Thorns don't have to hurt?

As I go about my days, they are good but there is some tough ones thrown in. I look at the bricks that surround me and realize I think I went down some. Wait a minute the light looks further away. Why? I thought I was doing good. Why can't it be easy like in the beginning? Since I have traveled this road before I understand whats happening. See you do great in the beginning giving you a false sense of hope that it will stay that way. However as you travel up on those thorns you will get knocked down some. While the happiness you are feeling is slipping away, those old feelings of unworthiness, not good enough, well you get the picture. Anyways as those feeling start to come back now the real fun begins. It took me awhile to learn that even though I "loved" the instant gratification and the rush it wasnt lasting. The more I partook of the acts that lead to the rush the more I needed. I had to learn to love myself. I had to learn to like myself. I had to learn to encourage myself. I had to learn to be ok with who I am, but I had to learn who I was first. It was time to put the old away.  Now it's time to dig deep. it's time to get to the real issues and turn it around. Now lets get to why we feel the way we do. Why we do the things we do. We already know why we cut, snort, smoke, hit, sexual acts to get that adrenaline rush. That high that doesnt let you feel anything. So now I must learn why I do the things I do. It doesnt matter that I love the rush. It doesnt matter that I crave that rush. It's a moment of instant gratification that once This time I am not sure what happened to land me in the well back where I had second skin as a comfort but I also knew it was time to head back towards the light. This time its a bit harder than the first. This time though I have to fight a little harder, I have to work a little harder to get back to the light. So the thorns dont have to always hurt but you don't want them to stick around. You do not want to get comfortable with thorns. Their main purpose is to pierce the skin, so now lets use them to get higher up the well...

Thorns are strong

Wait a minute, these bricks look different. I see more light. What in the world is going on? I mean come on, I did a small step, I reached out and asked for help. I sent a simple text, I need a counseling session, essentially saying I need help. I look down and realize that the bottom isn't as close as it once was. I look up and amazed that I see more light. Could it really be this easy? Some would say it's a small step, others will say it's a huge step. Maybe just maybe it's a small step with huge ramifications. At this point though I dont really care bout it being a huge or small step. I am just tired of being in this hole while the thorns are holding me up. In the beginning they didn't hurt, they didnt poke however the longer I am with the thorns, I am starting to feel them. Its time. You can't just reach out to anyone, you have to be able to trust them, you have to feel safe with them. You have to know who will help even though everyone says they will but yet you know they can't. You have to pick someone that you know will give it to straight even if it hurts even if its uncomfortable. You reach out anyways!!! I am in the middle of my well, the thorns have helped since they are so strong. I am finally getting somewhere, I am finally going up. Its hard but not as hard as being down where I was before. This time though I know what I have to do to make it out, to make it to the light. I got this, or do I? Don't give up!!!! Reach out I promise its worth it. If you ever need me reach out, I will help if I can. Next up Vines are stronger

Thorns are holding me up

I am no longer strong enough to hold on. I am no longer attached to a rope. At this point the thorns are holding me up. Its suffocating me. It's in my throat trying to take my voice. It needs to take my voice. The battle is on the question is will I win? The first time to get out is the hardest at least at the time. You have never gotten out before. Depression, sadness, rejection, tears, second skin holds on tight, so therefore to actually attempt to do something different to think different.... Well it aint easy. Once you clear that well of darkness and make it to the light. Its like living for the first time ever in your life. You look at the sun, the moon different You look at people different. Your conversations and relationships are so much different. At this point you don't want to be around the negative, the toxic, the dark in fact you actually crave the light. Then BAM one day it hits you and you are sliding back down the well of darkness. Oh my what to do, what to do. You fight again to get out and this time you know what it takes to get out, you know what you have to do. As you are climbing out of the well of darkness, you find that you made it out quicker. Nobody knew, nobody suspected. You put a smile on your face and grinned at everyone you passed. You were happy at least that's what you tell yourself. Now you are standing on top of the well loving the light, loving being out again and loving life yet again. As time goes on you think you have it, but nevertheless one day BAM it hits again and this time it's aggressive. It's using everything to throw at you, your unlovable, your not worth it, you are a waste. It's everything you have fought before but this time it's a stranglehold on your voice. You can't ask for help. You can't speak. At this point you know if you do it just might destroy self. And in a moment of sanity, a moment just a small moment you make a call. You know what you need to do. It's no longer about want, it's about need at this point. The war rages inside and is slowly dragging you down the well of darkness. Before long you realize you are almost at the point of no return. You realize that you are on that one brick that could take you down further or boost you up. You see a glimpse of light, you look up. Finally you reach out to start the journey again to get out of the well of darkness.

Years

To many years of survival has me different than others around me. When you are in survival mode you keep your words light, you don't ask questions. You learn to be watchful, you learn to pay attention. You learn to be observant. I didn't want people asking me questions so I never asked questions. I didn't learn how to communicate well or properly when I was younger. I was quiet. I didnt have a choice.  I was shuffled to the side. Nobody asked me what I felt or thought, they told me how I was feeling or what to think. In high school I remember being on the bus and a neighborhood kid asked me if I was kin to William. So William was my next door neighbor. He is older than I by a few years and his sister and I was best friends growing up. I spent time at their house but in no way were we kin to each other. The fella who asked me knew we weren't along with the others who laughed at me. I said yes. They laughed. I had no clue as to the definition of that word. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be accepted. I was naive to say the least. Too many years of people not asking or explaining things to me left me with no way to properly communicate to others. I am sure there are others in this world like me who feel left out, who are just trying there best to talk to others. I am sure there are others out there that would love for someone to understand and help. The crazy thing is how does someone really help with that? I always did my best to help others, to push, to get them going on the right path. When others would ask, I would try but always felt like and still at times feel like I am dumb or my thoughts don't make sense. That what I am about to say will be laughed at, or someone somewhere will make fun of me. Its a vicious cycle to say the least. You want someone to talk to you but yet you don't. You want someone to help but yet you haven't the slightest clue as to tell them how. Some days its easier than others. I am learning to take it a day at a time and just be. On those difficult days when communication skills elude me and I go back to being that scared, naive teenager I go inside myself for the day and learn to be ok. Tomorrow is another day and will be better. For me I write, I take all my thoughts abd put them on paper. It seems easier to deal that way. It seems easier to understand. It seems a little less to carry. If you like to write then I suggest you when you have days like I do to write. If you don't write, then get in your car, a room or a field and shout out what is in your head. It's easier to move forward, your load isn't as heavy. If you have found a person that will listen and not make fun of you talk to them. Keeping it in continues the vicious cycle.... Tomorrow will look better

Outsource

We outsource a lot of things jobs, tech support, our emotions, self..... Well you get the picture. In this crazy world we are bombarded especially during this month about love, relationships and the perfect gift for your loved one. If you do not love yourself then you will find it by outsourcing yourself. You will be going to everyone else to find the love that you so desire. You will look for it in sex, hoping that this time it's love. You will outsource it with friends and strangers hoping to find the one who will love you no matter what. If you don't like yourself you are going to do everything you can just to get someone to like you and yet you don't like you. You will end up doing things for others hoping that they will like you and just keep you around. You will not tell them no, you will jump at the chance to help because then they will like you. There comes a point that you must STOP. There comes a point when you realize you are not happy. There comes a turning point in your life that makes you stop and realize that if you learn to love self, like self then others will be able to do the same. It's work. It's hard work but it can be done. You might lose some people along the way and that's okay. They were there at the exact time they were suppose to be to help that part of your journey. You will gain new people in your life, they may stay a short time or a long time. No matter what at the end of the day you have learned to love self and even like self.