How do I......

 How do I let you in when I myself just got in not long ago?

How do I let you in when I really dont let anyone in?

How do I let you in the pains for emotional abuse?

How do I let you in on the healing of it?

How do I let you in on sexual manipulation when I am still trying to wrap my head around it?

How do I let you in when I finally realize its not my fault even though I participated?

How do I let you in on the lack of love in my life?

How do I let you in when I am trying to still understand it myself?

How do I write to you so you can see a glimpse of the pain, heartache, and finally peace of dealing with all that and so much more?

Acceptance of a dream that had to die

Nov 1. 2019

A few years ago a medical decision had me saying I didn’t want children when in fact I wanted at least 2. Boys to be exact. Their names would have been Josef Malachi and Gavin Wayne (my dads middle name). I never got the chance to have children. I hear all the time I can adopt and while yes I can it’s just not the same. I struggled with that for a few years. It still hits from time to time but not as bad as in the beginning.

It was so bad I didn’t want to be around any babies, didn’t want to know what they had just learned or who was pregnant or baby showers. We are talking crying fits in stores because I would find myself in the baby department. It was all just a constant reminder I would never get to experience that. Then I thought I had it under control and would go crazy buying things for children. I have gotten better about it but they still all get more than what their moms expect. It’s ok because I’m allowed to. 

That feeling of not being able to have such a precious gift from God. I questioned why was I not good enough to have that? Am I such a bad person? I mean there are a lot of woman having children who don’t want them, or whatever, so why can they have them and I can’t? I just didn’t understand it and while I’m still not completely ok I am better bout it, and one of the ways I am ok with it is because I chose to look around me and realize what I do I wouldn’t be able to do or it would be limited. 

I get to be with B and give him my undivided attention, I get to be a blessing in their lives. I get to spend time with the boys, watch them grow and grow with them. I get to experience new things with them while they figure things out. I get to be excited to see the beautiful blonde little girl in the store who is about to become a big sister. I get to make her laugh and experience her excitement when she hears my voice, and I make her laugh. I get to get in the car and take off to anywhere the road takes me. I get to let little girls and boys play with my collection of bouncy balls and chase the balls as we throw them. I get to mentor a little boy who loves catching frogs. I get to get a coke for well he’s a young man now but when he was younger he wanted me to bring him a coke because it’s just so much better when Missey brings it. I get to hear the heartbeat of a beautiful strong little girl for the first time ever. I get to be the one who gives my undivided attention to the kids around me. 

I am not taking away from those women who have tried and exhausted all resources to have children. I can’t imagine the heartbreak of that, nor do I want. My heart goes out to you!!!!!!! I’m not taking away the pain of miscarriage or the pain of not being able to have children. I learned my decision bout 6 years ago. It has taken me till now to be okay, not great and definitely not good with it, just at a place where it’s manageable, acceptable. 

Changes n more changes

 So this last year has seen quite a few changes for me. A time to reflect and decide at least for the moment to see what direction I am heading to. This past year had me feeling all kinds of emotions from one extreme, to the next. Happiness, sadness, loss, not belonging, contemptment, angry, elation.... well you get the picture. I have decided to use my blog as a way to tell my story, to tell what’s in my head n heart.

  This year is about learning how to put what I have learned about me to use. This year is about being more aware of my body, my heart and soul. My intentions are to talk bout what has happened to me and what I have learned or learning. 

On he health update, I am NOW FULLY IN REMISSION!!!!! I have hit my 5 year mark. We have learned that I can’t have any dairy whatsoever or any kids nd of nuts. Do you know how hard it is to stay away from cheese???? You don’t even realize how much food has dairy n it. As for the food issues that is still a struggle but hopefully it gets better soon. 

Stay tuned to upcoming post like motherless love, binging, discipline, mood swings and getting older isn’t always easier....

Peace out Tater Tot

I may be down but I'm not out

   So today I am so excited and I will tell you why. Three years ago a friend was coming into town to visit and I had no clue as to what directions n my life was about to take. I went in to have one surgery only to find out I had a rare cancer and that I needed another surgery in the next coming weeks. They found 2 rare tumors and caused a delay in chemo and radiation. It has been nonstop until today!!

  I was in my corner boxing gloves on, I was ready for this fight. I had been preparing for a few years before and never realized what was happening. I came out of my corner ready, dancing from side to side and bouncing hitting my gloves together ready to throw the first punch. I got punched and didn't see it coming, I got punched right in the stomach, see I had to sign away my rights to have children. I signed the paper with tears in my eyes but I wouldn't let them fall, I had to be strong. I couldn't let one punch keep me down. So I came up swinging and making sure to keep my face guarded, this way if I cried nobody would see. Keep your hands in front of your face firm so no one sees your heart break into a million pieces. I made sure to start fighting back, it took me a few but I managed to fight and hit where it hurts. Skip ahead to now this day, I can say that while I do get upset and my heart shatters as new babies are making there entrance around me, I have started to find a peace inside that makes it okay. 

