Years

To many years of survival has me different than others around me. When you are in survival mode you keep your words light, you don't ask questions. You learn to be watchful, you learn to pay attention. You learn to be observant. I didn't want people asking me questions so I never asked questions. I didn't learn how to communicate well or properly when I was younger. I was quiet. I didnt have a choice.  I was shuffled to the side. Nobody asked me what I felt or thought, they told me how I was feeling or what to think. In high school I remember being on the bus and a neighborhood kid asked me if I was kin to William. So William was my next door neighbor. He is older than I by a few years and his sister and I was best friends growing up. I spent time at their house but in no way were we kin to each other. The fella who asked me knew we weren't along with the others who laughed at me. I said yes. They laughed. I had no clue as to the definition of that word. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be accepted. I was naive to say the least. Too many years of people not asking or explaining things to me left me with no way to properly communicate to others. I am sure there are others in this world like me who feel left out, who are just trying there best to talk to others. I am sure there are others out there that would love for someone to understand and help. The crazy thing is how does someone really help with that? I always did my best to help others, to push, to get them going on the right path. When others would ask, I would try but always felt like and still at times feel like I am dumb or my thoughts don't make sense. That what I am about to say will be laughed at, or someone somewhere will make fun of me. Its a vicious cycle to say the least. You want someone to talk to you but yet you don't. You want someone to help but yet you haven't the slightest clue as to tell them how. Some days its easier than others. I am learning to take it a day at a time and just be. On those difficult days when communication skills elude me and I go back to being that scared, naive teenager I go inside myself for the day and learn to be ok. Tomorrow is another day and will be better. For me I write, I take all my thoughts abd put them on paper. It seems easier to deal that way. It seems easier to understand. It seems a little less to carry. If you like to write then I suggest you when you have days like I do to write. If you don't write, then get in your car, a room or a field and shout out what is in your head. It's easier to move forward, your load isn't as heavy. If you have found a person that will listen and not make fun of you talk to them. Keeping it in continues the vicious cycle.... Tomorrow will look better