It's not so hush-hush in my head

 Its easier in my head than what it use to be. To go back and let you in on what was in my head, I have to go back to those thoughts, those feelings. I have to make sure I can handle going back and still be ok. Today its definitely not as bad as it use to be but I still have to self check. Today I can usually get myself back from the brink but only because I have dealt, process and learned the truth.

Once you deal with depression, suicidial thoughts, lack of respect for self and low to no self worth, you realize how precious it is to protect your mind. Contrary to what people saw, I didnt have a normal childhood. I grew up wondering if my mother loved me. I grew up wondering what I did wrong and what did I have to do to be loved and accepted. I would often look at my siblings and think I sure wish I could be like them to get the love and acceptance that I thought they had.

To grow up like that, well as you can tell it was a a breeding ground for all kinds of bad thoughts. I grew to become a woman who would do anything to be liked let alone to be loved. The crazy stufff I did to be accepted, I didnt know how to be me. I didnt know who I was. I thought I had to prove myself time after time, just to get someone to like me. I did things....well i did things just to be loved.

I wasnt good enough. I wasnt good enough to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a lover, a partner. I just wasnt good enough no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did. I'm not sure when the negative thoughts started. As a child I would ask God if He could send my real mom because who was there couldnt be it. I remember thinking if I could just say the right words or do the rights things then it could be better. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for a lifetime of negativity and epic falls.

To the world and friends I put a smile on and had a great time. In my mind and in my room I took the smile off. My mind was second skin. It was comfortable to me, I knew what to do and what to expect at least then I did. If someone didn't talk to me, then they were mad at me. If someone didnt invite me then I wasnt good enough. If someone was distracted talking to me then I wasnt important enough. If someone didn't talk to me then it was up to me to make it right, I just knew I had done something wrong. I had to do everything I could, say the right words and then people, my friends, co-workers would like me.

It wasnt until therapy that I realized just how wrong all that was. My mind became a minefield of toxic explosives ready to suck me back in. I didnt know who I was or how to just be me. Every time I would make progress then I would step on a landmine. Usually someone had a bad day and didnt feel like talking, I would go right back to what my thought process was, except this time I would stay but not as long.

We had to go over the second skin thoughts we had to retrain my brain to understand. We had to take it a thought at a time and destroy it. I love to write so I wrote a 6 page letter on exactly what I thought of myself. It was completely filled with all negative. My counselor asked me to do a positive one and then made the comment I bet I dont even get one page. He was right of course, at that time I couldnt even do a full page of positive.

I tell you these things because you may think its hard or you couldn't do it but yet I know you can as long as you are willing to put in the time, the tears, the energy and the focus. I had help along the way with a counselor and very close friends. My counselor wanted me to ask my friends to write down 3 things they love/like about Melissa. I ended up with about 6 people doing it and they did more than 3. At that time I could believe some of what they said and the other things they said, well in my mind they wrote it because they had to or because someone else was going to read it so they had better make it good. Now I can tell you I do beleive what they wrote.

It took me a while to realize that no matter what others said good or bad, I would believe what I believe until my mind could think different. It took me a while to realize if I just start believing the good and believing in the good then it would be easier. Nowadays if I slip, I dont stay long in second skin. Its like uncomfortable, it doesnt fit me, it just feels weird. To do this writing and a few more I am just visiting that place........

Things dont really have to be hush-hush

 Going to see a counselor is not something most people talk about. Seeing a therapist isnt something people do. Going to go sit for an hour and talk to a stranger, well thats just not what you are suppose to do.

Granted there are therapist, counselors out there that just want to prescribe you meds and be done. Those types will not do you much good at healing your heart and your mind.

I had to see a counselor to get my mind in a healthy place. I had to see a counselor to get the thoughts straight in my head. I had to see a counselor to validate that what I was feeling was okay, that what I grew up with caused my mind to not be a healthy place. Suicide, negativity, poor decisions, shame, low self esteem, no self worth well you get the picture! Those are just some of the things I had to deal with in order to get healthy.

I didn't list regret because to do so would be to change who I am and while I may not be ok with all my decisions but the results did make me who I am today. I cringe at some of my decisions and not taking enough chances.

