Changes n more changes

 So this last year has seen quite a few changes for me. A time to reflect and decide at least for the moment to see what direction I am heading to. This past year had me feeling all kinds of emotions from one extreme, to the next. Happiness, sadness, loss, not belonging, contemptment, angry, elation.... well you get the picture. I have decided to use my blog as a way to tell my story, to tell what’s in my head n heart.

  This year is about learning how to put what I have learned about me to use. This year is about being more aware of my body, my heart and soul. My intentions are to talk bout what has happened to me and what I have learned or learning. 

On he health update, I am NOW FULLY IN REMISSION!!!!! I have hit my 5 year mark. We have learned that I can’t have any dairy whatsoever or any kids nd of nuts. Do you know how hard it is to stay away from cheese???? You don’t even realize how much food has dairy n it. As for the food issues that is still a struggle but hopefully it gets better soon. 

Stay tuned to upcoming post like motherless love, binging, discipline, mood swings and getting older isn’t always easier....

Peace out Tater Tot

I may be down but I'm not out

   So today I am so excited and I will tell you why. Three years ago a friend was coming into town to visit and I had no clue as to what directions n my life was about to take. I went in to have one surgery only to find out I had a rare cancer and that I needed another surgery in the next coming weeks. They found 2 rare tumors and caused a delay in chemo and radiation. It has been nonstop until today!!

  I was in my corner boxing gloves on, I was ready for this fight. I had been preparing for a few years before and never realized what was happening. I came out of my corner ready, dancing from side to side and bouncing hitting my gloves together ready to throw the first punch. I got punched and didn't see it coming, I got punched right in the stomach, see I had to sign away my rights to have children. I signed the paper with tears in my eyes but I wouldn't let them fall, I had to be strong. I couldn't let one punch keep me down. So I came up swinging and making sure to keep my face guarded, this way if I cried nobody would see. Keep your hands in front of your face firm so no one sees your heart break into a million pieces. I made sure to start fighting back, it took me a few but I managed to fight and hit where it hurts. Skip ahead to now this day, I can say that while I do get upset and my heart shatters as new babies are making there entrance around me, I have started to find a peace inside that makes it okay. 

  So as I return to my corner to wipe the sweat and tears away, I am being prepared for the next few hits and boy did they hit hard. The bell rings and I come out fast paced and ready to dodge anything thrown at me. Unfortunately I don't duck fast enough I get knocked in the face and just about fall down only to be hit in the side and then I get hit in my side again, man those hits hurt. I tried to block, I tried to protect myself but I am not fast enough. The bell rings and I make it back to my corner where I am looked at and tended to. I have people in my corner and they have their positions to do, they know which part is theirs to help me. They come in fast and help me recover, and this time it took a bit of time to recover but I recovered enough that I could go back in and fight and that's exactly what I did. So I fight and this time around I am throwing punches, and ducking. I'm doing the bob n weave, man I got the footwork along with. I am amazing in the ring. The bell tolls and we go back to our respective corners and do a bit of refreshing. The bell rings again for us to fight again and this time I'm still bob n weaving, fancy footwork, and throwing my punches and making them count. 

    I have fought for so long and tried my best to protect me but I got hit in the kidneys, I got hit in the stomach, I got hit in the face, blow after blow and finally I start to slow down. I start to miss my punches, I start falling down on protecting myself. I am now crawling to my corner, sweat dripping, face bruised, body unrecognizable, no more strength to stand, no more strength to fight. I am down for the count but I'm not done......     I want to go in and fight but I am held back, I feel like I am ready, I feel like I have my strength, I feel like new or so I think. I go back in against the wishes of those around me and I get hit again over n over in the kidneys. This time I am down and there's no way I can get up from this, there's no way I can even make it to my corner, somehow I manage to crawl slowly back to my corner and this time I realize I must stay put, there's no way I can stand and fight this time around. So I stay down and I mend, I get the help I need to get back up to fight except this time it takes longer because I didn't listen and stayed down when I should have. So now I have been down and recovering. 

    Today is the day I get to stand up and possibly make my way out of my corner. I am standing but yet not ready to get back in the ring but don't worry the day is around the corner that I will be able to walk out of my corner and bounce back n forth on my feet, knocking my gloves together ready to fight, but be prepared this time I aim to win and knock you down so that you never get back up again. I will be the conqueror I was I intended to be......

Stay tune this fight has just begun

     

Rawness

I will try my best not but I make no promises.....its not that I want ordinary day to day life but this is all just too much. I am strong but I am weak. I am a fighter but yet can not fight, I am tired but yet can not stop. I am getting up but yet don't know how much longer. I am sure there's a test in this for me and yet I feel like I have failed. I have tried to hang on and yet it may be the tinest knot and yet I'm still hanging on somehow...... I am not done but yet I feel like I am done. My life is mine but yet it is not.

