Changing from the inside out

   If you want true change then look within. If you want fake or even artificial change then just keeping looking on the outside. If you want a fleeting change then only go skin deep for a quicky change. Most people want to change others/those around them. Let me just say, seriously pay attention to this next little but yet powerful phrase YOU CAN NOT CHANGE ANYBODY !!!!! Did you get that???? You can only change yourself. I have never wanted to change those around me, I have been trying to accept others as they are as I am hoping they are doing the same with me.

    The quicky and fleeting changes are like the wind they eventually die down. They are a temporary fix and will only keep you happy for a minute. Those kind of fixes will get you right back in the same spot as before. Those kind of fixes only require you to look on the outside and see what you can change or you dare to look within then you only look to see what would be the easiest to change and you change that with the hopes that it will change everything else. Let me let you in on a secret - temporary or skin deep changes will not get you the true happiness you are seeking. Now some are probably saying I don't have anything to change, welllllll let me ask you a question if you are one of those who are saying that - Are you perfect? Just checking because I know that all of us has something they would like to change, whether it's a little bit or a whole lot, you may find yourself in the middle. 

    If you want a change that will last a lifetime then you must search inside and then you must get an action plan. Then you must do the work, you must tackle the tough along with the easy. No it will not be easy at times but it will have a great reward. If you want true happiness then learn to look within, you will never find your happiness in others. Although I never wanted to change others I wasn't for sure if I wanted to change me, well let me say it had never crossed my mind to change or even want change. God had been preparing me for just that. I have spent the past four years or so learning to like me and to change the things I could. The really tough stuff. Yes you can change weight, your appearance (if you have the money) but you will still end up back in the same unhappy boat. I have spent these past few years changing the things that needed to be changed. Yes it was hard even difficult at times, there was some easy days but not many. The reward has been life changing, so do you want a life changer then try looking inside. Do you have trust issues? Do you have a self esteem issue, an approval problem? Do you have bitterness, anger, sadness? Do you suffer from jealousy, envy, being alone? These are just a few of the things.

    I can tell you from experience you can change and you can change it for a lifetime. You don't need to be concerned as to what others think of you changing. As long as you are changing for the right reasons then you need to do it for you. Most people do not want to take the time and patience to change because it may require you to face some things about your life that you didn't want to face or deal with. In order to have true happiness, in order to become the person you were meant to be in the beginning you will have to face things about yourself, you will have to face the cold truth about yourself.  You have to be willing to change, to face it and deal with it and then to truly put it away. I do have good news you can do it, you will enjoy the reward. It's scary but yet so informative, it's learning to really like maybe I should say love yourself. 

What a year......

   It has been 19 days into the new year, just a little late, but better late than never. My year has seen many challenges, some great and some bad, and some of my darkest days (will talk about that in another post). Last year my year starts out with chemo, radiation and check ups with some therapy thrown in for good measure. My year ended with appointments, doctor visits, testing and more therapy mixed in. Now in between the beginning of the year till the end of the year I went back to work and we had construction going on and a few projects thrown in for good measure. I was pushing to get back to normal, my first day back at work and for a few weeks afterwards I knew something was different. It took me about a month to accept that while the world went I had changed, it wasn't intentional it just happened. Once I finally accepted that my life would be forever changed, I had to learn to live again.

     For a few months I did try to learn to live but I couldn't quite get there. Then in September I got the news that I had a rare disease and my life had started on this roller coaster of extreme highs and extreme lows. That's when the appointments, testing and visits started and they didn't end till the last week of December. So in the middle of my year I should have been resting but I had no clue as to what I was about to face or even deal with. In saying that statement I also realized that I wouldn't of changed that time for anything. 

   Last year was a year of learning my strengths, my weakness, who really cares and who is just passing through being polite. I learned that I could push myself past my limits and still survive. I learned that even though I had some of my darkest days, I will make it, I'm coming out of them now. I learned that it was okay to let some things go and to hold on tight to other things. I have learned to rely on God just a bit more than I did before. I have learned that when I am having a bad day that it's okay to call, text a friend and ask for help/prayer, although I'm still learning that one today. Last year was the year I had to fight, I had to grow, I had to rest, I had to step back a step or three.

     This year will find me moving forward and in saying that I will do more blog posts and will tell you my story in the hopes that it will at least help one. This year will find me with a new "normal" and moving forward into what God has for me. I will try to make my posts not so long but I don't promise anything because I love to write. 

Later jelly bean.......

