No need to feel sorry for me

   Too many thoughts that are running together but yet can't come out. I asked one time if I screamed could you hear me? Now I have no energy to scream, my voice is gone. It's not that I am scared but I have no energy, I have no strength. My strength is evaporating, my will power is seeping out of my bones faster than I can build it up. My screams have turned into whispers. My cries are now whimpers. I am no longer happy but angry. I am no longer saying "it's okay" because it is no longer okay. My wish is to be gutted open so that somebody somewhere can figure out what is going on so that I can be fixed and can start living again. 

    To look at me you see health, you see changes, but the outside doesn't reflect the inside. The inside is filled with polyps, it's filled with knots, loops and all the wrong things. You don't see it because I do not allow you to see it. I do not allow most people to see the hurt, the anger and the frustration that comes with dealing with more medical issues than I know what to do with right now. I have been on a medical journey for 2 years now and heading into my third year. I'm not for sure what exactly is going on other than this journey is not for me but for those around me. 

    I now get so tired at the drop of a hat, I get to a point where I can not stand still for very long, I must sit down. The exhaustion has crept in and won't let go. There have been days at work where I just sit in my office and cry because I just don't have the strength or the will power to fight any longer. I reach out to others that I know that will pray. I try to stay positive, I try to keep my head up, I try to move forward. My legs feel like anchors that are anchored in the cement and showing no signs of letting up. My arms are weak, my voice is a whisper. My heart beats but it has beats of sadness. My smile is not seen as often as it should, my laughter all but gone unless I am with a child that makes me genuinely smile and laugh. No offense to the adults.

   I don't ask how much more for fear that I will be tested to find out. I am ready to be done but obviously it is not time. I have faith do not get wrong, Gods hands have been all in this and will continue to be in this. I know where my Help comes from, I know where my Healer is. I know that I win either way, that doesn't mean I am giving it up it just means I have peace. Yes there are days where I really do want to give up, yes I do have days where I lay my head on my desk in my office and just ask God to take me please, but as you can see He hasn't done that just yet. No I am not a quitter but you reach a certain point that you just want to shout stop. I have even contemplated stopping all doctors. No I haven't given up on them either it's just my life revolves around appointments and doctor visits. 

  Someone once told me she felt sorry for me because I had/have no life and while she is right I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. For whatever reason I am on this journey and while right now I am frustrated and angry it's ok. Right now and after 2 years of being strong, happy, positive, I get to be frustrated and a bit angry. Don't feel sorry for me because my life has stopped while those around me has went on. Yes my life stopped about 2 years ago now, not by my choice but it did stop. I can't plan ahead, I can't see my grandparents, I can't just get up and go anymore, I have to plan my days by how much I am pushing my body. I have to plan everything I do around my appointments and whether or not I am tired or in pain. I can no longer push my body the way I use to. Even though I have somewhat slowed down, please don't feel sorry for me. I look around and realize that everyone around me has moved on, nothing wrong with that, I'm glad and thankful they have. At times I get frustrated with why I can't move on but I am learning to stand still. I am learning to just wait. Not my strong suit but I am trying. 

    I'm learning that most people have no clue as to what to say or do when they ask me what is going on. Want me to let you in on a secret, there is no right words or no right actions that can help. Stop feeling guilty and stop being scared of saying some thing to me. The worse thing you can do to me is to be quiet. I understand it is difficult for those around me, for those that love me. I know that while you all want to help I am learning that one of my love languages is quality time spent with those I love. It doesn't have to be out doing anything, I am just fine with hanging out, I am just fine being around ya. 

    So as you go about your day and you see people walking past you just give them a genuine smile, it will truly brighten their day. As you go about your day and you see someone you know stop and ask them how they are doing and truly listen. I know that we all get busy doing things but you never know who you will run into that may need a smile or a listening ear. Just be genuine with them, that goes a lot further than you pretending. When there are no words to say, just smile at them and let them know that you are thinking about them. 

Peace out Tater Tot

Duh Moment

   So today as I was hanging tags and talking to God, I had one of those "aha moments". I have to go back to Oct 31, 2013 and explain. So Oct 31 I had just had one surgery and this was the day I was getting my staples removed. I was woke up by His voice and He said "this battle is not for you but those around you", well I heard it and then went back to sleep. I was woke up again about 7:45 and the voice was loud and clear like it was in my room. My response was "alright God I heard ya". So I went back to sleep only to be woken up by Dr. C's office, they wanted me to come in about 3:30 that afternoon the doc needed to talk to me. Honestly at that time and with the word I had just gotten I really thought they were going to tell me I had endometriosis. So I had peace and went back to sleep. 

