Years

To many years of survival has me different than others around me. When you are in survival mode you keep your words light, you don't ask questions. You learn to be watchful, you learn to pay attention. You learn to be observant. I didn't want people asking me questions so I never asked questions. I didn't learn how to communicate well or properly when I was younger. I was quiet. I didnt have a choice.  I was shuffled to the side. Nobody asked me what I felt or thought, they told me how I was feeling or what to think. In high school I remember being on the bus and a neighborhood kid asked me if I was kin to William. So William was my next door neighbor. He is older than I by a few years and his sister and I was best friends growing up. I spent time at their house but in no way were we kin to each other. The fella who asked me knew we weren't along with the others who laughed at me. I said yes. They laughed. I had no clue as to the definition of that word. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be accepted. I was naive to say the least. Too many years of people not asking or explaining things to me left me with no way to properly communicate to others. I am sure there are others in this world like me who feel left out, who are just trying there best to talk to others. I am sure there are others out there that would love for someone to understand and help. The crazy thing is how does someone really help with that? I always did my best to help others, to push, to get them going on the right path. When others would ask, I would try but always felt like and still at times feel like I am dumb or my thoughts don't make sense. That what I am about to say will be laughed at, or someone somewhere will make fun of me. Its a vicious cycle to say the least. You want someone to talk to you but yet you don't. You want someone to help but yet you haven't the slightest clue as to tell them how. Some days its easier than others. I am learning to take it a day at a time and just be. On those difficult days when communication skills elude me and I go back to being that scared, naive teenager I go inside myself for the day and learn to be ok. Tomorrow is another day and will be better. For me I write, I take all my thoughts abd put them on paper. It seems easier to deal that way. It seems easier to understand. It seems a little less to carry. If you like to write then I suggest you when you have days like I do to write. If you don't write, then get in your car, a room or a field and shout out what is in your head. It's easier to move forward, your load isn't as heavy. If you have found a person that will listen and not make fun of you talk to them. Keeping it in continues the vicious cycle.... Tomorrow will look better

Outsource

We outsource a lot of things jobs, tech support, our emotions, self..... Well you get the picture. In this crazy world we are bombarded especially during this month about love, relationships and the perfect gift for your loved one. If you do not love yourself then you will find it by outsourcing yourself. You will be going to everyone else to find the love that you so desire. You will look for it in sex, hoping that this time it's love. You will outsource it with friends and strangers hoping to find the one who will love you no matter what. If you don't like yourself you are going to do everything you can just to get someone to like you and yet you don't like you. You will end up doing things for others hoping that they will like you and just keep you around. You will not tell them no, you will jump at the chance to help because then they will like you. There comes a point that you must STOP. There comes a point when you realize you are not happy. There comes a turning point in your life that makes you stop and realize that if you learn to love self, like self then others will be able to do the same. It's work. It's hard work but it can be done. You might lose some people along the way and that's okay. They were there at the exact time they were suppose to be to help that part of your journey. You will gain new people in your life, they may stay a short time or a long time. No matter what at the end of the day you have learned to love self and even like self.

Temptation June 17, 2014

Temptation just the word can make your mouth water - it's everywhere - it's in the sweet stuff you shouldn't be eating - it's in the sodas you shouldn't be drinking - it's in the fried food you should be walking away from - temptation is so much more than that cake, pie or candy bar temptation is that good looking guy or woman that you talk to - but it's more than talking, it's the way you stand a lil too close or the way you touch them causally, maybe it's the fact that your heart skips a beat when they come around - that's temptation because you know it could lead you down that path - the path that if you cross that line it changes you forever - temptation can lead you down a path that it's hard as hell to come back from - temptation is that drink that you shouldn't drink but yet it makes you feel alive - it makes you feel like you can conquer the world - that drink leads you to believe you have no problems - that drink will lead you down temptation road and before you know it you can't get off that road - temptation is that blade that as you slice the skin it brings your endorphins raging through and you can forget the world - it makes you believe you have no problems - that blade slices the skin and it makes you whole - it makes you feel things that you believe is truth - using a blade like that will lead you down temptation road very quickly temptation comes in the form of sex - oh yes this temptation is the trickiest of all - temptation like this makes you grin - it makes you feel special n loved - temptation in the form of sex is a road that is extremely hard to get off of - this temptation will and can lead you down other tempting roads like alcohol and drugs - temptation road called sex is a temptation that can cause you to have ramifications that you didn't think possible or didn't think it could happen to you - before you realize it you have travelled very far down the temptation road of sex - you cross that line with this temptation and you find yourself being a totally different person - it changes you for life if you live in the world more than likely you have succumb to at least one of these temptations - you got your first lick or taste and you were hooked - many people think temptation road is a struggle but it's not - the real struggle happens when you finally get help and stop the temptation - you are on the road to recovery and something happens and before you realize it temptation is staring at you - you remember what it felt like - the temptation is a trigger it sets off your memory lane and that's when the struggle comes  in - you have to resist - you have to be strong enough to say no and walk away - others can dip their hand or foot on temptation road and not get hooked but you - you realize how easy it would be to just give in - you resist and start walking down another road and temptation is walking around you - it's calling your name in that sweet voice that you remember - temptation is there to give you what you want even though it's just temporary - but who cares it's temptation - you resist because you realize how long it took you to break free - but temptation comes around a little more - temptation comes by - it's telling you letting you know how you use to feel - this is where the struggle is even harder to deal with - you just resist because unlike others you just can't dip a foot or touch lightly the road of temptation - if you touch or dip on the road to temptation you will get sucked in way faster than anybody else - so you must be diligent - you must resist - you must be strong -

