complete idiot and sometimes it's both.

As a child I heard words and words were spoken to me. Same thing for my teenage years and young adult years. I didn't really ever hear positive words or if they were said then they were few and far between. When I started therapy I knew I was gonna have to talk but it was like how bout I just give you writings and we can be done. I did learn as the days went by to talk to him and her but it wasnt easy. I still struggle with words, I forget to ask people bout their kids, how they themselves are doing. I forget to ask bout an appointment that you had. It's not intentional. It doesn't mean I don't care I just forget.

Words so are very important today. Please if you have young kids speak life, speak positive. Help them have the communication skills they will need later in life. If you are in a relationship then be careful with your words. Don't be afraid to say I love you. Don't be afraid to apologize. Don't be afraid to say if someone hurt you. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love what they are wearing, or the hair, earrings, shoes, well you get the picture.

In this crazy world we live in, we all hear enough negative to last us a lifetime. It's time to start building each other up with encouraging words.

Today tell someone that you like what they are wearing or whatever you like bout them. It may seem strange and scary at first but once you do it enough it will get easier, until then

Thank you for reading this and I hope I made you smile

Just suck it up and deal....

 The sun is shining. I love sunny days. When I was first seeing my therapist I really really loved having sunny days. I could sit in my chair and look at the blue skies. Yeah I know I should have been looking at my therapist but......

In the beginning I couldn't look at him. On the very first visit I sat in the chair closes to the door so I could bolt if I needed to. I tried to go in with no expectations. I honestly didn't have a clue as to what to expect or what to do.

I know that what you see on TV, the sterotypical client lays on a couch and the therapist asks you questions bout how you feel about whatever is going on. In saying that I am sure I could have laid down on the couch in his office but somehow that didnt feel right. I did learn that you sit how you want in the sense of what you are most comfortable with.

That first day, I was a bundle of nerves. Yes I wanted to bolt, not run but flee as fast as I could out the door. He asked me what 3 things were the worst for me. I told him and then he asked which is worse out of the 3. I told him and then he said the dreaded words of thats where we will start first. At the time my top 3 were family, (chilhood) work and church. He told me that usually if one of those are worse then it affects the other 2 areas and boy was he right.

We started with childhood but that first day he kinda let me ramble or rather do rabbit trails. It was a kinda get to know ya and see how you react. He would always tell me that it was a safe zone. Another words anything I said would be only between him and me. I was skeptical and didn't trust it. I mean do you really want me to tell you my deepest darkest secrets?? Yes he did but he also knew I needed to learn to trust him enough to tell him.

See for you folks who are thinking of going to therapy. Trust doesnt happen on day 1 or for that matter day 36, (at least for me it didnt) BUT it does happen. Once you realize you can tell your therapist your deepest darkest secrets like I did then you find out its not so bad to deal with this crazy thing we call life. Will you find the right therapist the first trip? Maybe - maybe not. I know I did, BUT I also know not everyone does.

Your first visit will be scary and nerve-racking. You will want to cancel it, or better yet just not even show up. I once asked David how many people really do get help and change, he said only about 30% of people really want to change. I sat and thought bout it and after eveything I have been through I can understand why that number is so low.

Most people want to change or deal with their baggage but then they realize how much work it actually takes to change/deal and they decide to stay where they are. Yes I know therapy costs money and some don't have it. I get that!! I learned from David that it's easier to stay where you are at because it's comfortable and safe. You know what to do, you know what to say and most of all you know what to expect. To change that means going into unfamiliar territory. You do not know what's gonna happen, what to expect or even say.

My biggest thing was, will people like the new me? Will they be ok with a new me? What will they expect out of me? Wait.......will I even like the new me, the healed me?

As a close friend just told me

I had to suck it up and deal with it....

“No title needed”

 I am an advocate for therapy. Doesn’t matter what you call them, counselor, therapist, psychiatrist they are there to help. Some are great for pushing pills while others are there to talk and listen to help ya. There is all kinds of therapy to help the individual as long as you are willing to do your part, your best to change and make those changes happen.

I was one of those people who didn’t think I would ever need a counselor. I was one of those people who thought therapy can not help me. I wasn’t against it, just never gave it thought. I mean seriously you want me to sit down and talk to a stranger who doesn’t know me and tell them my deepest darkest secrets?  (I can hear David laughing as I say this)

In 2012 I saw my first ever counselor. I decided to talk to a male therapist since I had such a hard time talking to females at that time. I know strange but it was me. I had decided that if I was gonna do this then I was going to do this right. I went in with no expectations. I went in really not knowing what to expect while I was there. I went in and seriously thought well I will tell him my troubles, my issues and I will be “fixed” in a couple weeks. Oh my that is just so funny now to think back to my first visit. 

