When bad things happen to good people….

 Before I begin let me say that this is MY opinion and MY thoughts. They may not be correct for you or others but this is MY thoughts on the topic. 

About 15 years ago I started to same some variation of this phrase and as of today I still don’t have a definite answer for this question that many have asked in their own lives. I have come up with a way to deal with why bad things happen to good people. I look around me and see that at times it looks like bad people get the good things while the good people suffer. This is the kind of mental state you get into if you follow the path to get the answer you want. Let me tell you that if there is a true honest to goodness answer for this question I haven’t found it yet. So let me tell you how I deal with this, it ain’t pretty but yet it is.

I mean if you look around you, you will see kids with cancer, adults dealing with life tragedies, and most of them especially the kids are good people. Then you look at the news or again around you and you see the bad people living great lives. It just doesn’t make sense to me or others. So I have decided quite a few years ago to start looking at my situation a bit different. I will always try my best to have a smile on my face. I will always try my best to be positive. I have always tried to do my best to let Jesus’ light to shine bright from me. Now for the other side of that coin

On the days where my mind wants to know why, or when I see children with cancer or rare diseases I get upset because then I ask out loud why can’t a child predator have that instead? I will allow myself to have those days where I question and will be sad, mad or just complete disappointed, those are also the days where I make sure to only have it for a day and then try to do better the next day. 

When bad things happen to good people,some people turn their tragedies into something positive for their life, while others will let it destroy them. Some people will wallow in it for the rest of their lives and always be a victim or want the pity party that comes with it. Some people will allow themselves to stay there for a bit and then co e out the other side stronger and better, and help others. I believe that through all of life’s tragedies we should find the hope to keep going, to help others, to lift others up. We must remember that we are not the only ones going through something, others ,at be better at hiding it than what you are. That’s ok, let them I you can still be there. 

While good things happen to bad people you can choose to either find the good in it or the bad. That choice is yours. As I wrote that a thought popped in my head so I need to share that while there are a few “bad” things that happen to good people it would be hard to find the positive in it, I am aware of that. 

So moving forward that while bad things happen to good people, I bet there are even more good things that happen to good people than we know about. So from this day forward be a part of spreading the good things that happen to good people, get it out there so that the rest of us can have hope…..

Peace out Tater Tot

Challenges of Eating

   This topic has been a focus for me more in the past few years than ever before. Nowadays it’s even more prominent in my life as food doesn’t like my stomach. Food is an essential part of life, you must consume food in order to have energy. You must eat the right foods for your body to have fuel. It’s a relentless cycle, you must eat or you will have no energy, you must eat in order for your body to properly work. If you don’t eat well then there’s no energy, your body starts to breakdown. 

See I come from a generation where you ate 3 meals and maybe a snack in the afternoon. My house, you just couldn’t go to the fridge and just get something to eat, but my cousin could do that. My mother made all the food and you had to eat what was on your plate, you couldn’t leave the table until you were a part of the clean plate club. My mother made our plates and you had to eat everything that was on the plate, you couldn’t have seconds until everything on your plate was gone. If you got seconds then you still had to finish that as well. You couldn’t get up until your plate was clean. I also remember that you couldn’t ever say you didn’t like something especially if you haven’t tried it yet. I have a funny story from when I was a kid that makes me laugh but it stuck with me. My cousin had told her dad she wasn’t eating green peas from a can and spat them out. He got up opened another can and warmed them up, she had to sit there and finish the whole can. Needless to say she never again said I don’t like or spit her food out. 

Nowadays I am learning that I have to eat smaller meals and more often. Right now it’s not easy and I am trying to break a cycle that I have had my whole life. How do you change? How do you teach yourself to eat smaller meals especially when the food is so delicious? I already have to stay away from dairy, and now you want me to do smaller meals and eat a little more often? Yeah,like I really want to do that (eye roll). The great thing about this is that while I don’t feel like I can change years of a habit that was formed in childhood, I know that it will take time but I will get there. 

Food is a part of life, you meet friends and loved one at restaurants, your first date, meeting new and old friends. When you are cooking for others, you spend quite a bit of time in the kitchen talking and laughing. Food is what brings people together whatever the occasion is. So while this may not be easy for me, I know that I can do it, I mean I have finally gotten okay with not drinking whole milk. So there is hope for me yet. I love food especially when I cook it. I also love trying different recipes, I do have my favorites and to try and eat a small meals. I mean I could do that and then save the rest for another meal, but when the food is so good…….

