Late nite talks with....well self

    So for the past few days I have been trying to come up with a title and something to write about in my blog since I have not written in what seems like forever. I have had writers block for the past few months along with dealing with some minor health issues. As I was driving from Wilmington this afternoon after an appointment, I had so many thoughts and questions, so this is just gonna be one of those that may make you think or laugh.  So here are some of the thoughts and questions....

     What gives you that endorphin rush? For me it's getting a new tattoo, getting a piercing, doing something I have always wanted to do but haven't done it yet. For instance I have been wanting to go on the skywheel, and of course it's oh yeah let's do it but yet it doesn't get done, so this year for my birthday I will go on the sky wheel even if I have to go alone. I will actually make it to see a sunrise this year. 

     What makes you feel confident? Is it your favorite jeans? Makeup or a great hair day? For me it's chinos and a bright shirt and the smile that lets the world know I am getting ready to conquer it!!! Another thought as I was driving back to work is I want to do a post on or around my birthday but I am hesitant because I am sure a family member or members will get offended. In doing my blog my intentions is not to offend anybody even though I know it isn't quite possible to please everyone. 

    Seasons in one's life, we have all go through them even if we don't recognize them or go running through them. Someone told me this morning maybe I am going through the "winter" season, hibernation breeds detachment and isolation usually and most times to better self at the end of the season. Other thoughts range from.....

      Laughing at myself because last nite as I was driving home, I started looking for my keys, yep go back and read at again. I did and I laugh every time. Laughter is really good for the soul, I do know that I have laughed more in the last few weeks due to a kindred spirit. As I walk through the store doing my job and speaking or at least trying to speak to everyone, you have no clue as to what another is going through. Usually when we laugh at work a customer will laugh with us. I think about new life and how at times I am still trying to accept at I will never get to experience it. I am by far a lot better at accepting that than what I was. 

     All day today I have done nothing but think of this dream I had last nite. It was so vivid and so detailed that even now I can see what is going on. I am gonna have to write that one down and get someone to interrupt it for me. Sleep does not come as easy as before but yet I have always had issues with sleep. Do not get me wrong I love sleep. I love my bed and there are times that I have to make an effort to be friends with my bed just so I can get a decent nites sleep. Of course the lack of sleep could be due to all the thoughts that run through my head, or it could be all the meds I am taking...

   It has been real hard for me to have writers block, words are my life and my life is words. I can describe my life and my thoughts so much better with words. I miss my Dad. I am learning that I can have a healthy balance in my life and everything will still be okay. There are a few things I am struggling wi and ,Anne one day I will write them down for you and share them. So for now, keep your thoughts going who knows what you may stumble on. I know you are reading this and we need to do coffee soon. So for now I leave you with do something today that you would not normally do.......

Until next time

Later Tater Tot

Encouraging

     As I sat waiting waiting to see my wonderful doctor for my 4 month check ups noticed a few things today. There's a special kinship that people who are going through a cancer battle that you have with each other and it's not explained other than you don't walk that road alone. Today there was laughter, smiles and everyday conversation going on. You wouldn't know that some of these people were waiting for chemo treatments and who knows maybe it's the end for some of them and maybe it's the beginning. Regardless I sat and watched and listened to those around me. Some were encouraging the lady beside her with words and a smile. Then one let's us all know she may get sick she just wanted to warn us. 

   If you have never faced the battle of cancer then please don't take your health for granted. It's not worth it. My life for the next few years will be living as much as I can and in between doing check ups. Here's the thing I am usually okay in the middle but when it comes time for a check up I do get a little bit anxious. Yes I know I am suppose to trust God" yes I know I am suppose to believe I am healed. Here's what you don't realize, I do believe all that. I know I am healed, I know that I trust God. God is the one who helped me through the past 2 years. Getting back to my point. So when my appointments come up even though I know everything is fine I still get anxious, what if they find something, what's gonna happen next. Oh my the thoughts that run through my head just before an appointment. I am human that's the only answer I have for it. God hasn't made me perfect yet and so therefore sometimes my human nature gets in the way. Here's the best thing God knows exactly how I am and what I am thinking and what is going on in my head and He loves me anyways for it. 

