I don't want to

     Again this is My opinions and MY life experiences. If at any time you are ready to end your life then please reach out and call 988. If you are feeling depressed, lonely, sad, or overwhelmed from life and it's many trails then please reach out to a friend, Pastor, Boss, Teacher someone who can help you make it through your days living your best life. I have felt all of those and sometimes I still do. Back quite a few years ago it all started to affect my job. I knew it was time to reach out to a counselor but I needed that extra push to get there. 

       The first day I walked into David's office I'm not sure what I expected. I definitely know it wasn't what happened or developed over the years. I had an idea in my mind that we would discuss my childhood and how I felt, what I believed and why I did the things I did. I didn't think it was all tied together. When one area of your life is off balance then all areas are off balance whether you realize it or not. It took about 6 months for me to become comfortable enough to start getting to the root of it all. It took me another 18 months before I could trust him with some very private issues. Yeah yeah yeah I know he's there's to help why did I wait so long. I have trust issues I know this, he knew it within a month or so of meeting me. 

        David was so easy to talk to and he made me comfortable but yet still would call BS if he needed to which he did several times. He was the right counselor for me especially at that time. It took me about 2 years or more before I could look him in the eyes while talking with him. I know there's something out there about not looking at people's eyes when you talk to them but mine started way back in the day when I would talk about how I felt about something. When I was a child I wasn't really believed and at times told "no you don't feel it or something to that effect". When I went to his office I had a certain chair I sat in and would stare out the big bay windows. He would let me because he knew I would talk more that way.

        I do remember one time when I was in his office and wasn't really talking, he gave me an ultimatum and made it clear if I didn't start talking he would shut the blinds on that big bay window I loved to look out. I stalled, he got up and started his way to the window. I started talking of course. David had a way of pushing when he needed to and also backing off when the time was needed. He helped me understand why I did some of the things I did. He helped me understand that I made the decisions based off of skewed tapes in my head from childhood. I guess what I am saying is if you are on the fence about going to a counselor I'm gonna say go ahead and jump off that fence and go. It will be life changing. It will be so rewarding. Well maybe not in the beginning but it has its moments that just make you want to go back and get more. If you are sitting in a counselors office and you don't feel very comfortable then I would say give it three sessions then make a decision. I have a counselor now that if we didn't mesh on the beginning she would have told me and we would have parted ways. Yes I said she. And yes I have another counselor. I will tell you about her in the next writing.

           May is mental health awareness month and while I believe that mental health should have more than a month this is the perfect month to start your healing journey. Mental health needs to be front n center. Too many cases of domestic violence, too many cases of bullying. Too many cases of people doing things out in this world who suffer from depression, low self esteem, low self worth, no love for themselves. It all ties in together. Today is the first day of your life to start a new fresh journey to being happy, to living a happy life doing the things you want and making some really great and happy memories. 

       In closing you aren't always going to have happy days, life gets in the way I understand that. You also will have days where you may be taking a step back into old habits I get that as well. That's when you reach out and get help so you can get back on track. I have someone who stops in at the store and I see him every week but on those weeks where everything is piling up we talk. He reminded me this week that even though I may not realize it I do have another stable person I can talk to. So in your travels you may think nobody would understand I can tell you that there may be someone like that in your life. 

 Peace out Tater Tot.......

What was I thinking

May is National Mental Health Awareness month. In the following writing and the next couple of ones I will be expressing MY opinions and MY life experiences with counseling and mental health. If YOU need help please call the suicide line at 988. Reach out to a close friend that you trust. Have no one close that you trust reach out to someone whether it be your Pastor, boss, teacher, just reach out. I'm glad Mental Health gets a month but it needs more than that. The awareness has come a long way from when I was a child. In the past few years there has been celebrities doing ads to get people that need counseling to go talk to someone. The military is the same but I can't speak on that as I am not nor have I ever been in the military. It wouldn't be fair or right to all those soldiers who would happen to read this. Mental Health needs more attention and more focus than what it currently has. Mental Health is more than just suicidal thoughts, or even the act. It's depression, sadness, low self esteem, overwhelmed constantly with negative thoughts. It's feeling of not loving yourself or learning the value of you. It's bad habits that you do to cover up the lost feeling you have inside. It's self harm, acholol, drugs, over eating just to feel good about yourself. It's doing whatever you can for others to help that feeling of unworthiness. Its generational curses that have been passed down whether you are aware or not. There are some people who don't feel half of these and others that feel them and more. There are some that want help but can't get it. There are some who want help and get it. Then you have some that really don't see an issue with how they are. There are others who want to play or use that mental health card as a crutch. There are all kinds of people out in this crazy world and wherever you may fall in the above my hope is that while you read my writings that you see here, is a chance to get help and love your healthy life. What was I thinking when I said I would seek help for my childhood issues that carried over into adulthood........

