Rawness

I will try my best not but I make no promises.....its not that I want ordinary day to day life but this is all just too much. I am strong but I am weak. I am a fighter but yet can not fight, I am tired but yet can not stop. I am getting up but yet don't know how much longer. I am sure there's a test in this for me and yet I feel like I have failed. I have tried to hang on and yet it may be the tinest knot and yet I'm still hanging on somehow...... I am not done but yet I feel like I am done. My life is mine but yet it is not.

No choice just get up

    You have pains, Get up.
    You are tired, Get up.
    You don't think you can go one more step, Get up
    You have no encouragement, Get up.
    You are weak, Get up.
    You are tired of holding on, Get up.

   Obligations, people pulling, too much to do, not enough time, no answers, loneliness, fatigue, pain, people telling you to be positive, day to day expections, etc.......

    I'm sure there's more but you get the picture. I was talking to another "superwoman" although like me She doesn't claim the title, anywho as we were talking I felt like she understood even though her battles are completely different than mine. The same basic concept was there though. We get tired, we don't want to fight anymore, we want to wave the "white" flag and call it a day. Only when we say that people start trying to encourage us and while that is great and by all means we truly appreciate it. Please keep the encouragement coming.

     Here's the thing, I for one am tired. I have been struggling for years Spiritually, physically and most especially mentally. The tiredness I have goes far beyond sleeping for a few days. I'm like my other superwoman, I want to sit in the middle of a room and just wave the white flag. I realize that as a child I missed out on some very important things that every child needs and while I am an adult that little girl still likes to come out and play and with her comes the insecurities of not being loved, or not being good enough, add in all the damage that has happened to my body and I Am very quickly wanting to go be with Jesus and my Dad, where there is no more pain, no more tears, and where I am loved without a shadow of a doubt. I'm hoping that one day that little girl will get what's she been looking for. Don't get me wrong I would love to wave that white flag but then I am reminded that another day is fast approaching and things need to be done. Until then......


  I will wake up and just get up. I may be in pain but it doesn't matter, I will get up, I may be exhausted but I will get up. I may be lonely and feeling the way I do but I will get up. I will have my insecurities but I will still get up. See that's what I do, I don't know any other way. I have always just pushed me aside, my questions, my pain, my insecurities and I GET UP and go, it's all I know. You can call me strong, call me whatever you want, I just do what I have to. I have no choice, I just GET UP and go.

Just a few truths

     You know at times I feel like I am doing my "mask" excerises for human video. 
So right now I have the mask that everything is great when in truth if I could just go to sleep and wake up in Heaven where I have no more pain, where my body is perfect and not damaged, where I can actually run and not fall, where I can sit and eat a meal without worrying bout being nauseated or gonna puke it up, where love surrounds at all times, where I can actually rest because I have done this world by myself for so long, where I can crawl up in Jesus lap and nobody make fun of me or forget me. Now that I took my mask of for a minute, it's time to put my happy mask back on.

    I suffer in silence because all around me everybody is busy living life, struggling through their own issues, while mine has been the same for a few years now. I am so tired of this merry go around, I have no clue how to get off so I just hold on tight. At times it goes in circles fast and then faster and then other times it slows down to a crawl. I keep hearing just hold on you are almost there. My grip is so tight on the pole, my fingers will have to be pried off. I keep hanging on because it's all I know to do. The merry go around picks up speed, my arms are tired, my body aches, my soul hurts, I try to keep a smile on my face but even that at times is to much energy. I look both ways but all around me is a blur. How do I get off this merry go around without losing my sanity

No need to feel sorry for me

   Too many thoughts that are running together but yet can't come out. I asked one time if I screamed could you hear me? Now I have no energy to scream, my voice is gone. It's not that I am scared but I have no energy, I have no strength. My strength is evaporating, my will power is seeping out of my bones faster than I can build it up. My screams have turned into whispers. My cries are now whimpers. I am no longer happy but angry. I am no longer saying "it's okay" because it is no longer okay. My wish is to be gutted open so that somebody somewhere can figure out what is going on so that I can be fixed and can start living again. 