Learning to move forward

     As I sit here, I realized I haven't wrote anything for a bit. It's that time of year where everything is crazy right now. I started this blog with the intent to talk bout my recovery in every aspect of my life. I met some very close friends a few years back and we have had some very interesting but deep conversations. I decided in 2010 (I think) that I told God I was ready to deal with my baggage. Since 2011 I have been dealing with my baggage, more to come on that in later writings. 

    It has been one year since my second surgery, this year has seen highs n lows. This past year I have been given 2 choices - fight or give in - I chose to fight, I chose to push forward. This past years a few very close friends have seen a side of me that very few if any has seen. Yes as superwoman I had bad days, I had days where I wanted to give up. Just recently I was reminded that on those bad days to think of where I was a year ago. 

    For some moving forward is easy and for others it's not so easy. In each of our lives we have had life  changers - it's those moments that define us. As you grow older and have your first "life changer" moment, you think to yourself I will never survive this. One day you wake up and realized you not only survived it but you came out stronger than when you went in. Then the next "life changer" happens and you first thought is again I'm not gonna make it but yet you do. In life we will always have life changer moments and they get harder as you get older. Each time you have a life changer moment you learn to move forward. You learn a little bit more about yourself after each event, and after each event you learn to push harder at moving forward because you realized you made it through the last life changer moment. So the next time you have a life changer moment, remember that you made it through the previous one and chances are you will make it through this one. 

      For me I have had my fair share of life changer moments, and there were times that I didn't think I was gonna make it. I learned to move forward, I learned to push past and learned a little bit more about me. I learned how to be strong, I learned that I would make it. This past year has been a major life changer moment, and yet so far I have survived. In the past month I have had yet another life changer moment and for awhile I really didn't think I was gonna make it but I am just now getting back on my feet to push forward. That's it for now, next up will be judging a book by its cover or not.......

Peace out tater tot

One year

  I never really thought about a year, yes it's 365 days, and no I'm not figuring up the hours n minutes. (Haha) !!!! One year ago my life took a 360 complete change, I was diagnosised with cancer. Yes I HAD cancer, when they removed my uterus and cervix they found cancer, but because they took those parts out already that meant my cancer was out as well. However that didn't stop me from having another surgery and then later on treatments, but this is not about that. 

  One year ago I was fast heading towards getting through each day, was working out and learning to attempt to eat healthy. One year ago I was just thinking about how quickly I could heal and get back to work. One year ago I was probably not headed in the right direction that I needed to be headed in to be honest. One year ago I was just skating through. It's amazing what a few words can n will do to your life. Now one year later I think about my health a little bit more. One year later I think about what I really want to do with my life. One year later I think about my walk with Jesus and how I need it to be closer. One year later I have learned to rely on Jesus just a bit more than before. One year later I find my thoughts focusing more on the important things like what I want to accomplish before I die. 

   This past year has taught me who I can rely on and who will fail and/or bail on me in my time of need.  This past year has taught me to stop and see what's really around me. This past year has taught me that you can love from afar and still be okay. This past year has brought me closer to my grandparents even though they could not be with me during my battles. There was times during this past year that even though I talked to my grandma on the phone it would have been so great to have had her here with me sitting on the couch while I lay my head in her lap like I use to, to me that would have been the best therapy for me. I had to learn to settle for phone calls. I am still facing battles some emotional, some mental and some physical but it's ok because when all this is said and done I will come out stronger on the other side. 

  As you go through tough things and some times even tougher things in life you will find out more about yourself as well as those around you. As you walk through the valley or even the desert you will find things you thought were important are no longer important and those things that you didn't think we're important become very important. As you learn about yourself in the valley or even the desert you will change your outlook, you will change how you see things, you will change who is in your life and who isn't. The battle shouldn't be about self pity or even the poor mes' a truly take that time and learn about yourself and what you want to change and what you don't want to change. As you go through the battle and start to come out the other side take it as a sign or even a chance to realize you can change the things you want and the things that you can change, go change them. It's a new lease on life so grab hold and go live each day to the fullest that you can. 

Peace out tater tot.......

   

Seasons change and so should you........

   As I was thinking of a new post this past week, the thing that kept coming to my mind is change - then I realized that all or most of my changes have taken place in October. I met with some very close friends near n far in October 2009. I made the decision in October 2011 (I believe) to say "yes Lord I'm ready to deal with some baggage". In October 2013 I had my first surgery which led to finding cancer, then another surgery then chemo and radiation. Here I realize that my changes have taken place in October. 