When MY world stopped spinning

Interesting title I know but bare with me and I will explain. See some people will know exactly what I mean by the title alone but others will not. There are some people who have experienced this while others have experienced this many times over. Some people don’t even realize it’s happening. I noticed it the first time over 10 years ago now. This time it’s different, last time only lasted 6 months while this time it’s still going on.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Almost 2 years ago my world stopped spinning and I was just focused on getting better and staying strong. It started before I ever went to the emergency room and then had emergency surgery to fix the issue. Looking back maybe the month or 2 leading up to that day was a preparation for the stop. It really sunk in at work just recently when I went to type a password that I had just before I had to be out. My world had stopped spinning that day I had surgery. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When your world stops spinning everything around you continues on and everyone around you goes on about their daily life just living. It’s not their fault or anything they can do, they didn’t have the trauma you did. They didn’t experience their world stopping. Yes they went with you on the journey, yes they spent time with you but still their world was still spinning while my world had stopped. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After your world stops spinning you have to learn a new normal, you have to learn to start living again and most importantly you have to get your world back to spinning again. The sad thing is it’s not as easy this time around but that may be because I am still dealing. I guess you could say it’s not time for my world to start up again for whatever reason. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It’s like during the time that you are waiting for your world to start again you are being prepared for a different normal, a new normal. It’s about changing to accommodate what you have been through. No not the victim mentality but the accepting that your world stopped for a trauma and then you learn to move on and deal with it in a positive way. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slowly my world is starting to spin again but it’s a slow process this time around. I can feel it starting just by being able to do ordinary things and being able to be back at work. It’s not at a full spin just yet, you know how when you spin a top it starts slow and then builds up speed and goes faster n faster, well I’m at the beginning of the spin. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soon all things medical will be but a distant memory. Soon my couch will no longer look like a doctor’s tray ready for me to change the dressing. Soon all the medical boxes will be donated to others. Soon I will not have to worry about ordering any medical supplies. Soon I will have not to worry about sensitivity to tape and itching skin. Soon very soon my world will be spinning with a new normal just for me……… Till next time

Its a wild Wednesday

March 29th update. Today was a great day, did a little straighting up in my reading room. That made me feel really great as I stand in the doorway looking in the room. Today I actually got my wound vac put back on, we are also monitoring the top 2 tunnels as it is possible there is infection in there. I mean really, every day is an adventure of never knowing what I am gonna find when I take the dressing off. Right now the drainage is a yellow color, oh my...... As I lay on the couch stretched out, I have to clean my belly button before we put the wound vac back on. I look at my belly and say I am sorry, but it is looking good if only the tunnels will heal up. The pain is still here not as bad but still letting me know I still have issues. Lol I think I will always have issues. My home health nurse comes in and lets me know the docs are good with us putting the wound vac on for a couple of days and then letting my skin rest. I wish I could have it on 24/7 so the tunnels will here faster. Now I may have to have the wound vac a little longer than I thought. I am ok with it if I have to keep it a little longer. I am trying to stay positive and focus on today. So we are gonna keep the wound vac on today and see what my skin looks like on Friday when we take it off.------------------------------------------------------------------As I sit in my recliner eating pringles, I think about being strong, pushing through, surviving. Most days I will do that, most days I make it through. I will let you in on a secret, I don't see me that way. I just try my best to make it through each day. This is the second major medical journey that I have been on. I have been through minor medical journeys since the first major one again I just push on. Its the only thing I know how to do. Now don't get me wrong I have bad days. The first medical journey I wouldn't allow myself to have any bad days. It was during the minor journeys that I realized its ok to have bad days just don't stay there. This current medical journey I have had bad days and I allow them, but only one bad day. I would text a friend and would list what I didn't like then just kinda chill on the couch for the day. The next day I would wake up and everything would be ok. I would be able to have the strength to push through and have a better day. The bad days that I have are few and far between and I have learned its actually healthy to accept the bad day when it happens as long as its only one. If you start to have more bad days in a row then I would suggest you talk to a close friend about what is going on. When going through a medical journey and having too many bad days is never a good thing. You can not fight the bad days and then have the strength to fight the medical journey as well. My hope as you read my updates is to bring encouragement and let you know you can make it!!!! Peace out