    To look at me you see health, you see changes, but the outside doesn't reflect the inside. The inside is filled with polyps, it's filled with knots, loops and all the wrong things. You don't see it because I do not allow you to see it. I do not allow most people to see the hurt, the anger and the frustration that comes with dealing with more medical issues than I know what to do with right now. I have been on a medical journey for 2 years now and heading into my third year. I'm not for sure what exactly is going on other than this journey is not for me but for those around me. 

    I now get so tired at the drop of a hat, I get to a point where I can not stand still for very long, I must sit down. The exhaustion has crept in and won't let go. There have been days at work where I just sit in my office and cry because I just don't have the strength or the will power to fight any longer. I reach out to others that I know that will pray. I try to stay positive, I try to keep my head up, I try to move forward. My legs feel like anchors that are anchored in the cement and showing no signs of letting up. My arms are weak, my voice is a whisper. My heart beats but it has beats of sadness. My smile is not seen as often as it should, my laughter all but gone unless I am with a child that makes me genuinely smile and laugh. No offense to the adults.

   I don't ask how much more for fear that I will be tested to find out. I am ready to be done but obviously it is not time. I have faith do not get wrong, Gods hands have been all in this and will continue to be in this. I know where my Help comes from, I know where my Healer is. I know that I win either way, that doesn't mean I am giving it up it just means I have peace. Yes there are days where I really do want to give up, yes I do have days where I lay my head on my desk in my office and just ask God to take me please, but as you can see He hasn't done that just yet. No I am not a quitter but you reach a certain point that you just want to shout stop. I have even contemplated stopping all doctors. No I haven't given up on them either it's just my life revolves around appointments and doctor visits. 

  Someone once told me she felt sorry for me because I had/have no life and while she is right I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. For whatever reason I am on this journey and while right now I am frustrated and angry it's ok. Right now and after 2 years of being strong, happy, positive, I get to be frustrated and a bit angry. Don't feel sorry for me because my life has stopped while those around me has went on. Yes my life stopped about 2 years ago now, not by my choice but it did stop. I can't plan ahead, I can't see my grandparents, I can't just get up and go anymore, I have to plan my days by how much I am pushing my body. I have to plan everything I do around my appointments and whether or not I am tired or in pain. I can no longer push my body the way I use to. Even though I have somewhat slowed down, please don't feel sorry for me. I look around and realize that everyone around me has moved on, nothing wrong with that, I'm glad and thankful they have. At times I get frustrated with why I can't move on but I am learning to stand still. I am learning to just wait. Not my strong suit but I am trying. 

    I'm learning that most people have no clue as to what to say or do when they ask me what is going on. Want me to let you in on a secret, there is no right words or no right actions that can help. Stop feeling guilty and stop being scared of saying some thing to me. The worse thing you can do to me is to be quiet. I understand it is difficult for those around me, for those that love me. I know that while you all want to help I am learning that one of my love languages is quality time spent with those I love. It doesn't have to be out doing anything, I am just fine with hanging out, I am just fine being around ya. 

    So as you go about your day and you see people walking past you just give them a genuine smile, it will truly brighten their day. As you go about your day and you see someone you know stop and ask them how they are doing and truly listen. I know that we all get busy doing things but you never know who you will run into that may need a smile or a listening ear. Just be genuine with them, that goes a lot further than you pretending. When there are no words to say, just smile at them and let them know that you are thinking about them. 

Peace out Tater Tot

Duh Moment

   So today as I was hanging tags and talking to God, I had one of those "aha moments". I have to go back to Oct 31, 2013 and explain. So Oct 31 I had just had one surgery and this was the day I was getting my staples removed. I was woke up by His voice and He said "this battle is not for you but those around you", well I heard it and then went back to sleep. I was woke up again about 7:45 and the voice was loud and clear like it was in my room. My response was "alright God I heard ya". So I went back to sleep only to be woken up by Dr. C's office, they wanted me to come in about 3:30 that afternoon the doc needed to talk to me. Honestly at that time and with the word I had just gotten I really thought they were going to tell me I had endometriosis. So I had peace and went back to sleep. 