   Most people wait till January 1 of the new year to make changes, whether it's a new diet, exercise, read more, be kind you get the picture. So here's my question why wait till January??? Why not do it now? The way I figure it as the season is changing we should change. If we wait till January then we are more apt to not keep the changes going, we are all stressed from having the holidays done, how are we gonna pay the bills, getting your house back to normal. In January is when the world makes changes and everyone has jumped on the bandwagon of change. So why not be different and start your change now? The leaves are changing getting ready for winter, the squirrels have gathered their nuts for winter, bears have already started their hibernation stage. 

   Before the holidays are upon us and we are busy stressing out over food, presents and schedules then make a decision on this gorgeous day to be more kind, on this day as leaves are changing colors then make a decision to eat healthier, on this day as the sun is shining bright in the sky make a decision to exercise more or even get started. As you go about this day with friends or family do something spontaneous, make today about finally starting that dream you always wanted to chase but yet didn't have the time for. Make time!!!!! 

     Today makes one year that my life took a complete 360 change, for now my life is filled with doctors appointments and testing but as I write to you about change I need to follow my own advice. It seems here lately that I have to schedule my life around doctors appointments, well, so what. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one who has to do this, so why not start chasing after my dream of writing. Why not start exercising now, why not start eating healthier, why not start spending time visiting others. My life was put on hold for bout 6 months due to treatments, there wasn't a choice at the time my body had already been through 2 surgeries in 5 weeks, so I took that time to rest and recover. So today I vow to try at least 1 new recipe a month, to start back exercising, to do more writing. 

   The leaves are changing, what will you change?

   More to come on my baggage claims

It's okay to feel yourself.....

Yes it really is okay to do that - in fact you should be doing this every month - doesn't matter if you are male or female - it doesn't matter about your age because you can be sure of one thing - cancer does NOT discriminate - all or most of us know someone who has been through breast cancer - it's never too early to start "feeling yourself up" - your doctor can give you a pamphlet about the how to's and if you don't have a doctor then the wonderful World Wide Web can help and if you don't have access or not for sure what to look for I can help you find it - more than 2.9 million women in US has had and/or has breast cancer - breast cancer is the most common cancer among women with men it is very low risk, and yes men can get breast cancer as well - a woman living in the US has a 1 in 8 chances of getting breast cancer in their lifetime - there is awareness all around us - yes we may be bombarded with info but knowledge is power - the more you know the better you are to fight and and protect yourself - from the information that I have read breast cancer is number 2 in deaths for women - heart disease being the first - so when I tell you that it's ok to feel yourself it really is ok - check yourself every month early detection is the best defense against breast cancer - so if you haven't started for what ever reason then today make a pledge that you will start "feeling yourself" - 

Peace out.....

The wait

If you have ever been to the doctor you have waited - it seems everywhere you go you wait - whether it's at a restaurant, grocery store or retail store - you wait at the hospital as well as waiting at a stop lite - this is a different kind of wait - many of you have experienced this kind of wait to some degree - it's that waiting to see another doctor - more importantly an oncologist - I had just learned about cancer growing from my cervix to my uterus and now I have been told I have to see an oncologist - the wait was about 2 weeks - for me it was the longest period -  my original doctor told me about how long treatments would be, and for me it was like ok let's get this started - let's get this done, I gotta get back to living - never in my wildest dreams did I know what was gonna happen next - when I was first told I HAD cancer and it was slow moving but yet all was gone - I couldn't understand the big deal - if you got it all then I'm glad you told me but  why see an oncologist? Why have treatments? - then I was kindly reminded of the "suspicious" mass near my pelvic lymph nodes - the wait seems like it takes forever - you are told to wait but yet hurry up - I did a lot of waiting before I began everything - waiting will teach you patience - waiting will teach you to rely on God just a bit more - waiting will teach you to enjoy the moments you have - waiting is quality time spent with a friend - waiting can turn into memories if you allow it - we are all rushing here and there and it's at those times we get impatient and do not want to wait - the days are going by way to fast and there's nothing you can do about that - but you can check yourself the next time you are waiting - because while you are waiting for a phone call, at the grocery/retail store, at a stop lite - someone out there somewhere is waiting for the news on a test, so the next time you find yourself waiting, if you are with someone then make memories and should you be by yourself while you wait then it is the perfect time to practice patience and a lil relaxing / 

My next post will be on "the talk"

Peace out home slice.......