    So over the next few years when my appointments arrive I still strive to do better about being anxious but I don't promise a thing. I do want to share some things with you though. As you are waiting whether it's for you or a friend look around you and pray for those around you. Give an encouraging smile to the one sitting across from you that catches your eye.msmiles are free in this world and a smile could mean the difference in someone's life. You never know. Just because someone is smiling and laughing doesn't mean they don't have a battle going on inside. I stayed positive throughout my whole battle with chemo and radiation. The people who were with me made it very enjoyable for me and them. I am forever grateful to the ones who walked with me on that journey. 

    I am learning because of the journey to not wait to do the things I want to do like dance in the rain, or get that tattoo I have been wanting. I want to go somewhere I have never been and yes I will get there just not this month. I want to slow down and smell the roses and enjoy life before it passes me by. When those dreaded but great checkups can't me I want to be reminded not to take life for granted. I want to be reminded that I can listen to the radio on the way home and sing as loud as I want and who cares if anyone is watching. I want to be reminded to get all the kisses I can from the boys. I want to be reminded to go see a movie or go with a friend out to lunch/dinner and just sit and enjoy my time with them. I want to be reminded that life is moving on. 

   I have been facing some very challenging thoughts in the past few months and one day I will be able to write. By the way this is my first time in forever being able to actually write and it mean something. I think my writers block is gone at least that is what I am praying for. So until the next time remember to smile at those waiting and to even say an encouraging word. So until next time.......

Peace out Tater Tot

Rare.....

    I was challenged to do a new blog post and call it "Rare", of course me being me I accepted the challenge. I know that when I was asked to write this, that it should be about me and how "rare" I really am. However as I was driving to a friends house to get my hair did, it came to me to write about "rare" in the following context. I may step on a few toes and such but hey I wouldn't be me if I didn't speak truth.....

   Why is it that society tells us to be one way and yet in our minds we see ourselves completely different? Why is that when a friend tells us we are beautiful we blow them off? Why is it we see a beautiful woman/girl and we look with envy or we look with a sneer? Why is it that when we someone not so beautiful and we make jokes about them? Why is it that we as woman just can't be happy with the here n now? Why is it that woman just can't learn to be happy by themselves? Just curious....

   The definition of "rare" is an event not occurring very often. "Rare" is defined as unusual, uncommon. "Rare" is not as common as you would think. My belief is that we will not have "rare" woman around us because being like that takes to much effort to get there. It's easier to believe that we should just settle for what we have instead of going for "rare". What if we all decided that we wanted to be that "rare" woman who was confident every day of the week even though we like to sit around in sweats and baggy t-shirts all day? What if we as woman could be like that those confident woman you see walking? How "rare" would it be if we as woman decided that we were enough that we didn't need a man to complete us? 

   "Rare" for me is learning that my body is rare. There is no one else who has a body like mine. God made me "RARE". To me "rare" would be very comfortable in my own skin. For me "rare" comes across as being confident and not ever having to fake it. "RARE" for me is stretching me past my boundaries and being okay knowing full well I will not break or crumble. To me coming to terms with the fact that my life is okay a bit twisted at times, a bit full of appointments but that it's really okay, it will not keep me down. I want to be remembered as a "rare" woman not medically speaking but in everything speaking. I want to be that "rare" woman that doesn't matter who is around me I will always be comfortable with me. Never have a doubt if I am good enough, or anything like that. 

   "RARE" is doing something right the first time and knowing you did it right with no doubts. "RARE" is finding that one girlfriend that you can spill your guts to and know it's safe, finding that one girlfriend that even though months or years go by you can always pick up right where you left off. "RARE" is finding real love. Yea I know some of you just shook your head and said but I have found my true love, my real love. Here's the thing though in the world that we are living in today, it is so very hard to find a true real friend, let alone find real love. In this day n time too many people out there are all about themselves and what they can get from you. It is very "RARE" to find that one good friend, we won't even say friends, because you can count yourself blessed if you find at least one true friend. Real love don't even get me started on that. That may have to be another blog post for another day. 

