Acceptance of a dream that had to die
Nov 1. 2019
A few years ago a medical decision had me saying I didn’t want children when in fact I wanted at least 2. Boys to be exact. Their names would have been Josef Malachi and Gavin Wayne (my dads middle name). I never got the chance to have children. I hear all the time I can adopt and while yes I can it’s just not the same. I struggled with that for a few years. It still hits from time to time but not as bad as in the beginning.
It was so bad I didn’t want to be around any babies, didn’t want to know what they had just learned or who was pregnant or baby showers. We are talking crying fits in stores because I would find myself in the baby department. It was all just a constant reminder I would never get to experience that. Then I thought I had it under control and would go crazy buying things for children. I have gotten better about it but they still all get more than what their moms expect. It’s ok because I’m allowed to.
That feeling of not being able to have such a precious gift from God. I questioned why was I not good enough to have that? Am I such a bad person? I mean there are a lot of woman having children who don’t want them, or whatever, so why can they have them and I can’t? I just didn’t understand it and while I’m still not completely ok I am better bout it, and one of the ways I am ok with it is because I chose to look around me and realize what I do I wouldn’t be able to do or it would be limited.
I get to be with B and give him my undivided attention, I get to be a blessing in their lives. I get to spend time with the boys, watch them grow and grow with them. I get to experience new things with them while they figure things out. I get to be excited to see the beautiful blonde little girl in the store who is about to become a big sister. I get to make her laugh and experience her excitement when she hears my voice, and I make her laugh. I get to get in the car and take off to anywhere the road takes me. I get to let little girls and boys play with my collection of bouncy balls and chase the balls as we throw them. I get to mentor a little boy who loves catching frogs. I get to get a coke for well he’s a young man now but when he was younger he wanted me to bring him a coke because it’s just so much better when Missey brings it. I get to hear the heartbeat of a beautiful strong little girl for the first time ever. I get to be the one who gives my undivided attention to the kids around me.
I am not taking away from those women who have tried and exhausted all resources to have children. I can’t imagine the heartbreak of that, nor do I want. My heart goes out to you!!!!!!! I’m not taking away the pain of miscarriage or the pain of not being able to have children. I learned my decision bout 6 years ago. It has taken me till now to be okay, not great and definitely not good with it, just at a place where it’s manageable, acceptable.