My normal before my life changer was full of pain and more pain. Doctors telling me I was normal or don't worry about it. Had one doctor tell me I had PCOS and I probably did but no one thought to look deeper. Because of all the doctors telling me this I learned more n more to be in tune with my own body. I am the only one who can tell you how I feel and what is hurting and how it's hurting and when it hurts. And yet I still expect normal. After a life changing event you must to do a different normal. A life changer changes your life forever and drastically.
During this past year I have had a full range of emotions from happy n smiling to thoughts of suicide. I have seen some really happy days where nothing could touch me. Those days where you feel like you can conquer the whole world and keep going. I mean look at what I had just been through. I had moments of laughing in the Spirit and knowing full well that God had been and will continue to take care of me. On the flip side I had days where I couldn't take one more step, I couldn't do one more test, I couldn't do one more doc appointment, I just couldn't go on. Yes I had thoughts of suicide so bad that I planned everything: the place, the how, the where. I didn't think I could face another challenge. I didn't think I could take it anymore. I was just ready to be done with my life and wanted to be home with my Jesus and my daddy. I really thought there was no hope for me.
I am just now coming to a place where I am okay. I know that my God loves me, I know that there are a few people on this earth who love me and would miss me terribly. I know that God has a great plan for my life. I know that I am and will touch many other lives that come in to my path. I am learning to be okay. I am learning that by God's grace I will do more than make it. I will survive it and be able to talk about it a little more openly than before. With the prayers of those ones who love me I am making my way to the path that was intended for me.
I am still facing a minor health issue but it pales in comparison to what I have already been through. I am learning to put the focus back on me and getting reacquainted with self and God. If I had to face this past 21 months by myself well, I know for a fact I would not have made it this far. By God's grace I will become the woman He intended me to be. By God's unconditional love I will learn to love myself completely and to hold my head high with a smile because God doesn't make ugly. This past year has taught me that there are more important things to be concerned with, and I am learning to do just that.
He has given me a peace about my health and about myself, I will be okay because I belong to Him. I know that no matter what I feel or how I feel God loves me and has His hands on me. He is the one who is taking care of me......
Next post will be in honor of tater tot......
Later jelly bean