My decisions were based off of childhood tapes being played in my head on a continuous loop. I didnt have a clear understanding of just how much that tape had played in my decisions. I had no real clue as to how much it affected my life. It wasnt until I was sitting in front of a stranger to talk bout what was in my head for me to understand the magnitude of just what my childhood had done to me.

In the next few posts you will read bout how I had to overcome depression, shame, no self worth. You will see how I came to love myself and learn about self respect. You will get to see how much I have changed to become the somewhat healthy woman most people see today. I didn't do this alone, I had help from God, a couple of counselors and close friends

Why do things have to be hush-hush?

 Life is funny at times. When you have conversations with friends, it's different than when you talk to co-workers or even families. Then there is the conversations you have with your closes friend. So let me ask you a question, is everything on the table when you talk or do you just go to the line? Do you watch your words? Do you listen to hear or to speak back? Is any subject up for discussion?

I use to be one of those people who just listened, but I did listen so that I could help if I could. I use to be one of those people who would not discuss what was going on in my head, it was too scary at the time. I use to be one of those people that you just wasnt for sure bout what was going on, I was always helping others and being too active until there wasn't a choice but to confront what was in my head.

It was not easy getting help in the beginning, it wasnt easy to open up and talk bout what was in my head or maybe my heart of hearts. To allow someone to know my deepest pain. To allow someone to see the pain, the frustration was too much for me. No one ever listened before. No one ever took me seriously when I would talk bout what was in my heart and then I was expected to open up and talk? How?

How do I......

 How do I let you in when I myself just got in not long ago?

How do I let you in when I really dont let anyone in?

How do I let you in the pains for emotional abuse?

How do I let you in on the healing of it?

How do I let you in on sexual manipulation when I am still trying to wrap my head around it?

How do I let you in when I finally realize its not my fault even though I participated?

How do I let you in on the lack of love in my life?

How do I let you in when I am trying to still understand it myself?

How do I write to you so you can see a glimpse of the pain, heartache, and finally peace of dealing with all that and so much more?

Acceptance of a dream that had to die

Nov 1. 2019

A few years ago a medical decision had me saying I didn’t want children when in fact I wanted at least 2. Boys to be exact. Their names would have been Josef Malachi and Gavin Wayne (my dads middle name). I never got the chance to have children. I hear all the time I can adopt and while yes I can it’s just not the same. I struggled with that for a few years. It still hits from time to time but not as bad as in the beginning.

It was so bad I didn’t want to be around any babies, didn’t want to know what they had just learned or who was pregnant or baby showers. We are talking crying fits in stores because I would find myself in the baby department. It was all just a constant reminder I would never get to experience that. Then I thought I had it under control and would go crazy buying things for children. I have gotten better about it but they still all get more than what their moms expect. It’s ok because I’m allowed to. 

That feeling of not being able to have such a precious gift from God. I questioned why was I not good enough to have that? Am I such a bad person? I mean there are a lot of woman having children who don’t want them, or whatever, so why can they have them and I can’t? I just didn’t understand it and while I’m still not completely ok I am better bout it, and one of the ways I am ok with it is because I chose to look around me and realize what I do I wouldn’t be able to do or it would be limited. 

I get to be with B and give him my undivided attention, I get to be a blessing in their lives. I get to spend time with the boys, watch them grow and grow with them. I get to experience new things with them while they figure things out. I get to be excited to see the beautiful blonde little girl in the store who is about to become a big sister. I get to make her laugh and experience her excitement when she hears my voice, and I make her laugh. I get to get in the car and take off to anywhere the road takes me. I get to let little girls and boys play with my collection of bouncy balls and chase the balls as we throw them. I get to mentor a little boy who loves catching frogs. I get to get a coke for well he’s a young man now but when he was younger he wanted me to bring him a coke because it’s just so much better when Missey brings it. I get to hear the heartbeat of a beautiful strong little girl for the first time ever. I get to be the one who gives my undivided attention to the kids around me. 

I am not taking away from those women who have tried and exhausted all resources to have children. I can’t imagine the heartbreak of that, nor do I want. My heart goes out to you!!!!!!! I’m not taking away the pain of miscarriage or the pain of not being able to have children. I learned my decision bout 6 years ago. It has taken me till now to be okay, not great and definitely not good with it, just at a place where it’s manageable, acceptable. 

