Just suck it up and deal....

 The sun is shining. I love sunny days. When I was first seeing my therapist I really really loved having sunny days. I could sit in my chair and look at the blue skies. Yeah I know I should have been looking at my therapist but......

In the beginning I couldn't look at him. On the very first visit I sat in the chair closes to the door so I could bolt if I needed to. I tried to go in with no expectations. I honestly didn't have a clue as to what to expect or what to do.

I know that what you see on TV, the sterotypical client lays on a couch and the therapist asks you questions bout how you feel about whatever is going on. In saying that I am sure I could have laid down on the couch in his office but somehow that didnt feel right. I did learn that you sit how you want in the sense of what you are most comfortable with.

That first day, I was a bundle of nerves. Yes I wanted to bolt, not run but flee as fast as I could out the door. He asked me what 3 things were the worst for me. I told him and then he asked which is worse out of the 3. I told him and then he said the dreaded words of thats where we will start first. At the time my top 3 were family, (chilhood) work and church. He told me that usually if one of those are worse then it affects the other 2 areas and boy was he right.

We started with childhood but that first day he kinda let me ramble or rather do rabbit trails. It was a kinda get to know ya and see how you react. He would always tell me that it was a safe zone. Another words anything I said would be only between him and me. I was skeptical and didn't trust it. I mean do you really want me to tell you my deepest darkest secrets?? Yes he did but he also knew I needed to learn to trust him enough to tell him.

See for you folks who are thinking of going to therapy. Trust doesnt happen on day 1 or for that matter day 36, (at least for me it didnt) BUT it does happen. Once you realize you can tell your therapist your deepest darkest secrets like I did then you find out its not so bad to deal with this crazy thing we call life. Will you find the right therapist the first trip? Maybe - maybe not. I know I did, BUT I also know not everyone does.

Your first visit will be scary and nerve-racking. You will want to cancel it, or better yet just not even show up. I once asked David how many people really do get help and change, he said only about 30% of people really want to change. I sat and thought bout it and after eveything I have been through I can understand why that number is so low.

Most people want to change or deal with their baggage but then they realize how much work it actually takes to change/deal and they decide to stay where they are. Yes I know therapy costs money and some don't have it. I get that!! I learned from David that it's easier to stay where you are at because it's comfortable and safe. You know what to do, you know what to say and most of all you know what to expect. To change that means going into unfamiliar territory. You do not know what's gonna happen, what to expect or even say.

My biggest thing was, will people like the new me? Will they be ok with a new me? What will they expect out of me? Wait.......will I even like the new me, the healed me?

As a close friend just told me

I had to suck it up and deal with it....

“No title needed”

 I am an advocate for therapy. Doesn’t matter what you call them, counselor, therapist, psychiatrist they are there to help. Some are great for pushing pills while others are there to talk and listen to help ya. There is all kinds of therapy to help the individual as long as you are willing to do your part, your best to change and make those changes happen.

I was one of those people who didn’t think I would ever need a counselor. I was one of those people who thought therapy can not help me. I wasn’t against it, just never gave it thought. I mean seriously you want me to sit down and talk to a stranger who doesn’t know me and tell them my deepest darkest secrets?  (I can hear David laughing as I say this)

In 2012 I saw my first ever counselor. I decided to talk to a male therapist since I had such a hard time talking to females at that time. I know strange but it was me. I had decided that if I was gonna do this then I was going to do this right. I went in with no expectations. I went in really not knowing what to expect while I was there. I went in and seriously thought well I will tell him my troubles, my issues and I will be “fixed” in a couple weeks. Oh my that is just so funny now to think back to my first visit. 

I figured if I could just tell him what my issues were that we would discuss, he would give me solutions and I could carry on with my life. I learned that I had to make therapy a part of my life. I had to figure out how to blend it in with my life, my everyday life. It was about making it work. It was about dealing with all my baggage and coming up with ways to deal with the suicidal thoughts, the negativity, the horrible body image I had of myself. The low self esteem, the low to no self love, no self confidence. I didn’t know who I was and it was finally time to figure it out. 

It was not easy and at times I wanted to give up. I wanted to be done. I wanted to never discuss certain issues and thoughts. I wanted to “pretend” those issues did not exist. The deeper we got the worse the thoughts got. Now it was really in my face about my lack of....... now I really didn’t want to deal and even deal with life. A really good friend talked to me and he made a statement to me that has gotten me through so much since he said it to me. I still use that statement today. He told me look how far you have come, you didn’t think you would make it this far and look how far you have come from last year or last incident. 

Today there is more talk about it being okay to get help while still having a stigma on it. Social media is coming out with all kinds of people saying to get help and how they got help and you should as well. I agree. It’s time to take the stigma off of therapy. It’s time people understood that it’s there to help you have a better life, a better relationship with those around you. We have friends and family who look at us and make joking comments about going to see a psychiatrist or even tell us how “dumb” it is. Really any version of making jokes to us bout seeing a counselor. Telling us how they would never and they don’t need one. 

While it is good to have your opinion, you have no idea what it does to us. We are already scared, nervous about going and then to listen to our closest friends or even family members make jokes. Well, it makes it even harder for us to reach out and ask for help let alone go and get the help that we would need. 