I figured if I could just tell him what my issues were that we would discuss, he would give me solutions and I could carry on with my life. I learned that I had to make therapy a part of my life. I had to figure out how to blend it in with my life, my everyday life. It was about making it work. It was about dealing with all my baggage and coming up with ways to deal with the suicidal thoughts, the negativity, the horrible body image I had of myself. The low self esteem, the low to no self love, no self confidence. I didn’t know who I was and it was finally time to figure it out. 

It was not easy and at times I wanted to give up. I wanted to be done. I wanted to never discuss certain issues and thoughts. I wanted to “pretend” those issues did not exist. The deeper we got the worse the thoughts got. Now it was really in my face about my lack of....... now I really didn’t want to deal and even deal with life. A really good friend talked to me and he made a statement to me that has gotten me through so much since he said it to me. I still use that statement today. He told me look how far you have come, you didn’t think you would make it this far and look how far you have come from last year or last incident. 

Today there is more talk about it being okay to get help while still having a stigma on it. Social media is coming out with all kinds of people saying to get help and how they got help and you should as well. I agree. It’s time to take the stigma off of therapy. It’s time people understood that it’s there to help you have a better life, a better relationship with those around you. We have friends and family who look at us and make joking comments about going to see a psychiatrist or even tell us how “dumb” it is. Really any version of making jokes to us bout seeing a counselor. Telling us how they would never and they don’t need one. 

While it is good to have your opinion, you have no idea what it does to us. We are already scared, nervous about going and then to listen to our closest friends or even family members make jokes. Well, it makes it even harder for us to reach out and ask for help let alone go and get the help that we would need. 

I urge you, if you are having suicidal thoughts GET HELP!!!! There is someone out there who would be more than willing to talk to you, to talk you off the ledge and make it back to living. I know it seems impossible with all that surrounds you, all the ugly, the bad and the horrible but I PROMISE you there is someone out who wants to help you. There is someone out there who wants to see you make it. There is someone who wants you to get back to living your life.  

If you are struggling with childhood issues, low self esteem, low self confidence, don’t know who you are, believe me when I tell you there is someone out there who wants you to have the very best. There is someone out there who wants you to have those things. There is someone out there who wants to help......... reach out...... 

I leave you with this 

No matter how dark it gets, someone is fighting for you to make it

No matter how low your body image is someone is fighting for you to have a better outlook of yourself

No matter how messed up you think you are there is someone fighting for you to be happy and free.....

Hush-hush takes a stand

 So this one may be a little harder to write but lets see what we can do. Body image is so important to people in this day n age. If you dont look a certain way you get picked on. If you don't know how to talk well you get picked on. If you dont wear the right clothes you get picked on. Its sad but yet so true.

It took me the longest time to start liking myself and not really caring what others thought. I still have my not so great days but they dont last. It took me going to therapy to understand about self respect, self worth and self love. I was trying to learn this stuff at an older age which as you know didnt go so well in the beginning.

I had to learn if I want others to like me then I must first like myself. If I want others to respect me then I must first respect myself. If I wanted others to value me then I must first learn to value myself.

This process was not easy to say the least. It took me learning what love is, and today I still question it but its better than before. I had to talk bout why I did the things I did, not just talk but explain them. Ya know get to the root. All the things I did acholol, sex, driving, money, initating things just to get someone to like me. It was a cover-up because I didnt love myself and I didnt know how.

I am learning that people will always give you the bad things, and thats ok they are allowed. Its up to me if I want to take on what they say and then change me. The problem is once I change one thing then I find myself changing eveything else just to fit that image they have of you. I did that for the longest time and fought hard to get to point in my life where they may say these things doesnt mean I have to take it on. I appreciate that you are that comfortable with me to say those things to me.

You need to understand that while you want to change the things that others say you should, you have now stopped being you and just lost who you are. Change the things you can and learn to love the things you can not change. My therapist would be very happy with me with my latest statement because I didnt love me, i didnt even like me but yet I didnt know me. I still have my days where I dont like me and thats ok. I have other days where i love me and it shows in my smile, laughter and walk. It shows when I talk with others. Then there are other days where I dont evem think bout it.

We as women need to do a better job of lifting others up. We as women need to learn that while you may be good at thing and not so great at another its ok. The knowledge you gave could really help others. Ladies quit holding back. Ladies help those around you reach their potential, who knows you may even help yourself in the process.

This one took me longer to write as there was some medical issues that came up. I will try to do better next time......

Pain Level 0-10

 So explain to me how do you really measure pain? Is it really that simple that you give a number and the doctors n nurses adjust and react? How do they know that a 10 for you is a 5 for me? How do they know a 10 for you is really a 1 for someone else? How do you know you are telling them the right number? Do you tell them an 8 when its really a 15? Can you go over 10?

