The itching is gone....at least for now

It's Sunday nite March 26th. I had to relax again today because the drainage gets to be too much. We now call it red drainage. I had to change the dressing today and as I am pulling out the packing strip from the top tunnel it hurts some but gotta get it out. I finish taking out the rest jump in the shower to wash and make sure the wound is good. Again after my shower I head for the couch to pack the top tunnel and then relax back letting the wound get some air. Today the rash is almost gone but it looks way better than it did yesterday. Looking at it yesterday I wasn't for sure if it was gonna get better or not. Tomorrow my home health nurse will come and we will decide if we get to put the wound vac on. I am suppose to have it for a month. It's the last step before surgery. On a completely different note the itching finally stopped, of course realizing that as soon as the wound vac was off the itch took off as well. Hopefully tomorrow we get better news.... Heres the thing, this is the second time around that I have had to deal with a wound vac. The first time was not a happy ocassion at all. That thing hurt bad enough I would cry when they would take it off. You learn though to breath through and know that the pain doesn't last long and then you can relax afterwards. I have tried my best to be strong and hold on to my faith and be positive throughout this journey. It's not been easy and today was kinda a blah day but I am still pushing through. I have to take the small victories when they happen and run with them because eventually they turn in to big victories. Peace out Tater Tot

Meet my new best friend part 3

Friday Its another wound care change day. I am suppose to go over to a friends house this evening for pizza. I let them know I have to wait till my home health nurse is here and finished. Again time to get active, use the cross body strap and go for a walk. The itching is still there and again I'm trying my best to ignore it. The afternoon flies by, but I notice when I am in the bathroom there is a couple of red spots on the bottom of my wound under the tape I see them amd hope its blood and not a rash starting. My home health nurse finally gets here at 6. As she is taking the tape off I am having a little pain. Once she is done I notice a lot more spots on my skin and my wound. After we talk bout what we are gonna do and what we should we decide to leave the wound vac off and go back to the wet to dry dressings. She covers the entire wound in a thick layer of Destin. She uses the packing strips to pack the tunnels. I actually notice and show her that it looks like one of my shorter tunnels is actually closing up. That is great news and I decide to look and the last tunnel that popped up is gone as well. We use extra tape to put in places on my belly that hasn't seen much tape in the past month or 2. I had to let my friends know I couldn't make it and we should plan again but only on Tuesday or Thursday and weekends since I have the wound vac. Saturday It was weird sleeping without having the wound vac and listening to it. I was actice today as far as walking but decided I had better just relax this weekend since the drainage is just excessive and with the rash trying to start. Take my shower wash the wound and area. As soon as I am stretched out on the couch I pack the top tunnel. You see, the opening is trying to heal and get smaller. Now I know what you are thinking isn't that what we want? Yes but the tunnel has to heal from the bottom up. If it heals at the top then I still have a tunnel that will have drainage in it and that could cause extra problems, not that we already don't have enough to deal with. So I get that top one done and let my wound get some air and just let it breath for a few hours. Looking at the wound it doesn't look any better than it did yesterday. I clean it with some saline and pack the other tunnels, then I put a layer of Destin on it. I take a pic and send it to a friend. Her response, it looks like you are frosting a cake and a little bit of strawberry filling didn't get covered. That made my day I laughed so hard at that. Just to let y'all know I take pics of my wound on a daily basis and when I have the wound vac as soon as she takes everything off then I get my pic.

Meet my new best friend part 2

Wednesday Oh my gracious please make the itching stop!!! Yes i have done Destin, cortizone 10 creme and rubbing it. The tubing is long, it keeps hitting my leg as I walk, hmmmm gonna have to figure out how to put it in my lovely case so it doesn't trip me. Hang on it's stuck on a cabinet knob, ok we are good now. Man when it gets around a knob it pulls on my stomach. Today is the first day of changing the wound vac. The itching is getting worse and I'm trying to ignore it. I take my meds that will help with the changing of it. Yay, i get to get a shower. I know crazy but you can only take showers on the days you are getting your wound vac changed. There is a process, you first must stop the machine from suctioning then turn off the machine then you make sure your clamps are in place on the tubing. Now make sure to be careful of the tubing thats hanging from your wound (in my case its my belly). If you take a shower on the days they are not changing the tubing out you run the risk of getting water in the tape and the black foam and then it sits there and you have a lot of moisture which creates germs and could cause infection. My home health nurse is here and shes great, I have the very best. She starts taking off tape, and then takes rhe foam out of the tunnels and then cleans it, now time to repack and yes more tape. I should have invested in tape. I feel like I am keeping the medical companies up n running. The top tunnel is my problem child and will cause me pain so why should today be any different. Thursday It's an off day, time to walk and get active. Wait where is the cross body strap, now I see it. The bag even has a place for my phone. The wound vac is easy to keep around as long as you are aware of the tubing and where it's at. This afternoon I'm headed out to whole foods with a couple of friends. Yes my new friend went with me. If people were looking I didn't notice. I did see where I can put the tubing at so it isn't as long and I'm not tripping over it. The itching is just out of control no matter what I do. I hope we figure it out soon. We stop by trader joes and same thing if people are looking I don't notice. Now to a restaurant food is delicious and my friend sits in a chair beside me. Now I'm home trying to sleep but the itching......if I scream do you think that will be ok?