Today being August 1st, I have decided to write everyday about a different topic no matter how tired I am.  Right now I have about 17 more topics from close friends and I will write about each one of them. If you have any ideas on how to eat smaller meals then leave me a comment. I don’t mind different ideas, 

As I was reading over what I just wrote I realized that there are people who have an eating disorder, or a food addiction, I don’t have either of these and can’t begin to understand what you are going through, so please know this isn’t a judgement on you and what you may be going through as you read my post. 

Am I Cuckoo

Therapy is not for everyone. Yes I actually said that but wait…… there’s more!!! Society tells us we should do talk therapy or whatever the other one is. It gets 30 seconds and too me that’s just crazy and not really helpful. Society also makes jokes, laughs at others and berate someone for going to therapy. Society has taught us for a long time that talking to a therapist is just not cool and now they are trying to change the narrative on that. My title is very fitting because I actually have an uncle that asked me that when he realized I was seeing a therapist. My first therapist was a really good one and my second one was just what I needed at the time. I didn’t tell my grandma about going to therapy because she was one of those people. Nothing wrong with that I just wasn’t comfortable telling her just yet but I did. 

In my formative years I wasn’t for or against therapy just something that I didn’t think about. Then as I got older and realizing I need some help but had no clue where to start. So of course like others I put it off. I wouldn’t think about therapy for awhile and then one day I was just ready to deal with my childhood and get all the baggage taken care so I could move on with my life and enjoy it. My life, my church and work all came to head one week and then I had no choice but to reach out. 

I had to answer some questions with a caller to get the phone numbers and names of therapists in the area. One question she asked and I understood immediately what she was asking. She asked if I preferred a male or female. I chose male because at that time I was very comfortable talking to a male. At that time there was no way I would ever be able to talk to a female. Don’t worry David got me hooked up with Joanne for my second therapist. I wouldn’t trade either one, they were sent at the exact time that it was needed. 

First day of therapy, you want me to talk, you want me to do what?? You mean to tell me this is a safe place and I can tell you all my deepest darkest secrets?  No way, no how, you aren’t tricking me into talking about what’s going on in my life. It took me about 6 to 8 months before I could trust David with some deep dark secrets. It took another 6 months before I could really really trust him and for real give up the deepest darkest secrets I carried. I tell you though, it was most rewarding. 

I’m sure some of you have read the very first line and then read up to here and wonder why I said that since I had such a rewarding time. I will explain now, so in my first visits with David I started to be okay talking with him as long as we didn’t get too deep. I also realized that I was paying him to help me. That’s when it clicked for me, I had to be willing to lay my soul bare, I also had to start taking what I had learned and using it so I could change. At the time I was going there was this older gentleman who was going but the thing was he was still harping on childhood issues but wasn’t willing to learn and move forward. That’s so sad to me, this man spent his life in therapy and didn’t change. 

So when I say therapy isn’t for all, this is what I mean, you have to be willing to change, you have to be able to have hard conversations even if you don’t want to. You have to be willing to put the work in, and that means that you have to take accountability for the stuff that is your fault. You have to own up to your part in what happened. Now I do realize there are some things that are out of our control and I get that. I won’t spell those out and hope you understand what I am saying. If you’re not willing to flay open your soul, take accountability and then change what you need to, then therapy is not for you. 

I am a huge advocate for therapy. I want everyone I come in contact with to be able to go and get rid of all the baggage that drags you down. I want those around me to have a happy life with no baggage. Be the change for someone who may need therapy and they are waiting on you to see what you will do. 

In the next few posts I will write more on my time while I was in therapy. I am hoping this post and the ones following will help you in your journey. I’m hoping you see that therapy while has a stigma on it will help you regardless of those around you who may not be for it. You have to do what’s best for you and your mental state.

Peace out Tater Tot

Can I ask for help?

 Can you ask for help and actually take the help? 

Do you do a "battle cry" of  I don't need help?

Are you always asking for help?

We as women tend to think we have to do it on our own and refuse to ask for help. For some women it's so they can prove that they are capable, but who are you trying to prove it to? Some women have no clue how to ask for help, while other women are afraid to ask for help. 

I did ask for some help when I was younger and was told No, so you guessed it I quit asking for help until the day I had to ask for help. I was trying to prove to those around me that I could do it and didn't need their help. 