   It has been about 2 years and I have had one medical thing after another since then.  Today I remember the word I was given 2 years ago and realized that just because I was done with chemo and radiation didn't mean that the word was done. I realized today that while I have had one thing after another that this very well may be exactly what He was talking about. My body hasn't had time to heal before I am right back in the docs office with something else that has to be taken care of. 

   I got it in my head that since I was done with chemo and radiation that my life would get back to some kind of normalcy. I thought that I had done the word I was given well. Boy did I get knocked on the head today. Just because I think it should be done doesn't mean that He wants it to be done. Everything I have been through is all part of this journey. All the testing, the diagnosis, the waiting, the time, the energy, the sleepless nites, the tears (yes at times I really do cry), the sadness, the loneliness. Well you get the picture. Everything in the past 2 years has been apart of this word that I was given. At times I forgot about the word I was given not on purpose but in my mind the word was done. I am sure that at times I have failed which is gonna happen. 

     Don't get me wrong, I have had people come up to me and tell me that they admired me because I have kept a positive attitude towards all of this, I have had a few tell me that I have done well through this journey so far.  I have done my best to keep a positive attitude throughout all of this. There has been a few times that I got discouraged over every thing that has taken place so far. During those times I have had someone lift me up with a word or even an encouraging text, you gotta do it so you mind as well deal with it. As I embark on yet another appointment I will keep in mind that this journey isn't necessarily for me but for those around me. 

Peace out 

Tater tot

Acceptance hopefully????

   As my birthday draws near I am reminded of dreams that will never see the light of day. I am reminded that another year has passed and I look back and realize a lot of things has happened and I have grown. This is a tough blog to write but I'm gonna try to do it right.....

   About 3 years ago I had to sign away my right to have children. I wasn't happy but medically speaking it was for the best. I want to talk about what happened afterwards and it still happens today. Today as I got done mentoring a delightful 10 year old who loves to catch frogs and lizards and has recruited me to help him. I went to go do a bit of window shopping and as I was in one store, I went to the baby section just looking and then I ended up crying and buying a few things for some precious children. 

    After I signed away my right, I had to learn to accept that decision and be okay but I wasn't. I was angry at God because I couldn't understand why He didn't trust me enough to let me have one of His precious gifts. I was resentful and envious all at the same time. I was resentful because I wasn't ever going to have children the natural way. I was envious because as I watched all the moms with their children and the love and affection shown. I wanted a chance to prove I could do it, I wanted a chance to leave a different legacy than what my mother tried to leave me with. During this time I heard in church how there was a couple that they were all praying for to get pregnant and then when they did it was called a precious gift. I couldn't understand why I wasn't worthy enough of that same precious gift. Another thing I heard while I was trying to accept that decision was you will be a great mom to an orphaned child or to my husbands children. You have it in you to love someone's child as if they were my own. Here's the problem with that in a nut shell, I can't love them as if they were my own because I have never experienced getting pregnant and giving birth. Do not get me wrong I do love the children I am around and I will kill someone if they ever hurt them. I mean that with every fiber of my being. 

     So as the days turned into months and then a year I was getting a grasp on my decision. However there are times when I look at a lady who is pregnant and get a little teary-eyed because even though I am better accepting my decision the pain is still there. I'm not for sure if the pain will ever go away or will it just lessen some year after year. So today I did some retail therapy and my reasoning was plain n simple - since I can't have children I will buy for those around me - I saw the cutest onesie for a newborn and bought the cutest shirts for some boys I know. As I shopped I would stop and just drop my head because I would start to cry and when it ended I would go back to shopping again. I don't do this often but when I do it puts a smile on my face. 