Meet my new best friend

Week 1 Monday at 8 in the morning I get a call, my wound vac has been ordered and will shortly be on the way. By 9:30 the box my new best friend is in is here. Yay me (sarcasm included). By the evening time my home health nurse is here to get me attached to my wound vac. The top tunnel opening is still small so turn the q-tip around and use the stick end to put the white flexible foam in the tunnel. I look down and see all white sticking out of 5 holes, yes thats right 5 holes. There is tape everywhere to protect the new skin, don't want that messed up while trying to heal the tunnels. The black foam goes on and then yep you guessed it even more tape. My belly has already been itching now its doing it worse. Tuesday I had a doc appointment and I get in the car and my new best friend is beside my leg while I drive. My mind is constantly on where the hose is, dont want it to trip me. Wait I have to go to the bathroom, where's my friend? Ok ok i got it. Do you know where to put the wound vac at in a public bathroom? The only place is around your neck or cross it over your shoulder. Im not sticking my friend on the floor in a public bathroom!! Its lunch time and I'm hungry wait lets go to Panara Bread for bagels for breakfast. Hmmmm lets go inside this time to see what they have or if there is anything new. My best friend goes across my shoulders and some of the tubing is down. People walk by and look and some do a second take to see exactly what they are looking at. On a positive note my friend will hold my phone for me!! We are home now and again my mind is constantly on my new friend make sure you take it everywhere. My doc said yes it really is your ball'n chain

Thorns don't have to hurt?

As I go about my days, they are good but there is some tough ones thrown in. I look at the bricks that surround me and realize I think I went down some. Wait a minute the light looks further away. Why? I thought I was doing good. Why can't it be easy like in the beginning? Since I have traveled this road before I understand whats happening. See you do great in the beginning giving you a false sense of hope that it will stay that way. However as you travel up on those thorns you will get knocked down some. While the happiness you are feeling is slipping away, those old feelings of unworthiness, not good enough, well you get the picture. Anyways as those feeling start to come back now the real fun begins. It took me awhile to learn that even though I "loved" the instant gratification and the rush it wasnt lasting. The more I partook of the acts that lead to the rush the more I needed. I had to learn to love myself. I had to learn to like myself. I had to learn to encourage myself. I had to learn to be ok with who I am, but I had to learn who I was first. It was time to put the old away.  Now it's time to dig deep. it's time to get to the real issues and turn it around. Now lets get to why we feel the way we do. Why we do the things we do. We already know why we cut, snort, smoke, hit, sexual acts to get that adrenaline rush. That high that doesnt let you feel anything. So now I must learn why I do the things I do. It doesnt matter that I love the rush. It doesnt matter that I crave that rush. It's a moment of instant gratification that once This time I am not sure what happened to land me in the well back where I had second skin as a comfort but I also knew it was time to head back towards the light. This time its a bit harder than the first. This time though I have to fight a little harder, I have to work a little harder to get back to the light. So the thorns dont have to always hurt but you don't want them to stick around. You do not want to get comfortable with thorns. Their main purpose is to pierce the skin, so now lets use them to get higher up the well...

Thorns are strong

Wait a minute, these bricks look different. I see more light. What in the world is going on? I mean come on, I did a small step, I reached out and asked for help. I sent a simple text, I need a counseling session, essentially saying I need help. I look down and realize that the bottom isn't as close as it once was. I look up and amazed that I see more light. Could it really be this easy? Some would say it's a small step, others will say it's a huge step. Maybe just maybe it's a small step with huge ramifications. At this point though I dont really care bout it being a huge or small step. I am just tired of being in this hole while the thorns are holding me up. In the beginning they didn't hurt, they didnt poke however the longer I am with the thorns, I am starting to feel them. Its time. You can't just reach out to anyone, you have to be able to trust them, you have to feel safe with them. You have to know who will help even though everyone says they will but yet you know they can't. You have to pick someone that you know will give it to straight even if it hurts even if its uncomfortable. You reach out anyways!!! I am in the middle of my well, the thorns have helped since they are so strong. I am finally getting somewhere, I am finally going up. Its hard but not as hard as being down where I was before. This time though I know what I have to do to make it out, to make it to the light. I got this, or do I? Don't give up!!!! Reach out I promise its worth it. If you ever need me reach out, I will help if I can. Next up Vines are stronger

Thorns are holding me up

I am no longer strong enough to hold on. I am no longer attached to a rope. At this point the thorns are holding me up. Its suffocating me. It's in my throat trying to take my voice. It needs to take my voice. The battle is on the question is will I win? The first time to get out is the hardest at least at the time. You have never gotten out before. Depression, sadness, rejection, tears, second skin holds on tight, so therefore to actually attempt to do something different to think different.... Well it aint easy. Once you clear that well of darkness and make it to the light. Its like living for the first time ever in your life. You look at the sun, the moon different You look at people different. Your conversations and relationships are so much different. At this point you don't want to be around the negative, the toxic, the dark in fact you actually crave the light. Then BAM one day it hits you and you are sliding back down the well of darkness. Oh my what to do, what to do. You fight again to get out and this time you know what it takes to get out, you know what you have to do. As you are climbing out of the well of darkness, you find that you made it out quicker. Nobody knew, nobody suspected. You put a smile on your face and grinned at everyone you passed. You were happy at least that's what you tell yourself. Now you are standing on top of the well loving the light, loving being out again and loving life yet again. As time goes on you think you have it, but nevertheless one day BAM it hits again and this time it's aggressive. It's using everything to throw at you, your unlovable, your not worth it, you are a waste. It's everything you have fought before but this time it's a stranglehold on your voice. You can't ask for help. You can't speak. At this point you know if you do it just might destroy self. And in a moment of sanity, a moment just a small moment you make a call. You know what you need to do. It's no longer about want, it's about need at this point. The war rages inside and is slowly dragging you down the well of darkness. Before long you realize you are almost at the point of no return. You realize that you are on that one brick that could take you down further or boost you up. You see a glimpse of light, you look up. Finally you reach out to start the journey again to get out of the well of darkness.