Here's the thing for you women out there, some of us don't ask because we know it comes with strings and truthfully who wants to deal with that. I get that some of the times I asked for help it came with strings. Some women refuse to ask because of past times of nobody helping them. When we tried before to ask and got told no or they never showed up to help then we tend to think everyone is going to do that as well. 

I actually was chatting with my therapist about this very subject. She is in the category of being too stubborn to ask. She also brought up another point and that is when we ask for help from someone and they don't value you or that you need help and they let you down. That's a tough one.

As for the people who can't ask for help for fear of strings and you "owe me" debts, I get it. Here's the thing though we are unfortunately putting that "taint" on those around us and it's not fair to those who would help very quickly. I understand the help with strings and you owe me debts, I have had to endure that for quite awhile until I realized I need to just stop asking for help and do it all myself. 

I have a friend that refuses to ask for help, she will do it on her own. One day it hit me, what or who is she trying to prove something to. It did get me to thinking and realizing that all women out there deal with this. Some will say I have no idea what happened or that they always get a no when they ask for help. This means you no longer ask this person for help. They had their reasons and you may not agree and that's ok. It's tough to ask for help when you have heard "no" too often or even when nobody shows up to help. 

In saying all of this what I am getting at is that it's ok to ask for help from the right person. Sit and think of your people, you know who would help and who wouldn't. To the young women, learn to ask regardless of the "no", learn to do some things on your own but when you need help as scary as it is to ask, do it anyways. To the other women out there, it doesn't matter how many times you have heard "no" or dealt with strings and owe me debts, look at your circle there is someone who will help you. 

My Granddad used to tell me that I was blocking the blessing that someone would get because I didn't let them help. I am learning to keep that close and still ask for help. I still have days where I know I need to ask for help but yet I don't want to inconvenience anyone or have someone got out of their way. 

Start small that's all I'm asking for. I had to learn at the beginning of my medical journey in 2022. I still have my moments but each day gets better

Peace out Tater Tot 

I don't want to

     Again this is My opinions and MY life experiences. If at any time you are ready to end your life then please reach out and call 988. If you are feeling depressed, lonely, sad, or overwhelmed from life and it's many trials then please reach out to a friend, Pastor, Boss, Teacher someone who can help you make it through your days living your best life. I have felt all of those and sometimes I still do. Back quite a few years ago it all started to affect my job. I knew it was time to reach out to a counselor but I needed that extra push to get there. 

       The first day I walked into David's office I'm not sure what I expected. I definitely know it wasn't what happened or developed over the years. I had an idea in my mind that we would discuss my childhood and how I felt, what I believed and why I did the things I did. I didn't think it was all tied together. When one area of your life is off balance then all areas are off balance whether you realize it or not. It took about 6 months for me to become comfortable enough to start getting to the root of it all. It took me another 18 months before I could trust him with some very private issues. Yeah yeah yeah I know he's there's to help why did I wait so long. I have trust issues I know this, he knew it within a month or so of meeting me. 

        David was so easy to talk to and he made me comfortable but yet still would call BS if he needed to which he did several times. He was the right counselor for me especially at that time. It took me about 2 years or more before I could look him in the eyes while talking with him. I know there's something out there about not looking at people's eyes when you talk to them but mine started way back in the day when I would talk about how I felt about something. When I was a child I wasn't really believed and at times told "no you don't feel it or something to that effect". When I went to his office I had a certain chair I sat in and would stare out the big bay windows. He would let me because he knew I would talk more that way.

        I do remember one time when I was in his office and wasn't really talking, he gave me an ultimatum and made it clear if I didn't start talking he would shut the blinds on that big bay window I loved to look out. I stalled, he got up and started his way to the window. I started talking of course. David had a way of pushing when he needed to and also backing off when the time was needed. He helped me understand why I did some of the things I did. He helped me understand that I made the decisions based off of skewed tapes in my head from childhood. I guess what I am saying is if you are on the fence about going to a counselor I'm gonna say go ahead and jump off that fence and go. It will be life changing. It will be so rewarding. Well maybe not in the beginning but it has its moments that just make you want to go back and get more. If you are sitting in a counselors office and you don't feel very comfortable then I would say give it three sessions then make a decision. I have a counselor now that if we didn't mesh on the beginning she would have told me and we would have parted ways. Yes I said she. And yes I have another counselor. I will tell you about her in the next writing.