Changes n more changes

 So this last year has seen quite a few changes for me. A time to reflect and decide at least for the moment to see what direction I am heading to. This past year had me feeling all kinds of emotions from one extreme, to the next. Happiness, sadness, loss, not belonging, contemptment, angry, elation.... well you get the picture. I have decided to use my blog as a way to tell my story, to tell what’s in my head n heart.

  This year is about learning how to put what I have learned about me to use. This year is about being more aware of my body, my heart and soul. My intentions are to talk bout what has happened to me and what I have learned or learning. 

On he health update, I am NOW FULLY IN REMISSION!!!!! I have hit my 5 year mark. We have learned that I can’t have any dairy whatsoever or any kids nd of nuts. Do you know how hard it is to stay away from cheese???? You don’t even realize how much food has dairy n it. As for the food issues that is still a struggle but hopefully it gets better soon. 

Stay tuned to upcoming post like motherless love, binging, discipline, mood swings and getting older isn’t always easier....

Peace out Tater Tot

I may be down but I'm not out

   So today I am so excited and I will tell you why. Three years ago a friend was coming into town to visit and I had no clue as to what directions n my life was about to take. I went in to have one surgery only to find out I had a rare cancer and that I needed another surgery in the next coming weeks. They found 2 rare tumors and caused a delay in chemo and radiation. It has been nonstop until today!!

  I was in my corner boxing gloves on, I was ready for this fight. I had been preparing for a few years before and never realized what was happening. I came out of my corner ready, dancing from side to side and bouncing hitting my gloves together ready to throw the first punch. I got punched and didn't see it coming, I got punched right in the stomach, see I had to sign away my rights to have children. I signed the paper with tears in my eyes but I wouldn't let them fall, I had to be strong. I couldn't let one punch keep me down. So I came up swinging and making sure to keep my face guarded, this way if I cried nobody would see. Keep your hands in front of your face firm so no one sees your heart break into a million pieces. I made sure to start fighting back, it took me a few but I managed to fight and hit where it hurts. Skip ahead to now this day, I can say that while I do get upset and my heart shatters as new babies are making there entrance around me, I have started to find a peace inside that makes it okay. 

  So as I return to my corner to wipe the sweat and tears away, I am being prepared for the next few hits and boy did they hit hard. The bell rings and I come out fast paced and ready to dodge anything thrown at me. Unfortunately I don't duck fast enough I get knocked in the face and just about fall down only to be hit in the side and then I get hit in my side again, man those hits hurt. I tried to block, I tried to protect myself but I am not fast enough. The bell rings and I make it back to my corner where I am looked at and tended to. I have people in my corner and they have their positions to do, they know which part is theirs to help me. They come in fast and help me recover, and this time it took a bit of time to recover but I recovered enough that I could go back in and fight and that's exactly what I did. So I fight and this time around I am throwing punches, and ducking. I'm doing the bob n weave, man I got the footwork along with. I am amazing in the ring. The bell tolls and we go back to our respective corners and do a bit of refreshing. The bell rings again for us to fight again and this time I'm still bob n weaving, fancy footwork, and throwing my punches and making them count. 

    I have fought for so long and tried my best to protect me but I got hit in the kidneys, I got hit in the stomach, I got hit in the face, blow after blow and finally I start to slow down. I start to miss my punches, I start falling down on protecting myself. I am now crawling to my corner, sweat dripping, face bruised, body unrecognizable, no more strength to stand, no more strength to fight. I am down for the count but I'm not done......     I want to go in and fight but I am held back, I feel like I am ready, I feel like I have my strength, I feel like new or so I think. I go back in against the wishes of those around me and I get hit again over n over in the kidneys. This time I am down and there's no way I can get up from this, there's no way I can even make it to my corner, somehow I manage to crawl slowly back to my corner and this time I realize I must stay put, there's no way I can stand and fight this time around. So I stay down and I mend, I get the help I need to get back up to fight except this time it takes longer because I didn't listen and stayed down when I should have. So now I have been down and recovering. 

    Today is the day I get to stand up and possibly make my way out of my corner. I am standing but yet not ready to get back in the ring but don't worry the day is around the corner that I will be able to walk out of my corner and bounce back n forth on my feet, knocking my gloves together ready to fight, but be prepared this time I aim to win and knock you down so that you never get back up again. I will be the conqueror I was I intended to be......

Stay tune this fight has just begun