No choice just get up

    You have pains, Get up.
    You are tired, Get up.
    You don't think you can go one more step, Get up
    You have no encouragement, Get up.
    You are weak, Get up.
    You are tired of holding on, Get up.

   Obligations, people pulling, too much to do, not enough time, no answers, loneliness, fatigue, pain, people telling you to be positive, day to day expections, etc.......

    I'm sure there's more but you get the picture. I was talking to another "superwoman" although like me She doesn't claim the title, anywho as we were talking I felt like she understood even though her battles are completely different than mine. The same basic concept was there though. We get tired, we don't want to fight anymore, we want to wave the "white" flag and call it a day. Only when we say that people start trying to encourage us and while that is great and by all means we truly appreciate it. Please keep the encouragement coming.

     Here's the thing, I for one am tired. I have been struggling for years Spiritually, physically and most especially mentally. The tiredness I have goes far beyond sleeping for a few days. I'm like my other superwoman, I want to sit in the middle of a room and just wave the white flag. I realize that as a child I missed out on some very important things that every child needs and while I am an adult that little girl still likes to come out and play and with her comes the insecurities of not being loved, or not being good enough, add in all the damage that has happened to my body and I Am very quickly wanting to go be with Jesus and my Dad, where there is no more pain, no more tears, and where I am loved without a shadow of a doubt. I'm hoping that one day that little girl will get what's she been looking for. Don't get me wrong I would love to wave that white flag but then I am reminded that another day is fast approaching and things need to be done. Until then......


  I will wake up and just get up. I may be in pain but it doesn't matter, I will get up, I may be exhausted but I will get up. I may be lonely and feeling the way I do but I will get up. I will have my insecurities but I will still get up. See that's what I do, I don't know any other way. I have always just pushed me aside, my questions, my pain, my insecurities and I GET UP and go, it's all I know. You can call me strong, call me whatever you want, I just do what I have to. I have no choice, I just GET UP and go.

Just a few truths

     You know at times I feel like I am doing my "mask" excerises for human video. 
So right now I have the mask that everything is great when in truth if I could just go to sleep and wake up in Heaven where I have no more pain, where my body is perfect and not damaged, where I can actually run and not fall, where I can sit and eat a meal without worrying bout being nauseated or gonna puke it up, where love surrounds at all times, where I can actually rest because I have done this world by myself for so long, where I can crawl up in Jesus lap and nobody make fun of me or forget me. Now that I took my mask of for a minute, it's time to put my happy mask back on.

    I suffer in silence because all around me everybody is busy living life, struggling through their own issues, while mine has been the same for a few years now. I am so tired of this merry go around, I have no clue how to get off so I just hold on tight. At times it goes in circles fast and then faster and then other times it slows down to a crawl. I keep hearing just hold on you are almost there. My grip is so tight on the pole, my fingers will have to be pried off. I keep hanging on because it's all I know to do. The merry go around picks up speed, my arms are tired, my body aches, my soul hurts, I try to keep a smile on my face but even that at times is to much energy. I look both ways but all around me is a blur. How do I get off this merry go around without losing my sanity

No need to feel sorry for me

   Too many thoughts that are running together but yet can't come out. I asked one time if I screamed could you hear me? Now I have no energy to scream, my voice is gone. It's not that I am scared but I have no energy, I have no strength. My strength is evaporating, my will power is seeping out of my bones faster than I can build it up. My screams have turned into whispers. My cries are now whimpers. I am no longer happy but angry. I am no longer saying "it's okay" because it is no longer okay. My wish is to be gutted open so that somebody somewhere can figure out what is going on so that I can be fixed and can start living again. 

    To look at me you see health, you see changes, but the outside doesn't reflect the inside. The inside is filled with polyps, it's filled with knots, loops and all the wrong things. You don't see it because I do not allow you to see it. I do not allow most people to see the hurt, the anger and the frustration that comes with dealing with more medical issues than I know what to do with right now. I have been on a medical journey for 2 years now and heading into my third year. I'm not for sure what exactly is going on other than this journey is not for me but for those around me. 

    I now get so tired at the drop of a hat, I get to a point where I can not stand still for very long, I must sit down. The exhaustion has crept in and won't let go. There have been days at work where I just sit in my office and cry because I just don't have the strength or the will power to fight any longer. I reach out to others that I know that will pray. I try to stay positive, I try to keep my head up, I try to move forward. My legs feel like anchors that are anchored in the cement and showing no signs of letting up. My arms are weak, my voice is a whisper. My heart beats but it has beats of sadness. My smile is not seen as often as it should, my laughter all but gone unless I am with a child that makes me genuinely smile and laugh. No offense to the adults.

