I may be down but I'm not out

   So today I am so excited and I will tell you why. Three years ago a friend was coming into town to visit and I had no clue as to what directions n my life was about to take. I went in to have one surgery only to find out I had a rare cancer and that I needed another surgery in the next coming weeks. They found 2 rare tumors and caused a delay in chemo and radiation. It has been nonstop until today!!

  I was in my corner boxing gloves on, I was ready for this fight. I had been preparing for a few years before and never realized what was happening. I came out of my corner ready, dancing from side to side and bouncing hitting my gloves together ready to throw the first punch. I got punched and didn't see it coming, I got punched right in the stomach, see I had to sign away my rights to have children. I signed the paper with tears in my eyes but I wouldn't let them fall, I had to be strong. I couldn't let one punch keep me down. So I came up swinging and making sure to keep my face guarded, this way if I cried nobody would see. Keep your hands in front of your face firm so no one sees your heart break into a million pieces. I made sure to start fighting back, it took me a few but I managed to fight and hit where it hurts. Skip ahead to now this day, I can say that while I do get upset and my heart shatters as new babies are making there entrance around me, I have started to find a peace inside that makes it okay. 

  So as I return to my corner to wipe the sweat and tears away, I am being prepared for the next few hits and boy did they hit hard. The bell rings and I come out fast paced and ready to doge anything thrown at me. Unfortunately I don't duck fast enough I get knocked in the face and just about fall down only to be hit in the side and then I get hit in my side again, man though hits hurt. I tried to block, I tried to protect myself but I am not fast enough. The bell rings and I make it back to my corner where I am looked at and tended to. I have people in my corner and they have their positions to do, they know which part is theirs to help me. They come in fast and help me recover, and this time it took a bit of time to recover but I recovered enough that I could go back in and fight and that's exactly what I did. So I fight and this time around I am throwing punches, and ducking. I'm doing the bob n weave, man I got the footwork along with. I am amazing in the ring. The bell tolls and we go back to our respective corners and do a bit of refreshing. The bell rings again for us to fight again and this time I'm still bob n weaving, fancy footwork, and throwing my punches and making them count. 

    I have fought for so long and tried my best to protect me but I got hit in the kidneys, I got hit in the stomach, I got hit in the face, blow after blow and finally I start to slow down. I start to miss my punches, I start falling down on protecting myself. I am now crawling to my corner, sweat dripping, face bruised, body un recognizable, no more strength to stand, no more strength to fight. I am down for the count but I'm not done......     I want to go in and fight but I am held back, I feel like I am ready, I feel like I have my strength, I feel like new or so I think. I go back in against the wishes of those around me and I get hit again over n over in the kidneys. This time I am down and there's no way I can get up from this, there's no way I can even make it to my corner, somehow I manage to crawl slowly back to my corner and this time I realize I must stay put, there's no way I can stand and fight this time around. So I stay down and I mend, I get the help I need to get back up to fight except this time it takes longer because I didn't listen and stay down when I should have. So now I have been down and recovering. 

    Today is the day I get to stand up and possibly make my way out of my corner. I am standing but yet not ready tyet get back in the ring but don't worry the day is around the corner that I will be able to walk out of my corner and bounce back n forth on my feet, knocking my gloves together ready to fight, but be prepared this time I aim to win and knock you down so that you never get back up again. I will be the conqueror I was I intended to be......

Stay tune this fight has just begun

     

Rawness

I will try my best not but I make no promises.....its not that I want ordinary day to day life but this is all just too much. I am strong but I am weak. I am a fighter but yet can not fight, I am tired but yet can not stop. I am getting up but yet don't know how much longer. I am sure there's a test in this for me and yet I feel like I have failed. I have tried to hang on and yet it may be the tinest knot and yet I'm still hanging on somehow...... I am not done but yet I feel like I am done. My life is mine but yet it is not.

No choice just get up

    You have pains, Get up.
    You are tired, Get up.
    You don't think you can go one more step, Get up
    You have no encouragement, Get up.
    You are weak, Get up.
    You are tired of holding on, Get up.

   Obligations, people pulling, too much to do, not enough time, no answers, loneliness, fatigue, pain, people telling you to be positive, day to day expections, etc.......

    I'm sure there's more but you get the picture. I was talking to another "superwoman" although like me She doesn't claim the title, anywho as we were talking I felt like she understood even though her battles are completely different than mine. The same basic concept was there though. We get tired, we don't want to fight anymore, we want to wave the "white" flag and call it a day. Only when we say that people start trying to encourage us and while that is great and by all means we truly appreciate it. Please keep the encouragement coming.

     Here's the thing, I for one am tired. I have been struggling for years Spiritually, physically and most especially mentally. The tiredness I have goes far beyond sleeping for a few days. I'm like my other superwoman, I want to sit in the middle of a room and just wave the white flag. I realize that as a child I missed out on some very important things that every child needs and while I am an adult that little girl still likes to come out and play and with her comes the insecurities of not being loved, or not being good enough, add in all the damage that has happened to my body and I Am very quickly wanting to go be with Jesus and my Dad, where there is no more pain, no more tears, and where I am loved without a shadow of a doubt. I'm hoping that one day that little girl will get what's she been looking for. Don't get me wrong I would love to wave that white flag but then I am reminded that another day is fast approaching and things need to be done. Until then......


  I will wake up and just get up. I may be in pain but it doesn't matter, I will get up, I may be exhausted but I will get up. I may be lonely and feeling the way I do but I will get up. I will have my insecurities but I will still get up. See that's what I do, I don't know any other way. I have always just pushed me aside, my questions, my pain, my insecurities and I GET UP and go, it's all I know. You can call me strong, call me whatever you want, I just do what I have to. I have no choice, I just GET UP and go.