Just another Tuesday

March 28th update Good Evening, yep it's that time again. Today was a decent day, nah it was a great day. I had to change the dressing again today, the rash is just about gone and that may let me get the wound vac tomorrow. Which might be a good thing, I ran out of the packing strips today. The pain has been letting me know today that I still have a wound that is not healed. I am considering heading to Johns Hopkins and see if I can just admit myself for daily testing for the rest of my life. Too many rare disease and too much happens daily when I am on the medical journey. I mean I really would be ok with that, maybe take a 2 week vacation to come see everyone. When I went to change the dressing there was a different color draining so of course a text was sent to my super hero, my home health nurse. We shall see what she says and she will be by tomorrow to check out whats going on.-------------------------------------------------------------------There are times where in the evening I think I need to get ready for bed so I can get up and go into work, it takes me about 5 minutes before I realize I am still out of work. I know it's crazy because I have been out for a bit now and when I sit in my recliner I will some times forget that I have a wound. Today the pain has reminded me most of the day. Also I am ready to get back to work but my body says nope not right now. So I get comfy and decide what I am gonna watch on tv and relax. There are times during the day that I have to remind myself what day it is. I will say I have learned to take each day as it comes and not worry about tomorrow. I am getting better at that. So tomorrow as you go about your day just focus on today and what you can get done and then do one thing you want to do!!.

How do you sit?

March 27th update Good evening. Today I had an eye appt, it was a 3 month check-up to see if my eyes had gotten better or not. See I have a genetic eye disease called Fuch's Dystrophy, it causes your cornea to swell which of course affects your vision. Great news the drops are helping so much my right eye is back to 20/20 and my left eye well is my problem child. I can finally get new glasses. No transplant for this girl right now but eye drops are for life. Anywho I will have to do a post about that another time. As I was driving to the eye doc I was having some pain around my wound from sitting straight up. No big deal, we gotta keep going. My home health nurse stopped by this afternoon and we decided we are gonna leave the wound vac off one more day to let the rash heal even more. My home health nurse will send a message to the doc to see what she wants to do, pictures are included in her message. Some times you just can't tell a person how bad it is, but pictures really do make a difference. So now almost my entire belly is covered in medical breathable tape. The tape isn't anywhere close to the wound or the Destin. We have learned to move the tape around so my skin doesn't get use to it in the same location.I am ok with the great news from early this afternoon, as for the wound well we are doing all we can, that includes prayers, cremes, rest, air, new packing strips,different tape. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As I sit here in my recliner Indian style mind you watching the news. I think about how I sit and then when I get up I have to hold my belly and stand a second so the pain will go away. i just want to be able to sit like a normal person or even sit like I did before all the surgeries. So I ask you how do you sit? Most people will probably give a strange look to that question because you have probably never thought about it. It's a normal thing to just sit so why would you think about a silly question like that. Now I'm gonna take it easy for the rest of the nite, had a busy afternoon. So let's see what tomorrow holds!!

The itching is gone....at least for now

It's Sunday nite March 26th. I had to relax again today because the drainage gets to be too much. We now call it red drainage. I had to change the dressing today and as I am pulling out the packing strip from the top tunnel it hurts some but gotta get it out. I finish taking out the rest jump in the shower to wash and make sure the wound is good. Again after my shower I head for the couch to pack the top tunnel and then relax back letting the wound get some air. Today the rash is almost gone but it looks way better than it did yesterday. Looking at it yesterday I wasn't for sure if it was gonna get better or not. Tomorrow my home health nurse will come and we will decide if we get to put the wound vac on. I am suppose to have it for a month. It's the last step before surgery. On a completely different note the itching finally stopped, of course realizing that as soon as the wound vac was off the itch took off as well. Hopefully tomorrow we get better news.... Heres the thing, this is the second time around that I have had to deal with a wound vac. The first time was not a happy ocassion at all. That thing hurt bad enough I would cry when they would take it off. You learn though to breath through and know that the pain doesn't last long and then you can relax afterwards. I have tried my best to be strong and hold on to my faith and be positive throughout this journey. It's not been easy and today was kinda a blah day but I am still pushing through. I have to take the small victories when they happen and run with them because eventually they turn in to big victories. Peace out Tater Tot