Busyness? Yes and/or No?

Some people will say you shouldn't have a busy mind, while others will say it's ok. I say both is correct at least for me. A very good friend mentioned that at times he has to have a busy mind and I knew exactly what he was talking bout. For years, like many years I had a busy mind. Always helping someone, always thinking bout how to help others and who to help next. It kept the inner most thoughts at bay. It kept the demons at bay even though they were just below the surface ready to strike at any given time. My thoughts were always negative and never good about myself. My thoughts were always on ways to leave this crazy world behind. It took me going to therapy to fully understand that by having a busy mind I was ignoring my own issues, it was a coping mechanism. It took me finally opening up to someone bout my inner most thoughts to be free. See, when I tried to open up before people wouldn't take me serious, they would laugh or even make jokes. This lead to even more thoughts of how to get out of this world. If those people couldn't take me serious, then why am I even here? So I kept a busy mind until therapy. I was "forced" (I use that term loosely) to look at my thoughts. To dissect them and deal with them. Midway through therapy I started learning bout quieting my mind. I started to appreciate the quietness of my mind. I could then start going over my thoughts and tossing out the ones that didn't belong or even fit. You know the ones I'm talking bout, the minute they enter your brain you feel uncomfortable, that's how you know they don't belong. Then I learned bout when to have a busy mind and when not to. Some days I needed and still need a busy mind. It keeps the ugly thoughts at bay until I can deal with thrm. A busy mind will keep those negative thoughts tucked away. A busy mind is sometimes a blessing as long as you are using it for the good of your soul and mental health. A busy mind is good as long as you recognize that you are not ignoring your own thoughts. Today stop and ponder on that for a minute or 2. For me today is a quiet mind kinda day, I am tired so therefore a quiet mind is a must. I have learned that when I am tired I get a busy mind and the thoughts are never good. When I am tired I do not have the strength to fight the busy mind..... Till next time my friends

Just because

I like words. I dont or didnt like English in school but I have found I like words and I love to write. No I dont really know the proper structure for a sentence. I'm sure I use a period where a comma should be and vice versa. I know I have run on sentences. For me it's just getting the words out of my head. For me it's sharing those words in the hopes that someone will get something from them or they stick with them. Words are such a part of everyday life, even if you are deaf, you sign. Which by the way I would love to learn. I started a blog because I have so many words in my head, in my heart that I feel I need to share with the world. I want to talk bout the things most people don't talk bout. I want to share my thoughts or most of them. I want you as a reader to connect, to think about what you are reading. I want you as a reader to realize you are not alone, that there is soneone out in this great big world who thinks like you, or who has been through something similar or even worse. I want you as a reader to just know someone out there gets it. I know I should write more and if I would quit procrastinating then I would write more. I have so much to share. On the flipside to that I am a bit apprehensive about sharing things. I get concerned I will hurt someones feelings, yes I shouldnt worry but yet I do. There is such a strong need to share the words in my head and my heart with you as a reader. I have always said I can write it better than I can say it. So now it really is time to stop procrastinating and write more...... Peace out tater tot......

Wait, do you like me?

 

I look in the mirror and do not recognize the woman who stares back at me. Hello my name is Melissa and its so very nice to meet ya. Don't look confused, it's really me. Yes you can stare it's ok.