   It has been about 2 years and I have had one medical thing after another since then.  Today I remember the word I was given 2 years ago and realized that just because I was done with chemo and radiation didn't mean that the word was done. I realized today that while I have had one thing after another that this very well may be exactly what He was talking about. My body hasn't had time to heal before I am right back in the docs office with something else that has to be taken care of. 

   I got it in my head that since I was done with chemo and radiation that my life would get back to some kind of normalcy. I thought that I had done the word I was given well. Boy did I get knocked on the head today. Just because I think it should be done doesn't mean that He wants it to be done. Everything I have been through is all part of this journey. All the testing, the diagnosis, the waiting, the time, the energy, the sleepless nites, the tears (yes at times I really do cry), the sadness, the loneliness. Well you get the picture. Everything in the past 2 years has been apart of this word that I was given. At times I forgot about the word I was given not on purpose but in my mind the word was done. I am sure that at times I have failed which is gonna happen. 

     Don't get me wrong, I have had people come up to me and tell me that they admired me because I have kept a positive attitude towards all of this, I have had a few tell me that I have done well through this journey so far.  I have done my best to keep a positive attitude throughout all of this. There has been a few times that I got discouraged over every thing that has taken place so far. During those times I have had someone lift me up with a word or even an encouraging text, you gotta do it so you mind as well deal with it. As I embark on yet another appointment I will keep in mind that this journey isn't necessarily for me but for those around me. 

Peace out 

Tater tot

Acceptance hopefully????

   As my birthday draws near I am reminded of dreams that will never see the light of day. I am reminded that another year has passed and I look back and realize a lot of things has happened and I have grown. This is a tough blog to write but I'm gonna try to do it right.....

   About 3 years ago I had to sign away my right to have children. I wasn't happy but medically speaking it was for the best. I want to talk about what happened afterwards and it still happens today. Today as I got done mentoring a delightful 10 year old who loves to catch frogs and lizards and has recruited me to help him. I went to go do a bit of window shopping and as I was in one store, I went to the baby section just looking and then I ended up crying and buying a few things for some precious children. 

    After I signed away my right, I had to learn to accept that decision and be okay but I wasn't. I was angry at God because I couldn't understand why He didn't trust me enough to let me have one of His precious gifts. I was resentful and envious all at the same time. I was resentful because I wasn't ever going to have children the natural way. I was envious because as I watched all the moms with their children and the love and affection shown. I wanted a chance to prove I could do it, I wanted a chance to leave a different legacy than what my mother tried to leave me with. During this time I heard in church how there was a couple that they were all praying for to get pregnant and then when they did it was called a precious gift. I couldn't understand why I wasn't worthy enough of that same precious gift. Another thing I heard while I was trying to accept that decision was you will be a great mom to an orphaned child or to my husbands children. You have it in you to love someone's child as if they were my own. Here's the problem with that in a nut shell, I can't love them as if they were my own because I have never experienced getting pregnant and giving birth. Do not get me wrong I do love the children I am around and I will kill someone if they ever hurt them. I mean that with every fiber of my being. 

     So as the days turned into months and then a year I was getting a grasp on my decision. However there are times when I look at a lady who is pregnant and get a little teary-eyed because even though I am better accepting my decision the pain is still there. I'm not for sure if the pain will ever go away or will it just lessen some year after year. So today I did some retail therapy and my reasoning was plain n simple - since I can't have children I will buy for those around me - I saw the cutest onesie for a newborn and bought the cutest shirts for some boys I know. As I shopped I would stop and just drop my head because I would start to cry and when it ended I would go back to shopping again. I don't do this often but when I do it puts a smile on my face. 

    I am no longer angry at God, as I am sure He has a very good purpose for not allowing me to experience a miracle. As I was learning to accept that I really was not ever gonna have children due to I am completely void of any of the internal parts of a woman. Bam I get hit with another rarity (if it's rare it happens to me) I have a rare disease called Puetz-Jeghers Syndrome and as my genetics nurse was talking to me she informed me that I could go ahead and have a double mastocomy. My response was a quick hold on. I mean I have given up the right to give birth, then I have every female organ removed and now you want to take my Ta-Ta's???? I told her no way as I am already feeling the effects of no female organs and you want to do what??? I do not mean to offend anyone as I am sure there is someone somewhere that has it all gone and I sit here and I can empathize with you. 

    So today as I did my retail therapy I have accepted that when these kinds of moments hit, I will just go shopping and that usually ends up with me smiling. 