    I am no longer angry at God, as I am sure He has a very good purpose for not allowing me to experience a miracle. As I was learning to accept that I really was not ever gonna have children due to I am completely void of any of the internal parts of a woman. Bam I get hit with another rarity (if it's rare it happens to me) I have a rare disease called Puetz-Jeghers Syndrome and as my genetics nurse was talking to me she informed me that I could go ahead and have a double mastocomy. My response was a quick hold on. I mean I have given up the right to give birth, then I have every female organ removed and now you want to take my Ta-Ta's???? I told her no way as I am already feeling the effects of no female organs and you want to do what??? I do not mean to offend anyone as I am sure there is someone somewhere that has it all gone and I sit here and I can empathize with you. 

    So today as I did my retail therapy I have accepted that when these kinds of moments hit, I will just go shopping and that usually ends up with me smiling. 

This was wrote 2 days before my birthday last year and while I have accepted the decision that I will never give birth to my child, at times I find myself at a loss or very sad when I see babies and or toddlers. I'm not for sure if the pain ever goes away but I am learning to adjust to it or at least I hope I am.........until then I will continue my retail therapy and my "children" will have some cool things coming their way.....

Until next time....

Peace Out Tater Tot......

Late nite talks with....well self

    So for the past few days I have been trying to come up with a title and something to write about in my blog since I have not written in what seems like forever. I have had writers block for the past few months along with dealing with some minor health issues. As I was driving from Wilmington this afternoon after an appointment, I had so many thoughts and questions, so this is just gonna be one of those that may make you think or laugh.  So here are some of the thoughts and questions....

     What gives you that endorphin rush? For me it's getting a new tattoo, getting a piercing, doing something I have always wanted to do but haven't done it yet. For instance I have been wanting to go on the skywheel, and of course it's oh yeah let's do it but yet it doesn't get done, so this year for my birthday I will go on the sky wheel even if I have to go alone. I will actually make it to see a sunrise this year. 

     What makes you feel confident? Is it your favorite jeans? Makeup or a great hair day? For me it's chinos and a bright shirt and the smile that lets the world know I am getting ready to conquer it!!! Another thought as I was driving back to work is I want to do a post on or around my birthday but I am hesitant because I am sure a family member or members will get offended. In doing my blog my intentions is not to offend anybody even though I know it isn't quite possible to please everyone. 

    Seasons in one's life, we have all go through them even if we don't recognize them or go running through them. Someone told me this morning maybe I am going through the "winter" season, hibernation breeds detachment and isolation usually and most times to better self at the end of the season. Other thoughts range from.....

      Laughing at myself because last nite as I was driving home, I started looking for my keys, yep go back and read at again. I did and I laugh every time. Laughter is really good for the soul, I do know that I have laughed more in the last few weeks due to a kindred spirit. As I walk through the store doing my job and speaking or at least trying to speak to everyone, you have no clue as to what another is going through. Usually when we laugh at work a customer will laugh with us. I think about new life and how at times I am still trying to accept at I will never get to experience it. I am by far a lot better at accepting that than what I was. 

     All day today I have done nothing but think of this dream I had last nite. It was so vivid and so detailed that even now I can see what is going on. I am gonna have to write that one down and get someone to interrupt it for me. Sleep does not come as easy as before but yet I have always had issues with sleep. Do not get me wrong I love sleep. I love my bed and there are times that I have to make an effort to be friends with my bed just so I can get a decent nites sleep. Of course the lack of sleep could be due to all the thoughts that run through my head, or it could be all the meds I am taking...

   It has been real hard for me to have writers block, words are my life and my life is words. I can describe my life and my thoughts so much better with words. I miss my Dad. I am learning that I can have a healthy balance in my life and everything will still be okay. There are a few things I am struggling wi and ,Anne one day I will write them down for you and share them. So for now, keep your thoughts going who knows what you may stumble on. I know you are reading this and we need to do coffee soon. So for now I leave you with do something today that you would not normally do.......

Until next time

Later Tater Tot