   "RARE" is just like the word itself, hardly in anybody's vocabulary these days. It is "RARE" for someone to get the help they need and truly change from it. I asked a friend today how many truly seek change and then take the time to put the changes into practice and to also stick with it till you are done. He said not very many, in all his years of helping people he said only a handful really want the help maybe I should say change not help. I am very thankful that I have those few close friends who have helped me along my journey to changing me into the woman of God I was intended to be in the first place. 

   Do you want to be remembered as a "RARE" woman? Do you want to leave a legacy of rarity to those you love and will leave behind? For me I am holding out for that thing of real love, I deserve it and expect it. For me I want to always be remembered as being "RARE". I want to be able to help others into becoming "RARE"!!! 

A letter to my Dad

Dear Dad

    I know that you are doing well I mean you have been in Heaven for 24 years now. Just make sure you are standing directly behind Jesus when I get there. I think I'm gonna hug you for about 5 years, I'm not gonna be able to let you go. I'm gonna be by your side till I know it's ok. It's funny because that is the human mind and it can't comprehend what Heaven is gonna be like with our loved ones. I will just be so happy to see you again. Crazy question but did you age any while you have been there or do you still look like you did at 44? Well a lot has happened in 24 years so let me get started but before I do I must get n give forgiveness.

   Dad I need you to forgive me for having higher expectations of you. (You know exactly what I'm talking about)  Dad I understand that you did the best you could. I forgive you for not being perfect and doing the best you could in protecting me and keeping me safe. (Again you know what I'm talking about) I finally started understanding why you didn't leave sooner. You are and will always be my superhero. Dad please forgive me for being mad at you for leaving, I stayed angry at you for the longest time. I am getting past it finally and getting to a place that I am okay with you being gone, well, not really but better. So to catch you up on what's been going.

   I got married n divorced, no kids. Partied like crazy and just well lived life the way I shouldn't have. However in living life like I did I learned a few things in the process. Some things I learned you had already taught me, like giving my word and keeping it, like helping people as much as possible without losing self, like working hard, life giving and expecting nothing in return. Stubbornness and independence came from you as well. The need to achieve things better things in life. To talk care of me and those I love. Crazy thought but if you were here we would be having coffee and talking. I did end up in church just many years later, been on 2 mission trips and hope to go on more. When I get to Heaven I want you to meet a few people Tater Tot being one of them. I know you would really like him. He taught me about me and helped me become the person that God intended for me to be in the first place. Okay getting back to my life and the pitfalls. By the way in case you hadn't noticed I do love a good rabbit trail. 

   I had a few major pitfalls with my health however God had His hand on me the entire time not like He normally doesn't but that was an extra special time. I came through with flying colors, now just learning to deal with the after effects of having surgery and cancer, along with chemo, radiation and being thrown full blown into menopause. Not my idea of a great 40th birthday but as you taught me, I endured with a smile and the fortitude to push through. You would definitely be proud, but you would probably be angry at a few folks who weren't around but it's ok, I made it through regardless. I have taken the time to finally figure out who I am or who I was suppose to be in the beginning, I think you would be so proud of me now. You can ask J and C about all the changes and they will tell you, Tater tot will fill you in on all the walls and steel cage doors he came upon. 

   I sit here drinking coffee and remembering how you came in my room one nite to tuck me back in, I ended up either at the foot of the bed or between the mattress. I remember one Christmas we were coming back from your brothers house and I kept looking in the back of the truck, you told me that Santa was up in the sky flying around. I was sitting beside you and immediately started looking at the sky trying to find Santa. We had this bond that nobody could break. I finally came to the understanding that even though you weren't perfect and things weren't as I thought they should be, I knew you loved me, I knew I was "daddy's girl". It didn't matter how much she tried to keep me from you I knew in my heart of hearts I would and will always be daddy's girl. There was a bond an understanding of sorts that I had to wait,at the time I didn't understand it or comprehend it but now I do, I think I have understood for awhile now. I am my Daddy's girl. 