This was wrote 2 days before my birthday last year and while I have accepted the decision that I will never give birth to my child, at times I find myself at a loss or very sad when I see babies and or toddlers. I'm not for sure if the pain ever goes away but I am learning to adjust to it or at least I hope I am.........until then I will continue my retail therapy and my "children" will have some cool things coming their way.....

Until next time....

Peace Out Tater Tot......

Late nite talks with....well self

    So for the past few days I have been trying to come up with a title and something to write about in my blog since I have not written in what seems like forever. I have had writers block for the past few months along with dealing with some minor health issues. As I was driving from Wilmington this afternoon after an appointment, I had so many thoughts and questions, so this is just gonna be one of those that may make you think or laugh.  So here are some of the thoughts and questions....

     What gives you that endorphin rush? For me it's getting a new tattoo, getting a piercing, doing something I have always wanted to do but haven't done it yet. For instance I have been wanting to go on the skywheel, and of course it's oh yeah let's do it but yet it doesn't get done, so this year for my birthday I will go on the sky wheel even if I have to go alone. I will actually make it to see a sunrise this year. 

     What makes you feel confident? Is it your favorite jeans? Makeup or a great hair day? For me it's chinos and a bright shirt and the smile that lets the world know I am getting ready to conquer it!!! Another thought as I was driving back to work is I want to do a post on or around my birthday but I am hesitant because I am sure a family member or members will get offended. In doing my blog my intentions is not to offend anybody even though I know it isn't quite possible to please everyone. 

    Seasons in one's life, we have all go through them even if we don't recognize them or go running through them. Someone told me this morning maybe I am going through the "winter" season, hibernation breeds detachment and isolation usually and most times to better self at the end of the season. Other thoughts range from.....

      Laughing at myself because last nite as I was driving home, I started looking for my keys, yep go back and read at again. I did and I laugh every time. Laughter is really good for the soul, I do know that I have laughed more in the last few weeks due to a kindred spirit. As I walk through the store doing my job and speaking or at least trying to speak to everyone, you have no clue as to what another is going through. Usually when we laugh at work a customer will laugh with us. I think about new life and how at times I am still trying to accept at I will never get to experience it. I am by far a lot better at accepting that than what I was. 

     All day today I have done nothing but think of this dream I had last nite. It was so vivid and so detailed that even now I can see what is going on. I am gonna have to write that one down and get someone to interrupt it for me. Sleep does not come as easy as before but yet I have always had issues with sleep. Do not get me wrong I love sleep. I love my bed and there are times that I have to make an effort to be friends with my bed just so I can get a decent nites sleep. Of course the lack of sleep could be due to all the thoughts that run through my head, or it could be all the meds I am taking...

   It has been real hard for me to have writers block, words are my life and my life is words. I can describe my life and my thoughts so much better with words. I miss my Dad. I am learning that I can have a healthy balance in my life and everything will still be okay. There are a few things I am struggling wi and ,Anne one day I will write them down for you and share them. So for now, keep your thoughts going who knows what you may stumble on. I know you are reading this and we need to do coffee soon. So for now I leave you with do something today that you would not normally do.......

Until next time

Later Tater Tot

Encouraging

     As I sat waiting waiting to see my wonderful doctor for my 4 month check ups noticed a few things today. There's a special kinship that people who are going through a cancer battle that you have with each other and it's not explained other than you don't walk that road alone. Today there was laughter, smiles and everyday conversation going on. You wouldn't know that some of these people were waiting for chemo treatments and who knows maybe it's the end for some of them and maybe it's the beginning. Regardless I sat and watched and listened to those around me. Some were encouraging the lady beside her with words and a smile. Then one let's us all know she may get sick she just wanted to warn us. 

   If you have never faced the battle of cancer then please don't take your health for granted. It's not worth it. My life for the next few years will be living as much as I can and in between doing check ups. Here's the thing I am usually okay in the middle but when it comes time for a check up I do get a little bit anxious. Yes I know I am suppose to trust God" yes I know I am suppose to believe I am healed. Here's what you don't realize, I do believe all that. I know I am healed, I know that I trust God. God is the one who helped me through the past 2 years. Getting back to my point. So when my appointments come up even though I know everything is fine I still get anxious, what if they find something, what's gonna happen next. Oh my the thoughts that run through my head just before an appointment. I am human that's the only answer I have for it. God hasn't made me perfect yet and so therefore sometimes my human nature gets in the way. Here's the best thing God knows exactly how I am and what I am thinking and what is going on in my head and He loves me anyways for it. 