Pain can hide a lot of things but it can also tell you a lot about yourself and your body. Pain drowns out the noise. Pain is something that everyone has felt at least once in there life. Then you have others who have to deal with pain on a daily basis. You have some who cant handle pain at all and thats ok, you dont have to. Others deal with pain and you never knew they were/are in pain. You also have those ones who use the pain as a way to get attention. Those people......well anywho

There is all kinds of pain, there is pleasure in pain. Tattoo pain. Piercing pain. Achy pain. Sharp pain. Dull pain. Crampy pain. Unexplainable pain. Heart pain. Soul pain. Self-inflicted pain. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN Arrrrgggggghhhhhh

Pain is something that I have dealt with all my life. I have tattoos and piercings and want more of each. I have a rare diesease that causes pain and dealt with cancer. I have dealt with so much pain that at one time I ask God if He would just go ahead and take me I couldnt deal anymore. Well as you can see He didnt take me as I am still here😉. And still dealing with pain.

My brother would hit me when I was younger and when I asked why he did that, he told me that it was to make me stronger. I told my mother and my mother said just hit him back. Now imagine a little blond hair blue eyed girl and a taller huskier brother. There was no way I was going to be able to hit him and make it hurt, no way.   I was confused and baffled at the time when he answered me. Now I will say thank you!! I was going to say my brother taught me to take the pain but I think it was my mother because she never took up for me. That story is for another day......

So pain has been a part of my life for so long that when I dont have pain I am not sure how to act. There for quite a few years I didnt have pain except for the occasional getting older pains of life. You know the knees, the feet and the body pains of getting older.

In the words of a close friend

"Its gonna be painful to write"

This one took me a minute because of the memory from childhood. I will definitely get more in to that one on a later story...... For now take some Tylenol and call me in the morning if the pain persists....... 

Also please use the chart below to deteemine your pain

😁😁😄😃😀😥😢😩😫🤕

Hush-hush gets a voice

Today in our world we are told to not body shame. Today we are told that it is not cool to pick on, judge, degrade other females because in doing so it will make them feel less. It will make females feel like they will never measure up. In todays world we are bombarded with models and celebrities, along with fitness everywhere you look. At times it is difficult to not feel less than...

As a child you dont know how to have self respect or self worth. It is up to your parents, guardian's to cultivate and nourish it to grow. My parents did not do that. I am even gonna go out on a limb and say they probably didn't know how. I was left to my own devices and learn how to do that all by myself EXCEPT, I didn't know how.

I spent my early years just trying my hardest to just get my mother to love me. I did everything I could to get her to accept me, to love me, to just want to be around me. I spent my teenage years still trying but now throw in hormones and puberty. Now what?

By the time that all hit, I didn't know me, didn't think I was worth anything, didn't think I was beautiful. Don't get me wrong I'm still not beautiful but...... Anyways, I spent all my time trying to get those around me to like me, and that's when it started I didn't have any self worth and absolutely no self respect.

Getting in to my adult years and it just seem to get worse but yet I didnt know. I didnt know how to stop it. When one thing didnt work or quit working I would try something else. To me, when someone would show me attention, whether it be physical, sexual or even emotional I thought I was accepted. I thought I was loved. I thought I was finally good enough.

The only thing all that did was give me more baggage and left the deficient worse than ever. It was a hole that I didn't think I could ever climb out of. It was with the help of my counselors and some serious writing that I finally understood and began the journey of learning to have self respect, self worth and most important self love......

It's not so hush-hush in my head

 Its easier in my head than what it use to be. To go back and let you in on what was in my head, I have to go back to those thoughts, those feelings. I have to make sure I can handle going back and still be ok. Today its definitely not as bad as it use to be but I still have to self check. Today I can usually get myself back from the brink but only because I have dealt, process and learned the truth.

Once you deal with depression, suicidial thoughts, lack of respect for self and low to no self worth, you realize how precious it is to protect your mind. Contrary to what people saw, I didnt have a normal childhood. I grew up wondering if my mother loved me. I grew up wondering what I did wrong and what did I have to do to be loved and accepted. I would often look at my siblings and think I sure wish I could be like them to get the love and acceptance that I thought they had.

To grow up like that, well as you can tell it was a a breeding ground for all kinds of bad thoughts. I grew to become a woman who would do anything to be liked let alone to be loved. The crazy stufff I did to be accepted, I didnt know how to be me. I didnt know who I was. I thought I had to prove myself time after time, just to get someone to like me. I did things....well i did things just to be loved.

I wasnt good enough. I wasnt good enough to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a lover, a partner. I just wasnt good enough no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did. I'm not sure when the negative thoughts started. As a child I would ask God if He could send my real mom because who was there couldnt be it. I remember thinking if I could just say the right words or do the rights things then it could be better. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for a lifetime of negativity and epic falls.