  I know that you are proud of me today. I know that a few ears back you would have been disappointed however I think you would have given me grace considering my childhood and such things like that. This is the first year that I have been at peace with your passing. Don't get me wrong I miss you like crazy, would of loved to have you hear these past 2 years to help me get through but I know that you are in a much better place waiting for me to get there. I cry tears of sadness that you were taken so soon from my life, I know the reason behind my tears and sadness. It made me stronger, tougher, helped me to endure some pain n hardships that happened since you have been gone. For now I rest in the security that you are happy, and sitting with Jesus waiting patiently for me to get there. I know I know not to quick for me. I think I will tell you some exciting news in a few weeks. I went to IHOP tonite because I remember one winter day you took me there before we were to head out into the woods to get some wood for the fireplace. 

   I miss you and you would wipe the tears from my eyes and tell me it's okay, not to cry. It's no good looking bing in the what ifs so I'm not gonna do that any longer or at least I'm gonna try to. I just know that you are waiting for me.......haha I know you want to know the exciting news but you are just gonna have to wait. I know that you will be super excited with me......till we meet again Dad save a place for me.....

I love you Dady always have always will......

Pain.....

  We have all dealt with pain in way or another. There is the pain of a broken limb, the loss of a loved one, the pain after surgery, the constant dull pain that can't be explained at times. The pain of hurt words said, your heart breaking into many little pieces with no chance of putting it back together. I Could write more but I think you get the picture. There are some pains I will never experience, and yet some pains I have experienced more than I should. If there is a person out there that has never experienced pain the, I would like to meet ya.
  Pain will and can define a person. I know of several who have dealt with pain on a daily basis including myself. Some of them handle their pain with negativity, and constant complaint. Then you have others who have learned to smile and push forward. They take it in stride and just keep going. I know a dear lady (God rest her soul, she is in no more pain) who dealt with pain on a daily basis but you would never know because she always had an upbeat attitude regardless of how bad she was feeling. I just hope that I can be more like her.
  I have been around people who for most or all of my life who have done nothing but complain about their pain. Or been around people who their pain is way worse than yours ever could be. I have learned from them folks to just push/move forward and smile. Sometimes there is nothing you can do bout your pain except to deal with it, as for helping others with their pain the best you can do is pray, listen and comfort. As much as you want to you can not take away or take on someone's else's pain. I know we like to think we can but we can't.
   We are all made with skin, bones, blood and a heart however we each Will feel pain a different way even if it's in the same situation. That is where we must learn to be a bit more compassionate. You May be able to relate and to offer advice but just know we all feel pain differently, and in saying that we all deal with pain differently. Pain can and will define, it's just up to you whether you choose to let it bring you down or make you stronger.
  I write this because most of my life I have dealt with pain in one way or another. I have learned to smile when in pain. I get quiet when the pain is to much. I have learned to let the pain define me in a way to make me stronger. Pain is not my identity but I do want to be remembered as dealing with my pain in a very positive way. Do not be one of those people who let pain define them in a negative way.
   Choose today to start smiling through the pain, choose today to dance through the pain. Remember that God is your healer!

Later jelly bean

Just one more time.....

   Just one more try, just this once, just one time, we have all said it and yet just one more time turns into a dozen more times. I have said this phrase many times through out my life and yet there was a time when I said just one more time it really was the last time. I said it with soda, food, the merry-go-round with Mark, with Thomas, (let's save those 2 for another day), with the gym, with shopping, and even with Peggy. We have all given that famous phrase only to not take heed and try yet again. I wonder what makes us keep trying over n over again? 

    I have said "one more time" or "ok just this once" with Peggy for about 20 years. I actually stopped trying back in 2011. You see my grandparents taught me to be the better person, to always speak, that no matter what she is my mother and I must do what I can to help bridge the gap. At the time I couldn't figure out why I had to keep "trying" to keep speaking even though she did her best to ignore me. My grandparents taught me "just once more" or "try one more time" and now I am very grateful they did. For the better part of 20 years I tried, I gave and I tried again even though I kept getting disappointed, crushed and angry. I mean she is my mother, so why shouldn't I try to have that relationship with my mother that every daughter wants to have with her mother. I endured a lot of tears and angry words but yet I still tried, I still didn't stop. Then in 2011 I told my grandma that I was done trying, I wasn't giving any more chances, I wasn't gonna keep getting disappointed, hurt or even angry anymore. The issues between my mother and I are complicated yet simple but they are for a different post.  

