It's not so hush-hush in my head

 Its easier in my head than what it use to be. To go back and let you in on what was in my head, I have to go back to those thoughts, those feelings. I have to make sure I can handle going back and still be ok. Today its definitely not as bad as it use to be but I still have to self check. Today I can usually get myself back from the brink but only because I have dealt, process and learned the truth.

Once you deal with depression, suicidial thoughts, lack of respect for self and low to no self worth, you realize how precious it is to protect your mind. Contrary to what people saw, I didnt have a normal childhood. I grew up wondering if my mother loved me. I grew up wondering what I did wrong and what did I have to do to be loved and accepted. I would often look at my siblings and think I sure wish I could be like them to get the love and acceptance that I thought they had.

To grow up like that, well as you can tell it was a a breeding ground for all kinds of bad thoughts. I grew to become a woman who would do anything to be liked let alone to be loved. The crazy stufff I did to be accepted, I didnt know how to be me. I didnt know who I was. I thought I had to prove myself time after time, just to get someone to like me. I did things....well i did things just to be loved.

I wasnt good enough. I wasnt good enough to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a lover, a partner. I just wasnt good enough no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did. I'm not sure when the negative thoughts started. As a child I would ask God if He could send my real mom because who was there couldnt be it. I remember thinking if I could just say the right words or do the rights things then it could be better. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for a lifetime of negativity and epic falls.

To the world and friends I put a smile on and had a great time. In my mind and in my room I took the smile off. My mind was second skin. It was comfortable to me, I knew what to do and what to expect at least then I did. If someone didn't talk to me, then they were mad at me. If someone didnt invite me then I wasnt good enough. If someone was distracted talking to me then I wasnt important enough. If someone didn't talk to me then it was up to me to make it right, I just knew I had done something wrong. I had to do everything I could, say the right words and then people, my friends, co-workers would like me.

It wasnt until therapy that I realized just how wrong all that was. My mind became a minefield of toxic explosives ready to suck me back in. I didnt know who I was or how to just be me. Every time I would make progress then I would step on a landmine. Usually someone had a bad day and didnt feel like talking, I would go right back to what my thought process was, except this time I would stay but not as long.

We had to go over the second skin thoughts we had to retrain my brain to understand. We had to take it a thought at a time and destroy it. I love to write so I wrote a 6 page letter on exactly what I thought of myself. It was completely filled with all negative. My counselor asked me to do a positive one and then made the comment I bet I dont even get one page. He was right of course, at that time I couldnt even do a full page of positive.

I tell you these things because you may think its hard or you couldn't do it but yet I know you can as long as you are willing to put in the time, the tears, the energy and the focus. I had help along the way with a counselor and very close friends. My counselor wanted me to ask my friends to write down 3 things they love/like about Melissa. I ended up with about 6 people doing it and they did more than 3. At that time I could believe some of what they said and the other things they said, well in my mind they wrote it because they had to or because someone else was going to read it so they had better make it good. Now I can tell you I do beleive what they wrote.

It took me a while to realize that no matter what others said good or bad, I would believe what I believe until my mind could think different. It took me a while to realize if I just start believing the good and believing in the good then it would be easier. Nowadays if I slip, I dont stay long in second skin. Its like uncomfortable, it doesnt fit me, it just feels weird. To do this writing and a few more I am just visiting that place........