   I don't ask how much more for fear that I will be tested to find out. I am ready to be done but obviously it is not time. I have faith do not get wrong, Gods hands have been all in this and will continue to be in this. I know where my Help comes from, I know where my Healer is. I know that I win either way, that doesn't mean I am giving it up it just means I have peace. Yes there are days where I really do want to give up, yes I do have days where I lay my head on my desk in my office and just ask God to take me please, but as you can see He hasn't done that just yet. No I am not a quitter but you reach a certain point that you just want to shout stop. I have even contemplated stopping all doctors. No I haven't given up on them either it's just my life revolves around appointments and doctor visits. 

  Someone once told me she felt sorry for me because I had/have no life and while she is right I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. For whatever reason I am on this journey and while right now I am frustrated and angry it's ok. Right now and after 2 years of being strong, happy, positive, I get to be frustrated and a bit angry. Don't feel sorry for me because my life has stopped while those around me has went on. Yes my life stopped about 2 years ago now, not by my choice but it did stop. I can't plan ahead, I can't see my grandparents, I can't just get up and go anymore, I have to plan my days by how much I am pushing my body. I have to plan everything I do around my appointments and whether or not I am tired or in pain. I can no longer push my body the way I use to. Even though I have somewhat slowed down, please don't feel sorry for me. I look around and realize that everyone around me has moved on, nothing wrong with that, I'm glad and thankful they have. At times I get frustrated with why I can't move on but I am learning to stand still. I am learning to just wait. Not my strong suit but I am trying. 

    I'm learning that most people have no clue as to what to say or do when they ask me what is going on. Want me to let you in on a secret, there is no right words or no right actions that can help. Stop feeling guilty and stop being scared of saying some thing to me. The worse thing you can do to me is to be quiet. I understand it is difficult for those around me, for those that love me. I know that while you all want to help I am learning that one of my love languages is quality time spent with those I love. It doesn't have to be out doing anything, I am just fine with hanging out, I am just fine being around ya. 

    So as you go about your day and you see people walking past you just give them a genuine smile, it will truly brighten their day. As you go about your day and you see someone you know stop and ask them how they are doing and truly listen. I know that we all get busy doing things but you never know who you will run into that may need a smile or a listening ear. Just be genuine with them, that goes a lot further than you pretending. When there are no words to say, just smile at them and let them know that you are thinking about them. 

Peace out Tater Tot

Duh Moment

   So today as I was hanging tags and talking to God, I had one of those "aha moments". I have to go back to Oct 31, 2013 and explain. So Oct 31 I had just had one surgery and this was the day I was getting my staples removed. I was woke up by His voice and He said "this battle is not for you but those around you", well I heard it and then went back to sleep. I was woke up again about 7:45 and the voice was loud and clear like it was in my room. My response was "alright God I heard ya". So I went back to sleep only to be woken up by Dr. C's office, they wanted me to come in about 3:30 that afternoon the doc needed to talk to me. Honestly at that time and with the word I had just gotten I really thought they were going to tell me I had endometriosis. So I had peace and went back to sleep. 

   It has been about 2 years and I have had one medical thing after another since then.  Today I remember the word I was given 2 years ago and realized that just because I was done with chemo and radiation didn't mean that the word was done. I realized today that while I have had one thing after another that this very well may be exactly what He was talking about. My body hasn't had time to heal before I am right back in the docs office with something else that has to be taken care of. 

   I got it in my head that since I was done with chemo and radiation that my life would get back to some kind of normalcy. I thought that I had done the word I was given well. Boy did I get knocked on the head today. Just because I think it should be done doesn't mean that He wants it to be done. Everything I have been through is all part of this journey. All the testing, the diagnosis, the waiting, the time, the energy, the sleepless nites, the tears (yes at times I really do cry), the sadness, the loneliness. Well you get the picture. Everything in the past 2 years has been apart of this word that I was given. At times I forgot about the word I was given not on purpose but in my mind the word was done. I am sure that at times I have failed which is gonna happen. 

     Don't get me wrong, I have had people come up to me and tell me that they admired me because I have kept a positive attitude towards all of this, I have had a few tell me that I have done well through this journey so far.  I have done my best to keep a positive attitude throughout all of this. There has been a few times that I got discouraged over every thing that has taken place so far. During those times I have had someone lift me up with a word or even an encouraging text, you gotta do it so you mind as well deal with it. As I embark on yet another appointment I will keep in mind that this journey isn't necessarily for me but for those around me. 

Peace out 

Tater tot