    So over the next few years when my appointments arrive I still strive to do better about being anxious but I don't promise a thing. I do want to share some things with you though. As you are waiting whether it's for you or a friend look around you and pray for those around you. Give an encouraging smile to the one sitting across from you that catches your eye.msmiles are free in this world and a smile could mean the difference in someone's life. You never know. Just because someone is smiling and laughing doesn't mean they don't have a battle going on inside. I stayed positive throughout my whole battle with chemo and radiation. The people who were with me made it very enjoyable for me and them. I am forever grateful to the ones who walked with me on that journey. 

    I am learning because of the journey to not wait to do the things I want to do like dance in the rain, or get that tattoo I have been wanting. I want to go somewhere I have never been and yes I will get there just not this month. I want to slow down and smell the roses and enjoy life before it passes me by. When those dreaded but great checkups can't me I want to be reminded not to take life for granted. I want to be reminded that I can listen to the radio on the way home and sing as loud as I want and who cares if anyone is watching. I want to be reminded to get all the kisses I can from the boys. I want to be reminded to go see a movie or go with a friend out to lunch/dinner and just sit and enjoy my time with them. I want to be reminded that life is moving on. 

   I have been facing some very challenging thoughts in the past few months and one day I will be able to write. By the way this is my first time in forever being able to actually write and it mean something. I think my writers block is gone at least that is what I am praying for. So until the next time remember to smile at those waiting and to even say an encouraging word. So until next time.......

Peace out Tater Tot

Rare.....

    I was challenged to do a new blog post and call it "Rare", of course me being me I accepted the challenge. I know that when I was asked to write this, that it should be about me and how "rare" I really am. However as I was driving to a friends house to get my hair did, it came to me to write about "rare" in the following context. I may step on a few toes and such but hey I wouldn't be me if I didn't speak truth.....

   Why is it that society tells us to be one way and yet in our minds we see ourselves completely different? Why is that when a friend tells us we are beautiful we blow them off? Why is it we see a beautiful woman/girl and we look with envy or we look with a sneer? Why is it that when we someone not so beautiful and we make jokes about them? Why is it that we as woman just can't be happy with the here n now? Why is it that woman just can't learn to be happy by themselves? Just curious....

   The definition of "rare" is an event not occurring very often. "Rare" is defined as unusual, uncommon. "Rare" is not as common as you would think. My belief is that we will not have "rare" woman around us because being like that takes to much effort to get there. It's easier to believe that we should just settle for what we have instead of going for "rare". What if we all decided that we wanted to be that "rare" woman who was confident every day of the week even though we like to sit around in sweats and baggy t-shirts all day? What if we as woman could be like that those confident woman you see walking? How "rare" would it be if we as woman decided that we were enough that we didn't need a man to complete us? 

   "Rare" for me is learning that my body is rare. There is no one else who has a body like mine. God made me "RARE". To me "rare" would be very comfortable in my own skin. For me "rare" comes across as being confident and not ever having to fake it. "RARE" for me is stretching me past my boundaries and being okay knowing full well I will not break or crumble. To me coming to terms with the fact that my life is okay a bit twisted at times, a bit full of appointments but that it's really okay, it will not keep me down. I want to be remembered as a "rare" woman not medically speaking but in everything speaking. I want to be that "rare" woman that doesn't matter who is around me I will always be comfortable with me. Never have a doubt if I am good enough, or anything like that. 

   "RARE" is doing something right the first time and knowing you did it right with no doubts. "RARE" is finding that one girlfriend that you can spill your guts to and know it's safe, finding that one girlfriend that even though months or years go by you can always pick up right where you left off. "RARE" is finding real love. Yea I know some of you just shook your head and said but I have found my true love, my real love. Here's the thing though in the world that we are living in today, it is so very hard to find a true real friend, let alone find real love. In this day n time too many people out there are all about themselves and what they can get from you. It is very "RARE" to find that one good friend, we won't even say friends, because you can count yourself blessed if you find at least one true friend. Real love don't even get me started on that. That may have to be another blog post for another day. 

   "RARE" is just like the word itself, hardly in anybody's vocabulary these days. It is "RARE" for someone to get the help they need and truly change from it. I asked a friend today how many truly seek change and then take the time to put the changes into practice and to also stick with it till you are done. He said not very many, in all his years of helping people he said only a handful really want the help maybe I should say change not help. I am very thankful that I have those few close friends who have helped me along my journey to changing me into the woman of God I was intended to be in the first place. 