           May is mental health awareness month and while I believe that mental health should have more than a month this is the perfect month to start your healing journey. Mental health needs to be front n center. Too many cases of domestic violence, too many cases of bullying. Too many cases of people doing things out in this world who suffer from depression, low self esteem, low self worth, no love for themselves. It all ties in together. Today is the first day of your life to start a new fresh journey to being happy, to living a happy life doing the things you want and making some really great and happy memories. 

       In closing you aren't always going to have happy days, life gets in the way I understand that. You also will have days where you may be taking a step back into old habits I get that as well. That's when you reach out and get help so you can get back on track. I have someone who stops in at the store and I see him every week but on those weeks where everything is piling up we talk. He reminded me this week that even though I may not realize it I do have another stable person I can talk to. So in your travels you may think nobody would understand I can tell you that there may be someone like that in your life. 

 Peace out Tater Tot.......

What was I thinking

May is National Mental Health Awareness month. In the following writing and the next couple of ones I will be expressing MY opinions and MY life experiences with counseling and mental health. If YOU need help please call the suicide line at 988. Reach out to a close friend that you trust. Have no one close that you trust reach out to someone whether it be your Pastor, boss, teacher, just reach out. I'm glad Mental Health gets a month but it needs more than that. The awareness has come a long way from when I was a child. In the past few years there has been celebrities doing ads to get people that need counseling to go talk to someone. The military is the same but I can't speak on that as I am not nor have I ever been in the military. It wouldn't be fair or right to all those soldiers who would happen to read this. Mental Health needs more attention and more focus than what it currently has. Mental Health is more than just suicidal thoughts, or even the act. It's depression, sadness, low self esteem, overwhelmed constantly with negative thoughts. It's feeling of not loving yourself or learning the value of you. It's bad habits that you do to cover up the lost feeling you have inside. It's self harm, acholol, drugs, over eating just to feel good about yourself. It's doing whatever you can for others to help that feeling of unworthiness. Its generational curses that have been passed down whether you are aware or not. There are some people who don't feel half of these and others that feel them and more. There are some that want help but can't get it. There are some who want help and get it. Then you have some that really don't see an issue with how they are. There are others who want to play or use that mental health card as a crutch. There are all kinds of people out in this crazy world and wherever you may fall in the above my hope is that while you read my writings that you see here, is a chance to get help and love your healthy life. What was I thinking when I said I would seek help for my childhood issues that carried over into adulthood........

When MY world stopped spinning

Interesting title I know but bare with me and I will explain. See some people will know exactly what I mean by the title alone but others will not. There are some people who have experienced this while others have experienced this many times over. Some people don’t even realize it’s happening. I noticed it the first time over 10 years ago now. This time it’s different, last time only lasted 6 months while this time it’s still going on.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Almost 2 years ago my world stopped spinning and I was just focused on getting better and staying strong. It started before I ever went to the emergency room and then had emergency surgery to fix the issue. Looking back maybe the month or 2 leading up to that day was a preparation for the stop. It really sunk in at work just recently when I went to type a password that I had just before I had to be out. My world had stopped spinning that day I had surgery. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When your world stops spinning everything around you continues on and everyone around you goes on about their daily life just living. It’s not their fault or anything they can do, they didn’t have the trauma you did. They didn’t experience their world stopping. Yes they went with you on the journey, yes they spent time with you but still their world was still spinning while my world had stopped. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After your world stops spinning you have to learn a new normal, you have to learn to start living again and most importantly you have to get your world back to spinning again. The sad thing is it’s not as easy this time around but that may be because I am still dealing. I guess you could say it’s not time for my world to start up again for whatever reason. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It’s like during the time that you are waiting for your world to start again you are being prepared for a different normal, a new normal. It’s about changing to accommodate what you have been through. No not the victim mentality but the accepting that your world stopped for a trauma and then you learn to move on and deal with it in a positive way. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slowly my world is starting to spin again but it’s a slow process this time around. I can feel it starting just by being able to do ordinary things and being able to be back at work. It’s not at a full spin just yet, you know how when you spin a top it starts slow and then builds up speed and goes faster n faster, well I’m at the beginning of the spin. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soon all things medical will be but a distant memory. Soon my couch will no longer look like a doctor’s tray ready for me to change the dressing. Soon all the medical boxes will be donated to others. Soon I will not have to worry about ordering any medical supplies. Soon I will have not to worry about sensitivity to tape and itching skin. Soon very soon my world will be spinning with a new normal just for me……… Till next time