    I was taught to keep trying and I did. I tried one more time, now I know for a fact that when I stand before God I will not have to answer any questions concerning trying one more time with my mother. I know that I have done everything I could and more. It's not that I have given up hope, I just wait patiently for the day that my mother truly gives her heart to Jesus and accepts the past and all decisions that she has made. The day that she accepts complete responsibility for everything she has done and when she can actually look at me without regret, without guilt, without shame, without rejection in her heart will be the day that the healing truly starts. The day that my mother can honestly look at me with love and acceptance will be the day that true healing begins until then..... 

   So I kept giving it one more try, one more time until the day that I realized I need to be healthy. I do not need to live with worry or stress about something that is gonna take Someone more powerful than I to change her ways, her attitude. I am encouraging you that if there is something important in your life that you need to stick with then go ahead and "try one more time" so that at the end of the day you can truly say you have tried. If you are doing something you ain't got no business doing and keep saying to yourself "just one more time" and I will stop well let me just say -if you haven't already figured it out one more time turns into another one more time and another, and another and so on n on. Go ahead and be strong when you say just "one more time" then truly mean it. Yes I am very aware of how hard it is to really mean it when you say "just one more time", I also understand the other side of that coin. If you really want to know about the other side of the coin ask me and I just may tell you, just be prepared for my answer. So be careful with your "one more time"

Later jelly bean

One year

   On March 11 will be one year that I have had no treatments what so ever. I will be doing testing for the next 4 years though. It has been a journey that I hope to never have to repeat. I have had many changes in a year's time. I went back to work, I got diagnosised with a rare disease, I got a bunch more testing. Everything so far is good to go. There is a cyst that is growing but nothing to be concerned about. I have told someone that after this kind of life changer you don't get to go back to "normal" and yet I keep expecting it to. 

   My normal before my life changer was full of pain and more pain. Doctors telling me I was normal or don't worry about it. Had one doctor tell me I had PCOS and I probably did but no one thought to look deeper. Because of all the doctors telling me this I learned more n more to be in tune with my own body. I am the only one who can tell you how I feel and what is hurting and how it's hurting and when it hurts. And yet I still expect normal. After a life changing event you must to do a different normal. A life changer changes your life forever and drastically. 

  During this past year I have had a full range of emotions from happy n smiling to thoughts of suicide. I have seen some really happy days where nothing could touch me. Those days where you feel like you can conquer the whole world and keep going. I mean look at what I had just been through. I had moments of laughing in the Spirit and knowing full well that God had been and will continue to take care of me. On the flip side I had days where I couldn't take one more step, I couldn't do one more test, I couldn't do one more doc appointment, I just couldn't go on. Yes I had thoughts of suicide so bad that I planned everything: the place, the how, the where. I didn't think I could face another challenge. I didn't think I could take it anymore. I was just ready to be done with my life and wanted to be home with my Jesus and my daddy. I really thought there was no hope for me. 

   I am just now coming to a place where I am okay. I know that my God loves me, I know that there are a few people on this earth who love me and would miss me terribly. I know that God has a great plan for my life. I know that I am and will touch many other lives that come in to my path. I am learning to be okay. I am learning that by God's grace I will do more than make it. I will survive it and be able to talk about it a little more openly than before. With the prayers of those ones who love me I am making my way to the path that was intended for me. 

  I am still facing a minor health issue but it pales in comparison to what I have already been through. I am learning to put the focus back on me and getting reacquainted with self and God. If I had to face this past 21 months by myself well, I know for a fact I would not have made it this far. By God's grace I will become the woman He intended me to be. By God's unconditional love I will learn to love myself completely and to hold my head high with a smile because God doesn't make ugly. This past year has taught me that there are more important things to be concerned with, and I am learning to do just that.

   He has given me a peace about my health and about myself, I will be okay because I belong to Him. I know that no matter what I feel or how I feel God loves me and has His hands on me. He is the one who is taking care of me......

Next post will be in honor of tater tot......

Later jelly bean