   Do you want to be remembered as a "RARE" woman? Do you want to leave a legacy of rarity to those you love and will leave behind? For me I am holding out for that thing of real love, I deserve it and expect it. For me I want to always be remembered as being "RARE". I want to be able to help others into becoming "RARE"!!! 

A letter to my Dad

Dear Dad

    I know that you are doing well I mean you have been in Heaven for 24 years now. Just make sure you are standing directly behind Jesus when I get there. I think I'm gonna hug you for about 5 years, I'm not gonna be able to let you go. I'm gonna be by your side till I know it's ok. It's funny because that is the human mind and it can't comprehend what Heaven is gonna be like with our loved ones. I will just be so happy to see you again. Crazy question but did you age any while you have been there or do you still look like you did at 44? Well a lot has happened in 24 years so let me get started but before I do I must get n give forgiveness.

   Dad I need you to forgive me for having higher expectations of you. (You know exactly what I'm talking about)  Dad I understand that you did the best you could. I forgive you for not being perfect and doing the best you could in protecting me and keeping me safe. (Again you know what I'm talking about) I finally started understanding why you didn't leave sooner. You are and will always be my superhero. Dad please forgive me for being mad at you for leaving, I stayed angry at you for the longest time. I am getting past it finally and getting to a place that I am okay with you being gone, well, not really but better. So to catch you up on what's been going.

   I got married n divorced, no kids. Partied like crazy and just well lived life the way I shouldn't have. However in living life like I did I learned a few things in the process. Some things I learned you had already taught me, like giving my word and keeping it, like helping people as much as possible without losing self, like working hard, life giving and expecting nothing in return. Stubbornness and independence came from you as well. The need to achieve things better things in life. To talk care of me and those I love. Crazy thought but if you were here we would be having coffee and talking. I did end up in church just many years later, been on 2 mission trips and hope to go on more. When I get to Heaven I want you to meet a few people Tater Tot being one of them. I know you would really like him. He taught me about me and helped me become the person that God intended for me to be in the first place. Okay getting back to my life and the pitfalls. By the way in case you hadn't noticed I do love a good rabbit trail. 

   I had a few major pitfalls with my health however God had His hand on me the entire time not like He normally doesn't but that was an extra special time. I came through with flying colors, now just learning to deal with the after effects of having surgery and cancer, along with chemo, radiation and being thrown full blown into menopause. Not my idea of a great 40th birthday but as you taught me, I endured with a smile and the fortitude to push through. You would definitely be proud, but you would probably be angry at a few folks who weren't around but it's ok, I made it through regardless. I have taken the time to finally figure out who I am or who I was suppose to be in the beginning, I think you would be so proud of me now. You can ask J and C about all the changes and they will tell you, Tater tot will fill you in on all the walls and steel cage doors he came upon. 

   I sit here drinking coffee and remembering how you came in my room one nite to tuck me back in, I ended up either at the foot of the bed or between the mattress. I remember one Christmas we were coming back from your brothers house and I kept looking in the back of the truck, you told me that Santa was up in the sky flying around. I was sitting beside you and immediately started looking at the sky trying to find Santa. We had this bond that nobody could break. I finally came to the understanding that even though you weren't perfect and things weren't as I thought they should be, I knew you loved me, I knew I was "daddy's girl". It didn't matter how much she tried to keep me from you I knew in my heart of hearts I would and will always be daddy's girl. There was a bond an understanding of sorts that I had to wait,at the time I didn't understand it or comprehend it but now I do, I think I have understood for awhile now. I am my Daddy's girl. 

  I know that you are proud of me today. I know that a few ears back you would have been disappointed however I think you would have given me grace considering my childhood and such things like that. This is the first year that I have been at peace with your passing. Don't get me wrong I miss you like crazy, would of loved to have you hear these past 2 years to help me get through but I know that you are in a much better place waiting for me to get there. I cry tears of sadness that you were taken so soon from my life, I know the reason behind my tears and sadness. It made me stronger, tougher, helped me to endure some pain n hardships that happened since you have been gone. For now I rest in the security that you are happy, and sitting with Jesus waiting patiently for me to get there. I know I know not to quick for me. I think I will tell you some exciting news in a few weeks. I went to IHOP tonite because I remember one winter day you took me there before we were to head out into the woods to get some wood for the fireplace. 

   I miss you and you would wipe the tears from my eyes and tell me it's okay, not to cry. It's no good looking bing in the what ifs so I'm not gonna do that any longer or at least I'm gonna try to. I just know that you are waiting for me.......haha I know you want to know the exciting news but you are just gonna have to wait. I know that you will be super excited with me......till we meet again Dad save a place for me.....

I love you Dady always have always will......