I urge you, if you are having suicidal thoughts GET HELP!!!! There is someone out there who would be more than willing to talk to you, to talk you off the ledge and make it back to living. I know it seems impossible with all that surrounds you, all the ugly, the bad and the horrible but I PROMISE you there is someone out who wants to help you. There is someone out there who wants to see you make it. There is someone who wants you to get back to living your life.  

If you are struggling with childhood issues, low self esteem, low self confidence, don’t know who you are, believe me when I tell you there is someone out there who wants you to have the very best. There is someone out there who wants you to have those things. There is someone out there who wants to help......... reach out...... 

I leave you with this 

No matter how dark it gets, someone is fighting for you to make it

No matter how low your body image is someone is fighting for you to have a better outlook of yourself

No matter how messed up you think you are there is someone fighting for you to be happy and free.....

Hush-hush takes a stand

 So this one may be a little harder to write but lets see what we can do. Body image is so important to people in this day n age. If you dont look a certain way you get picked on. If you don't know how to talk well you get picked on. If you dont wear the right clothes you get picked on. Its sad but yet so true.

It took me the longest time to start liking myself and not really caring what others thought. I still have my not so great days but they dont last. It took me going to therapy to understand about self respect, self worth and self love. I was trying to learn this stuff at an older age which as you know didnt go so well in the beginning.

I had to learn if I want others to like me then I must first like myself. If I want others to respect me then I must first respect myself. If I wanted others to value me then I must first learn to value myself.

This process was not easy to say the least. It took me learning what love is, and today I still question it but its better than before. I had to talk bout why I did the things I did, not just talk but explain them. Ya know get to the root. All the things I did acholol, sex, driving, money, initating things just to get someone to like me. It was a cover-up because I didnt love myself and I didnt know how.

I am learning that people will always give you the bad things, and thats ok they are allowed. Its up to me if I want to take on what they say and then change me. The problem is once I change one thing then I find myself changing eveything else just to fit that image they have of you. I did that for the longest time and fought hard to get to point in my life where they may say these things doesnt mean I have to take it on. I appreciate that you are that comfortable with me to say those things to me.

You need to understand that while you want to change the things that others say you should, you have now stopped being you and just lost who you are. Change the things you can and learn to love the things you can not change. My therapist would be very happy with me with my latest statement because I didnt love me, i didnt even like me but yet I didnt know me. I still have my days where I dont like me and thats ok. I have other days where i love me and it shows in my smile, laughter and walk. It shows when I talk with others. Then there are other days where I dont evem think bout it.

We as women need to do a better job of lifting others up. We as women need to learn that while you may be good at thing and not so great at another its ok. The knowledge you gave could really help others. Ladies quit holding back. Ladies help those around you reach their potential, who knows you may even help yourself in the process.

This one took me longer to write as there was some medical issues that came up. I will try to do better next time......

Pain Level 0-10

 So explain to me how do you really measure pain? Is it really that simple that you give a number and the doctors n nurses adjust and react? How do they know that a 10 for you is a 5 for me? How do they know a 10 for you is really a 1 for someone else? How do you know you are telling them the right number? Do you tell them an 8 when its really a 15? Can you go over 10?

Pain can hide a lot of things but it can also tell you a lot about yourself and your body. Pain drowns out the noise. Pain is something that everyone has felt at least once in there life. Then you have others who have to deal with pain on a daily basis. You have some who cant handle pain at all and thats ok, you dont have to. Others deal with pain and you never knew they were/are in pain. You also have those ones who use the pain as a way to get attention. Those people......well anywho

There is all kinds of pain, there is pleasure in pain. Tattoo pain. Piercing pain. Achy pain. Sharp pain. Dull pain. Crampy pain. Unexplainable pain. Heart pain. Soul pain. Self-inflicted pain. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN Arrrrgggggghhhhhh

Pain is something that I have dealt with all my life. I have tattoos and piercings and want more of each. I have a rare diesease that causes pain and dealt with cancer. I have dealt with so much pain that at one time I ask God if He would just go ahead and take me I couldnt deal anymore. Well as you can see He didnt take me as I am still here😉. And still dealing with pain.

My brother would hit me when I was younger and when I asked why he did that, he told me that it was to make me stronger. I told my mother and my mother said just hit him back. Now imagine a little blond hair blue eyed girl and a taller huskier brother. There was no way I was going to be able to hit him and make it hurt, no way.   I was confused and baffled at the time when he answered me. Now I will say thank you!! I was going to say my brother taught me to take the pain but I think it was my mother because she never took up for me. That story is for another day......

So pain has been a part of my life for so long that when I dont have pain I am not sure how to act. There for quite a few years I didnt have pain except for the occasional getting older pains of life. You know the knees, the feet and the body pains of getting older.

In the words of a close friend

"Its gonna be painful to write"

This one took me a minute because of the memory from childhood. I will definitely get more in to that one on a later story...... For now take some Tylenol and call me in the morning if the pain persists....... 

Also please use the chart below to deteemine your pain

😁😁😄😃😀😥😢😩😫🤕