  So as I return to my corner to wipe the sweat and tears away, I am being prepared for the next few hits and boy did they hit hard. The bell rings and I come out fast paced and ready to dodge anything thrown at me. Unfortunately I don't duck fast enough I get knocked in the face and just about fall down only to be hit in the side and then I get hit in my side again, man those hits hurt. I tried to block, I tried to protect myself but I am not fast enough. The bell rings and I make it back to my corner where I am looked at and tended to. I have people in my corner and they have their positions to do, they know which part is theirs to help me. They come in fast and help me recover, and this time it took a bit of time to recover but I recovered enough that I could go back in and fight and that's exactly what I did. So I fight and this time around I am throwing punches, and ducking. I'm doing the bob n weave, man I got the footwork along with. I am amazing in the ring. The bell tolls and we go back to our respective corners and do a bit of refreshing. The bell rings again for us to fight again and this time I'm still bob n weaving, fancy footwork, and throwing my punches and making them count. 

    I have fought for so long and tried my best to protect me but I got hit in the kidneys, I got hit in the stomach, I got hit in the face, blow after blow and finally I start to slow down. I start to miss my punches, I start falling down on protecting myself. I am now crawling to my corner, sweat dripping, face bruised, body unrecognizable, no more strength to stand, no more strength to fight. I am down for the count but I'm not done......     I want to go in and fight but I am held back, I feel like I am ready, I feel like I have my strength, I feel like new or so I think. I go back in against the wishes of those around me and I get hit again over n over in the kidneys. This time I am down and there's no way I can get up from this, there's no way I can even make it to my corner, somehow I manage to crawl slowly back to my corner and this time I realize I must stay put, there's no way I can stand and fight this time around. So I stay down and I mend, I get the help I need to get back up to fight except this time it takes longer because I didn't listen and stayed down when I should have. So now I have been down and recovering. 

    Today is the day I get to stand up and possibly make my way out of my corner. I am standing but yet not ready to get back in the ring but don't worry the day is around the corner that I will be able to walk out of my corner and bounce back n forth on my feet, knocking my gloves together ready to fight, but be prepared this time I aim to win and knock you down so that you never get back up again. I will be the conqueror I was I intended to be......

Stay tune this fight has just begun

     

Rawness

I will try my best not but I make no promises.....its not that I want ordinary day to day life but this is all just too much. I am strong but I am weak. I am a fighter but yet can not fight, I am tired but yet can not stop. I am getting up but yet don't know how much longer. I am sure there's a test in this for me and yet I feel like I have failed. I have tried to hang on and yet it may be the tinest knot and yet I'm still hanging on somehow...... I am not done but yet I feel like I am done. My life is mine but yet it is not.

No choice just get up

    You have pains, Get up.
    You are tired, Get up.
    You don't think you can go one more step, Get up
    You have no encouragement, Get up.
    You are weak, Get up.
    You are tired of holding on, Get up.

   Obligations, people pulling, too much to do, not enough time, no answers, loneliness, fatigue, pain, people telling you to be positive, day to day expections, etc.......

    I'm sure there's more but you get the picture. I was talking to another "superwoman" although like me She doesn't claim the title, anywho as we were talking I felt like she understood even though her battles are completely different than mine. The same basic concept was there though. We get tired, we don't want to fight anymore, we want to wave the "white" flag and call it a day. Only when we say that people start trying to encourage us and while that is great and by all means we truly appreciate it. Please keep the encouragement coming.

     Here's the thing, I for one am tired. I have been struggling for years Spiritually, physically and most especially mentally. The tiredness I have goes far beyond sleeping for a few days. I'm like my other superwoman, I want to sit in the middle of a room and just wave the white flag. I realize that as a child I missed out on some very important things that every child needs and while I am an adult that little girl still likes to come out and play and with her comes the insecurities of not being loved, or not being good enough, add in all the damage that has happened to my body and I Am very quickly wanting to go be with Jesus and my Dad, where there is no more pain, no more tears, and where I am loved without a shadow of a doubt. I'm hoping that one day that little girl will get what's she been looking for. Don't get me wrong I would love to wave that white flag but then I am reminded that another day is fast approaching and things need to be done. Until then......


  I will wake up and just get up. I may be in pain but it doesn't matter, I will get up, I may be exhausted but I will get up. I may be lonely and feeling the way I do but I will get up. I will have my insecurities but I will still get up. See that's what I do, I don't know any other way. I have always just pushed me aside, my questions, my pain, my insecurities and I GET UP and go, it's all I know. You can call me strong, call me whatever you want, I just do what I have to. I have no choice, I just GET UP and go.

Just a few truths

     You know at times I feel like I am doing my "mask" excerises for human video. 
So right now I have the mask that everything is great when in truth if I could just go to sleep and wake up in Heaven where I have no more pain, where my body is perfect and not damaged, where I can actually run and not fall, where I can sit and eat a meal without worrying bout being nauseated or gonna puke it up, where love surrounds at all times, where I can actually rest because I have done this world by myself for so long, where I can crawl up in Jesus lap and nobody make fun of me or forget me. Now that I took my mask of for a minute, it's time to put my happy mask back on.

    I suffer in silence because all around me everybody is busy living life, struggling through their own issues, while mine has been the same for a few years now. I am so tired of this merry go around, I have no clue how to get off so I just hold on tight. At times it goes in circles fast and then faster and then other times it slows down to a crawl. I keep hearing just hold on you are almost there. My grip is so tight on the pole, my fingers will have to be pried off. I keep hanging on because it's all I know to do. The merry go around picks up speed, my arms are tired, my body aches, my soul hurts, I try to keep a smile on my face but even that at times is to much energy. I look both ways but all around me is a blur. How do I get off this merry go around without losing my sanity