To the world and friends I put a smile on and had a great time. In my mind and in my room I took the smile off. My mind was second skin. It was comfortable to me, I knew what to do and what to expect at least then I did. If someone didn't talk to me, then they were mad at me. If someone didnt invite me then I wasnt good enough. If someone was distracted talking to me then I wasnt important enough. If someone didn't talk to me then it was up to me to make it right, I just knew I had done something wrong. I had to do everything I could, say the right words and then people, my friends, co-workers would like me.

It wasnt until therapy that I realized just how wrong all that was. My mind became a minefield of toxic explosives ready to suck me back in. I didnt know who I was or how to just be me. Every time I would make progress then I would step on a landmine. Usually someone had a bad day and didnt feel like talking, I would go right back to what my thought process was, except this time I would stay but not as long.

We had to go over the second skin thoughts we had to retrain my brain to understand. We had to take it a thought at a time and destroy it. I love to write so I wrote a 6 page letter on exactly what I thought of myself. It was completely filled with all negative. My counselor asked me to do a positive one and then made the comment I bet I dont even get one page. He was right of course, at that time I couldnt even do a full page of positive.

I tell you these things because you may think its hard or you couldn't do it but yet I know you can as long as you are willing to put in the time, the tears, the energy and the focus. I had help along the way with a counselor and very close friends. My counselor wanted me to ask my friends to write down 3 things they love/like about Melissa. I ended up with about 6 people doing it and they did more than 3. At that time I could believe some of what they said and the other things they said, well in my mind they wrote it because they had to or because someone else was going to read it so they had better make it good. Now I can tell you I do beleive what they wrote.

It took me a while to realize that no matter what others said good or bad, I would believe what I believe until my mind could think different. It took me a while to realize if I just start believing the good and believing in the good then it would be easier. Nowadays if I slip, I dont stay long in second skin. Its like uncomfortable, it doesnt fit me, it just feels weird. To do this writing and a few more I am just visiting that place........

Things dont really have to be hush-hush

 Going to see a counselor is not something most people talk about. Seeing a therapist isnt something people do. Going to go sit for an hour and talk to a stranger, well thats just not what you are suppose to do.

Granted there are therapist, counselors out there that just want to prescribe you meds and be done. Those types will not do you much good at healing your heart and your mind.

I had to see a counselor to get my mind in a healthy place. I had to see a counselor to get the thoughts straight in my head. I had to see a counselor to validate that what I was feeling was okay, that what I grew up with caused my mind to not be a healthy place. Suicide, negativity, poor decisions, shame, low self esteem, no self worth well you get the picture! Those are just some of the things I had to deal with in order to get healthy.

I didn't list regret because to do so would be to change who I am and while I may not be ok with all my decisions but the results did make me who I am today. I cringe at some of my decisions and not taking enough chances.

My decisions were based off of childhood tapes being played in my head on a continuous loop. I didnt have a clear understanding of just how much that tape had played in my decisions. I had no real clue as to how much it affected my life. It wasnt until I was sitting in front of a stranger to talk bout what was in my head for me to understand the magnitude of just what my childhood had done to me.

In the next few posts you will read bout how I had to overcome depression, shame, no self worth. You will see how I came to love myself and learn about self respect. You will get to see how much I have changed to become the somewhat healthy woman most people see today. I didn't do this alone, I had help from God, a couple of counselors and close friends

Why do things have to be hush-hush?

 Life is funny at times. When you have conversations with friends, it's different than when you talk to co-workers or even families. Then there is the conversations you have with your closes friend. So let me ask you a question, is everything on the table when you talk or do you just go to the line? Do you watch your words? Do you listen to hear or to speak back? Is any subject up for discussion?

I use to be one of those people who just listened, but I did listen so that I could help if I could. I use to be one of those people who would not discuss what was going on in my head, it was too scary at the time. I use to be one of those people that you just wasnt for sure bout what was going on, I was always helping others and being too active until there wasn't a choice but to confront what was in my head.

It was not easy getting help in the beginning, it wasnt easy to open up and talk bout what was in my head or maybe my heart of hearts. To allow someone to know my deepest pain. To allow someone to see the pain, the frustration was too much for me. No one ever listened before. No one ever took me seriously when I would talk bout what was in my heart and then I was expected to open up and talk? How?

How do I......

 How do I let you in when I myself just got in not long ago?

How do I let you in when I really dont let anyone in?

How do I let you in the pains for emotional abuse?

How do I let you in on the healing of it?

How do I let you in on sexual manipulation when I am still trying to wrap my head around it?

How do I let you in when I finally realize its not my fault even though I participated?

How do I let you in on the lack of love in my life?

How do I let you in when I am trying to still understand it myself?

How do I write to you so you can see a glimpse of the pain, heartache, and finally peace of dealing with all that and so much more?