Acceptance hopefully????

   As my birthday draws near I am reminded of dreams that will never see the light of day. I am reminded that another year has passed and I look back and realize a lot of things has happened and I have grown. This is a tough blog to write but I'm gonna try to do it right.....

   About 3 years ago I had to sign away my right to have children. I wasn't happy but medically speaking it was for the best. I want to talk about what happened afterwards and it still happens today. Today as I got done mentoring a delightful 10 year old who loves to catch frogs and lizards and has recruited me to help him. I went to go do a bit of window shopping and as I was in one store, I went to the baby section just looking and then I ended up crying and buying a few things for some precious children. 

    After I signed away my right, I had to learn to accept that decision and be okay but I wasn't. I was angry at God because I couldn't understand why He didn't trust me enough to let me have one of His precious gifts. I was resentful and envious all at the same time. I was resentful because I wasn't ever going to have children the natural way. I was envious because as I watched all the moms with their children and the love and affection shown. I wanted a chance to prove I could do it, I wanted a chance to leave a different legacy than what my mother tried to leave me with. During this time I heard in church how there was a couple that they were all praying for to get pregnant and then when they did it was called a precious gift. I couldn't understand why I wasn't worthy enough of that same precious gift. Another thing I heard while I was trying to accept that decision was you will be a great mom to an orphaned child or to my husbands children. You have it in you to love someone's child as if they were my own. Here's the problem with that in a nut shell, I can't love them as if they were my own because I have never experienced getting pregnant and giving birth. Do not get me wrong I do love the children I am around and I will kill someone if they ever hurt them. I mean that with every fiber of my being. 

     So as the days turned into months and then a year I was getting a grasp on my decision. However there are times when I look at a lady who is pregnant and get a little teary-eyed because even though I am better accepting my decision the pain is still there. I'm not for sure if the pain will ever go away or will it just lessen some year after year. So today I did some retail therapy and my reasoning was plain n simple - since I can't have children I will buy for those around me - I saw the cutest onesie for a newborn and bought the cutest shirts for some boys I know. As I shopped I would stop and just drop my head because I would start to cry and when it ended I would go back to shopping again. I don't do this often but when I do it puts a smile on my face. 

    I am no longer angry at God, as I am sure He has a very good purpose for not allowing me to experience a miracle. As I was learning to accept that I really was not ever gonna have children due to I am completely void of any of the internal parts of a woman. Bam I get hit with another rarity (if it's rare it happens to me) I have a rare disease called Puetz-Jeghers Syndrome and as my genetics nurse was talking to me she informed me that I could go ahead and have a double mastocomy. My response was a quick hold on. I mean I have given up the right to give birth, then I have every female organ removed and now you want to take my Ta-Ta's???? I told her no way as I am already feeling the effects of no female organs and you want to do what??? I do not mean to offend anyone as I am sure there is someone somewhere that has it all gone and I sit here and I can empathize with you. 

    So today as I did my retail therapy I have accepted that when these kinds of moments hit, I will just go shopping and that usually ends up with me smiling. 

This was wrote 2 days before my birthday last year and while I have accepted the decision that I will never give birth to my child, at times I find myself at a loss or very sad when I see babies and or toddlers. I'm not for sure if the pain ever goes away but I am learning to adjust to it or at least I hope I am.........until then I will continue my retail therapy and my "children" will have some cool things coming their way.....

Until next time....

Peace Out Tater Tot......

Late nite talks with....well self

    So for the past few days I have been trying to come up with a title and something to write about in my blog since I have not written in what seems like forever. I have had writers block for the past few months along with dealing with some minor health issues. As I was driving from Wilmington this afternoon after an appointment, I had so many thoughts and questions, so this is just gonna be one of those that may make you think or laugh.  So here are some of the thoughts and questions....

     What gives you that endorphin rush? For me it's getting a new tattoo, getting a piercing, doing something I have always wanted to do but haven't done it yet. For instance I have been wanting to go on the skywheel, and of course it's oh yeah let's do it but yet it doesn't get done, so this year for my birthday I will go on the sky wheel even if I have to go alone. I will actually make it to see a sunrise this year. 

     What makes you feel confident? Is it your favorite jeans? Makeup or a great hair day? For me it's chinos and a bright shirt and the smile that lets the world know I am getting ready to conquer it!!! Another thought as I was driving back to work is I want to do a post on or around my birthday but I am hesitant because I am sure a family member or members will get offended. In doing my blog my intentions is not to offend anybody even though I know it isn't quite possible to please everyone. 

    Seasons in one's life, we have all go through them even if we don't recognize them or go running through them. Someone told me this morning maybe I am going through the "winter" season, hibernation breeds detachment and isolation usually and most times to better self at the end of the season. Other thoughts range from.....

      Laughing at myself because last nite as I was driving home, I started looking for my keys, yep go back and read at again. I did and I laugh every time. Laughter is really good for the soul, I do know that I have laughed more in the last few weeks due to a kindred spirit. As I walk through the store doing my job and speaking or at least trying to speak to everyone, you have no clue as to what another is going through. Usually when we laugh at work a customer will laugh with us. I think about new life and how at times I am still trying to accept at I will never get to experience it. I am by far a lot better at accepting that than what I was. 

     All day today I have done nothing but think of this dream I had last nite. It was so vivid and so detailed that even now I can see what is going on. I am gonna have to write that one down and get someone to interrupt it for me. Sleep does not come as easy as before but yet I have always had issues with sleep. Do not get me wrong I love sleep. I love my bed and there are times that I have to make an effort to be friends with my bed just so I can get a decent nites sleep. Of course the lack of sleep could be due to all the thoughts that run through my head, or it could be all the meds I am taking...

   It has been real hard for me to have writers block, words are my life and my life is words. I can describe my life and my thoughts so much better with words. I miss my Dad. I am learning that I can have a healthy balance in my life and everything will still be okay. There are a few things I am struggling wi and ,Anne one day I will write them down for you and share them. So for now, keep your thoughts going who knows what you may stumble on. I know you are reading this and we need to do coffee soon. So for now I leave you with do something today that you would not normally do.......

Until next time

Later Tater Tot