See way back when I couldn't look people in the eyes while talking to them. Shoot I couldn't even look at myself in the eyes while standing in front of a mirror. When I was in counseling, I would sit in this colorful chair and stare out the window while talking to David. He picked up quickly that if you wanted me to talk, then let me look out the big window and we could talk all day. He even threatened to close the blinds if I didn't start talking, that's how much I would look out the windows. Anything to avoid looking directly at you.

It didn't help matters that I was shy. It didn't help that I didn't know how to meet people. It didn't help that I didn't really know who I was. It really didn't help that I had to figure out all this stuff on my own. I use to help people because I wanted them to like me. I use to go where ever others wanted just so I could tag along and belong. I had to learn how to go out by myself including going to a restaurant and eat alone. I had to do this so I could learn who I was, who I am. With therapy I learned who I was. In therapy I learned I am not my past, or my parents baggage. In therapy I learned I am not who others tried to make me.

I have learned that I absolutely love to help others, it makes my heart happy. I love to read, I have a gift for writing. I love to cook but only when the mood hits. I have also learned I don't really care for shallow conversations, I will do them because it's necassary but give me a deep conversation any day. There are times I catch myself wanting to do something just to fit in and then I have to stop myself and ask why am I doing this? Usually that only happens at a low point in my life, don't worry I get over it quickly.

I have learned I am a perfectionist, if I do something then I want to get it right the first time. If I feel like I will not get it right then I don't attempt to start it. Maybe I should work on that. I don't like failure in myself. Although if I see others struggling then I go encourage them. I am really great at that!!

In the beginning I really thought I liked myself and I learned I only liked myself very little. Now, well most days I love me. Most days I am happy with me. Like most women there are days I don't like me but they are few n far between. I love learning new things and love learning myself (but only if I can get it right the first time). I love music, it will help any mood I am in. I love puzzles and quiet time. I love the new me.....

Alphabet Soup

 

Words are a part of your everyday life, whether silent, soft or loud. Words can set your mood for the day, they can even set someone's else day up as well. Angry words in the morning and you're in a bad mood all day. Happy words in the morning will have you having a great day all day. Thought provoking words in the morning will have you thinking on said words.

Words are used to destroy others

Words are used to uplift others

Words are used to manipulate others

Words are used to encourage others

Words can and will impact your future

Words said in anger will never go away. You can not take them back. Words said with regret you can't undo. Words are dangerous for they can change someone in an instant. You must be careful with your words. When talking to someone you don't know what words have been spoken to them in the past and you may unknowingly put more pressure on them. Words from the past will stay with you.

We are all different, we all receive words different. If you came from an unhappy home it's hard to hear good words. If you came from a happy home then you have a hard time hearing negative words. If you come from a broken home then you have no clue as to have good communication in a relationship. Sometimes you are in a great relationship and he/she says something that makes you doubt everything.

What is said to you as a child sets up future relationships. The less words are spoken also sets up a child in their relationships. We all have role models, we all have parents/guardians. As a child I didn't have a good foundation for communication. Now as an adult I struggle with my communication skills. I feel like I don't know how to have conversations. Strange I know because if you are reading this then you may have read my other posts. I love to write. Give me pen n paper and I can "talk" all day. Ask me to go meet someone for the first time and I get so nervous that either my words come out jumbled up or I look like a complete idiot and sometimes it's both.

As a child I heard words and words were spoken to me. Same thing for my teenage years and young adult years. I didn't really ever hear positive words or if they were said then they were few and far between. When I started therapy I knew I was gonna have to talk but it was like how bout I just give you writings and we can be done. I did learn as the days went by to talk to him and her but it wasnt easy. I still struggle with words, I forget to ask people bout their kids, how they themselves are doing. I forget to ask bout an appointment that you had. It's not intentional. It doesn't mean I don't care I just forget.

Words so are very important today. Please if you have young kids speak life, speak positive. Help them have the communication skills they will need later in life. If you are in a relationship then be careful with your words. Don't be afraid to say I love you. Don't be afraid to apologize. Don't be afraid to say if someone hurt you. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love what they are wearing, or the hair, earrings, shoes, well you get the picture.

In this crazy world we live in, we all hear enough negative to last us a lifetime. It's time to start building each other up with encouraging words.

Today tell someone that you like what they are wearing or whatever you like bout them. It may seem strange and scary at first but once you do it enough it will get easier, until then

Thank you for reading this and I hope I made you smile